WERE YOU? – (A Poem written on a lonely day)

I sat alone today and looked around to see

Were you going to just stop in and sit a while with me

Were you coming by to visit me at all today

Or were you simply just going to stay away

I did my daily chores and looked again outside

Were you coming by for just a while to sit along beside

Were you trying to get me to survive the distance I feel from you

Or have you better things than seeing me to do

I turned on the music and sang songs for you to hear

Were you going to stop and lend a listening ear

Were you making me sit and work through being sad

Or were you not coming by because for some reason you are mad

I sat to write and you kept entering my mind

Were you going to stop by here to see what you might find

Were you just letting me fight the urge I had to cry

Or were you proving to me that alone I was not going to die

I did all I could all day long to make myself grin and smile

Were you watching me to see if I could go that extra mile

Were you pleased with the efforts that I have made

Or were you hoping for more as you watched me from the shade

I turned my face to heaven and said a little prayer

Were you going to come out at all to show me that you care

Were you going to wrap your arms around me tight

Or were you going to just gently kiss me good night.

I knew that you were watching me every second of this day

You were simply guiding me each and every step of the way

You were right beside me holding tightly to my hand

I knew I would make it because you helped me understand

_______________________________________________________________

As my journey took me through my first Holiday season alone in the city, I found many things to do to occupy my time.  Though I had those moments of sadness and wonder, I found that if I kept moving, and kept busy, GOD was right here guiding me through every step.  I know there are going to be days like these as this journey continues, but I know that even though I may be physically lonely, I am never truly alone.  GOD has blessed me with many great friends, and he blessed us all by sending is only son for each of us on this day.  I am glad I was able to spend this day “alone” in the city with GOD by my side guiding me through every step of the way. 

CHRISTMAS WISH

I have many blessings to be thankful for this Christmas.  Instead of sending out a wish for myself, I will send out a wish for all of my wonderful family and friends.  For those of you who have stood by me with support and encouragement throughout this very interesting year, I wish you peace, happiness, and contentment for the coming year.  I have begun a journey that I am excited to take into the new year, and I look forward to continuing it with the support and encouragement of those I love most.  Each of my family members have been special gifts to me this year.  On top of that, I have the BEST friends that any man, gay or straight, could ever ask for.  You have all been so accepting and supportive during some of my darkest periods.  You have lifted me to rise above the hate and condemnation of those who are not worth giving the time of day.  You have continually encouraged me to continue my journey of discovering ME.  I am finally living MY life and being the REAL ME, and I owe it to my wonderfully supportive friends and family.

I am amazed, almost daily, to find support coming from areas I never would have imagined, from people whom I didn't know even knoew I existed.  These people have become some of the best friends I have now, and they are continually giving me the extra push to make it through the rough patches of my life.

As I sit here tonight, on my first Christmas Eve in the city, I am overcome with a feeling of contentment and peace because of the wonderful blessings that have been bestowed upon me this past year.  There is no greater blessing than the love and suport of ones family and friends during life's struggles.  Well, I am not struggling with life anymore, because I have found the blessings that God has offered me, and I stand on the support of each of you as I continue the adventure ahead.

Merry Christmas to one and all.  May God bless you each this Christmas season with that which will guide you through the coming new year, as he has me.

LOVES,
Phil

IT’S MY WONDERFUL LIFE

I have seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” many times.  I have seen the different knock off shows where someone wonders what things would be like if they didn’t exist.  As I sit alone for the first time on a major holiday, I feel like I don’t exist.  Now, don’t start saying “oh, here he goes again feeling sorry for himself and crying about being alone”.  That is not it at all.  Yes I am alone, yes the tears have been flowing a bit more lately, but not all because of my feelings of being alone, but because of my feelings of trying to fit into this new life.

Recently, a “friend” (who is now a former friend) made some harsh comments about me “being alone”.  It was stated that I am a “pathetic 40 year old man who has no friends” and that the reason I am “alone all the time” is because I am a “whiny drama queen, who has to be the center of attention”.  I know these statements are false, but they really got me to thinking that night.  Do I bring drama into my life by whining about being alone?  Do I not have friends?  Well, I have had much time to think about these questions in the days since those harsh comments were made, and I know the answers. 

No, I am NOT a drama queen who thrives on being the center of attention.  I much prefer letting my friends choose where to go, what to do, and like to watch them have fun.  I receive my joy watching my friends have a good time.  I tend to sacrifice my own desires for those of my friends, because I would rather watch them having fun than being in the action myself.  My true REAL friends know me well enough to know that I do not care to be front and center in any event.  I am perfectly fine sitting back and being a “wall flower”.

I am not alone “all the time”.  I am surrounded by my many friends and wonderful family often.  I seem down and depressed more because when I AM alone, I can not handle it.  I am trying to deal with the feelings of loneliness by staying at my place alone and adjusting to how things are.  Do I enjoy it?  NO, I hate being alone.  Who enjoys being alone?  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some alone time occasionally, but not very often, and not more than a couple of hours.  Days of being alone are not fun for me, but they are often by choice for me.  I have chosen to sit at home alone more lately, to make myself adjust to the times when I must be here without anyone else around. 

My life has taken many interesting twists and turns over the past year, and I am still trying to figure out everything that has happened, and continues to happen.  I am still trying to find my place in this life, and who truly wants to be in it with me.  I am not stupid,  I know there are those who are just “along for the ride” because they are interested in seeing how the ride ends.  Well, I do not see it ending anytime soon, and have already seen some of those “tag-alongs” bail because they can’t handle it.  Those so-called friends who can’t handle that the “gay man” does have a life that does not revolve around all that they do.  That I have some definite plans and clear dreams and desires that do not always fit with their plans. 

Even as I think I start to figure things out for my life, and where it is heading, I am reminded that nothing is definite and set in stone.  I have learned that, even though I have plans and dreams, things can change in an instant and I must slow down and get back to living one day at a time.  The things I think are going to happen this month, may not happen until next month, or things may change and they may not happen at all.  I have those plans and dreams that I hope come through and turn out as expected, but I have had to make myself understand that when plans include other people they have a good chance of turning out differently.  Sometimes when I sit here alone, I have to make myself realize that I only control my part of things, and that there are only a few people whom I can actually trust enough to follow through with plans.  They know who they are, but let me say that my mom, my granny, my sister, my mom2, and my BESTIE, are the only ones who I KNOW will always be here when they say, and do what they say they will do. 

Being alone for this holiday is my choice.  It is already hard and yet, I know I must push through.  I have chosen to stay in the city alone this holiday to prove to myself that I can survive and to make my new life MINE!  I know there are those who don’t understand my need to do this, but I have to make myself stronger.  I have to believe that I can stand alone here in this city, in my new life, and handle the times when I feel I am alone.  I know I am never truly alone, and I know I always have somewhere to go, but I have to work through the feelings I have when my children are with their mom, when my friends have other plans, when I can not be with my family, and when my BESTIE has things to do. 

Found it ironic that my horoscope for today was the following.

“Something is urging you to take action, Libra. You may feel a restlessness in the air that makes you want to get up and go. The problem is the place you need to go may not be obvious at first. Tender emotions may get in the way of decisive action. Realize that your destination is inside your heart. We all go through moody periods. This could be one for you.”

This is definitely one of those moody periods for me, but through all the sad, lonely feelings and tears, I know I am coming out stronger in the end.  I know I am becoming more independent and more self-reliant.  I do not have to have others to pick me up and dost me off to get me back on my feet.  I need myself.  I need to be able to make the decisions about what to do with my time, and not sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself.  I just can’t figure out right now where it is I need to go, what I need to do, or who I need to spend this time with.  I have an idea of what I need to do, what I need to say, and who it is that it should be directed to, but not sure that person is ready to hear it now, if ever.  That is where I need this time to help iron out all the random thoughts and feelings, so that I can start moving the tender emotions out of the way and take decisive action.  That is what I need to figure out so that I can continue on the journey ahead because It’s My Wonderful Life that lies before me.

It’s Just Cake!

Wow! I am really finding being a single man to be very interesting.  I am sure it is the same for single straights as well, but this is very frustrating.  I am finding dating to be difficult.  Not that it is difficult to find a date (not bragging, just saying), but that people can’t look at it as “just a date”.  The same way people can’t find it in themselves to believe the words “just friends”.  There are days when I want to throw my hands up, crawl into a shell and just be a hermit the rest of my life.  It seems that might be easier than trying to date someone and “just date” for a while before becoming a “couple”. 

I have been on a few dates lately.  Nice dates with really nice guys whom I would not mind seeing again sometime.  Instantly people find out you have gone on a date and they are picking out housewarming gifts, and china patterns.  Really?  That is not what I am looking for right now.  I am just getting a feel for this life and “dating around”, enjoying life and hoping to someday (long down the road) finding someone to spend exclusive time with.  Until then, they are just dates.  Go out to dinner, grab a drink, talk, and get acquainted.  That is all I am looking for and all I want to do right now, just go out, hang out, with good guys who could become good friends.

Speaking of friends, can we not have people in our lives who are “just friends”?  And it is not always others who take it and interpret the intentions wrongly.  You know,  you go to dinner with a friend, you go get ice cream, you ask them sometime if they want to do something and you are ignored for DAYS, maybe weeks?  I am not asking you to have cake because I want to get in your pants. I am not asking you to go get ice cream because I want to marry you.  I am asking you because I consider you a friend, we are both here, and maybe we both like cake or ice cream.  Then there is the “just friends” friend whom everyone else assumes is “the friend”.  They always ask, “so how is ‘your friend’?” and “what is ‘your friend’ doing tonight?”  I always say, “which friend? I have many.”  Yes there are some friends I am closer to than others, the ones that I spend a majority of my time with, but that does not make us a couple.  It just makes us close friends, good friends, even BEST FRIENDS, but does not mean we are “together”. 

Sorry just something that I had to get off my chest this week.  Sometimes I wonder when this will make sense to me and get easier.  Then I realize it probably never will, and it is all part of this wonderful journey we call life.  Until I have it partially figured out, I will continue to be me, and have the friends I have.  I will just have to make sure that everyone realizes, IT’S JUST CAKE, NOT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

As I spent a day alone in the city because of a snow day from school, I found myself having many “random thoughts” about life.  These were not just thoughts about my life, but about life in general.  I decided to sit and compile a few of these thoughts into a post for the blog.  Not that they all, if any, have anything to do with my being gay or living my life in the city, but that these thoughts each came up at a point in the day when there was a change in the air.

As I thought of writing this entry I was going to call it “Deep Thoughts”, but that reminded me of one of the best times of my life sitting and watching Saturday Night Live in Aurora Illinois and waiting to here what Jack Handy had for us on that particular night.  Surely you know what I am referring to, right?  Well here is an example.  “I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex.  What a coincidence!” Thank you, Jack Handy. 

Life is like a snowstorm   

As I watch this snow swirl, I think about my life.  I compare the blowing and swirling of the snow to the tumultuous changes that have so recently taken place in my life.  How each snow flake, whirling around seemingly without purpose, suddenly finds its goal.  Adding to the accumulation of other flakes it begins to create a pile on the frozen ground.  It is at that moment that I was reminded that each “flake” of my life’s tumult, adds to the accumulating pile that will create the purpose of my life.  As I watched the wind blow and move piles into drifts, I see my life’s “flakes” being moved into place.  As the wind dies down and the snow settles into place, I then realize that when things slow down and the flakes settle in my life, I will see the purpose and know the goal.  For now I will just continue to live each day as it comes and stop trying to see the end result before it is time.

In the blink of an eye

Recently a great man, a man of purest integrity, passed away.  No, he was not a family member, not even a friend of mine, but he was just as important as family or friend to my life. I will always remember October 7, 1993 when I received a phone call offering me a teaching position that would lead to the career I have today.  When I accepted the position as a temporary replacement, little did I know then that it would be permanent and I would still be with the same school system today.  Yes, he brought me in fresh out of college and gave me the opportunity of a lifetime.  I owe a great deal to this man.  He and I may not have seen eye-to-eye about everything, but he was an encouraging support when needed, and offered valuable advice where critique might have been utilized by others.  As my career progressed, and he retired, I still had occasion to see him out and about, mostly at his grandsons’ sporting events.  Later I was able to coach one of his younger grandchildren, and he always had kind words to say when we met up at events.  As I look to his recent passing, I know that a great man may have left this earth, but has arrived at his rightful destination and is playing shuffleboard with the King of Kings!

Why me?

As usual, when I sit and think, my thoughts turned to self pity.  Although this was a brief visit by self pity today, it still brought the usual “why me?” along.  Today I sat and started thinking, “why am I the one who has to initiate contact with friends?”  “why is it my fault when communication breaks down and the friendship ends?”  As I pondered these two thoughts, I realized it is only partially my responsibility, and only partially my fault.  I also decided that it is no longer my fault or responsibility when I have made an attempt and that attempt is ignored or disregarded as quickly as it was made.   Once I decided this I decided that it is time to stop trying so hard.  I LOVE my friends, and I love having friends around.  However, I am finding lately that there are only a few others who are as dependent as I on having friends around often.  I am also finding that, maybe, some of my “friends” are not really friends and I should place them in the mere acquaintance grouping, and not look for them to be in contact except through random encounters on the street, or in the halls, or at the mall.  The hard part of this is deciding exactly who from the “fringe” should be moved to the acquaintance group. Thus, not requiring any responsibility of contact from me.  I have already placed one supposed “close friend” there, and it looks like another or two will be moving there soon.  I am responsible for me, and it is not my fault if friendship ends, only my fault for believing it existed in the first place.

Missing

So the last thought lead to this one.  There is one “close friend” who is missing from my life these days.  For months we were inseparable.  We went everywhere together.  People rarely saw one of us without the other.  We even lived together for a while.  I thought he was my best friend, someone whom I could trust with my life, and whom I could always turn to.  Now I find that he does not exist.  He is no longer in my life, and I have not spoken to him or heard from him in weeks.  We had our moments of disagreement, but when we “parted ways”, I thought it was amicable and that we would still be in contact and our friendship, though different, would go on.  I was so wrong.  After many attempts to make contact, and many ignored and disregarded messages, I made the decision to move on without him in my life.  My heart aches when I think of our time together and what I thought we meant to one another.  No we were not “lovers”, but I did love him.  I loved him like a true friend who would take a bullet for another.  I found during the decision to remove him from my life, that I never mattered to him at all.  I was just a stepping stone for him to get where he wanted and to use until he had what he needed, then I was discarded like yesterday’s news.  I still think of him on occasion and wonder what he is up to, wonder if he is putting my bike to good use, wonder if he ever thinks about those months when we were rarely apart.  I cry, then I SLAP myself, because it is not worth dwelling on, or is it?  We may never know.

** Additon 1/23/2011  - Had a random text today.  I have been doing very well, am very happy in my life, and today was punched in the gut with a rondom text.  No, it wasn't a mean text, just random.  Became a 3 or 4 text conversation, well not really conversation.  Then as quickly as it began it abruptly ended with no response.  I was doing well not to remember this friend, or the time we spent together.  Started to think about him out of the blue this week, then had this text from him today.  I am thinking he mistakenly texted me and then felt obligated to reply a couple of times.  I am not sure and, with the suddeness of his disappearance, I may never know.

Why not?

This is only listed because it was a part of my day.  I can not write any description here, because readers who know will not need description.  So I will leave it at that, when the book is published, this topic will take up many chapters and will reveal some true pain and obsession.  Until then, just imagine if you always found yourself wanting what you can never have.

Because of Days Like This

Ever have one of those days?  You know, the kind where anything that could go wrong does, and you think things can not possible get any worse yet they do.  Well, I have come to realize that days like this are the norm for me, and if I wait long enough something will happen to turn it around.  I have had those days where things have gone rough at work.  Frustrated parents, misbehaving students, stressed friends, pained family members, and strained relationships all seem to come pouring into my life at once.  I begin to feel the strain and stress of trying to fix everything for everyone. 

As I go through the day, I work to calm the angered parent.  I make every attempt to assure them than the problem that they see is more of a mole hill than a mountain.  I explain the situation from the teacher perspective, and allow the parent time to digest the information.  As that fire is put out, and the parent moves on to the rest of their day, I move forward with the next hurdle in the way.

The students will misbehave all day this day.  Nothing that is said will calm them down.  No amount of threatening or punishment will get them to discontinue their torrent of bickering, tattling, and tantrum throwing.  As the day moves on, the behaviors seem to fade only because I have become exhausted and block them out to work with those who are truly ready to learn.  As the sounds of misbehavior fade away, it is time to move forward to extinguish the next fire.

As the day winds down I focus on my friends and their upset feelings.  Everyone knows how much I value my friendships and my friends.  I take the struggles of my friends seriously and worry about each of them daily.  My worry for them tends to be more than my worry for myself on a regular basis.  No matter what their struggles or emotional strain, I always take their pain on as my own.  The stress this causes is intense, but I would not trade it for a single day of silence and calm.  As I work through the stresses of my friends I move on to the next issue of the day.

As I look to my family, I see the pain and upset of their day and take it on myself to see what I can do to take it away.  Be it through intense prayer, messages of caring, or an offhanded joke to cause a chuckle, I work to see the smile on their face because any other look breaks my heart.  I hurt more when my family hurts than if I had been shot through the heart with a rusty arrow.  My family is more important to me than anything else and when there is pain and upset in the family, I want nothing more than to take that pain away.  As I finish tending to the family needs I move my concerns to yet another fire in need of extinguishing.

The strained relationships in my life tend to take a backseat until it appears to be too late for salvage.  I have a bad habit of taking things personally when communication breaks down.  I put blame on myself when things get rough and relationships suffer from strain.  I have some very close friends (and former friends) who I cannot seem to understand.  When there is an apparent meltdown in communication, it seems that I am the one who causes a gap in my failing attempts to put the broken pieces back together.  These friends appear angry and I assume that I have offended them.  By the time I realize what has truly happened, it is sometimes too late to restore.  I have lost some very close friends lately due to these lapses in judgment and the errors in communication.  Some friends who I thought would never go away, have vanished from my life.  The old me would have sat and cried over the demise of these relationships, but the new me accepts them as closed doors that will lead to open windows.  As I come to this realization, I am finally ready to move on to the last fire and take care of myself. 

When the part of the day arrives when I can take care of ME, I usually feel exhausted.  However, there are those days when, after all the trials and tribulations have passed, something grand comes along and makes it all seem so minor and trivial.  A huge success, a great visit from a trusted confident, a positive life changing event, or a new path on the journey of life can wash away all the charred remains of the extinguished fires.  As the days pitfalls vanish into the past, the next chapter becomes more clearly visible, and is so worth moving into.  These are the days that let me know I am going to be ok.  I know, when I am having a down or emotionally exhausting day, it just takes some patience waiting on the next great day. It is because of days like these that the other days are bearable.  It is because of days like this, that I choose to continue living my life just the way I am.

My Life’s Inspiration

So many times in the past few weeks, I have received messages from those calling me an inspiration.  I don’t fully understand those comments, and I am humbled by them daily.  I did not set out on my journey to be an inspiration to anyone.  I simply have set out to find myself and begin to live MY LIFE the way I was intended.  Webster defines inspiration as “an inspiring influence; any stimulus to creative thought or action”.  I have been inspired by many in my life, and would never consider myself an inspiration to anyone. 

Early on in life I was inspired by my paternal grandfather to become an educator.  Following that dream I have been teaching for 18 years and am fulfilled as I watch young people learn daily.  My grandfather’s influence was a pure example of the definition of inspiration.  His reputation as an educator along with his compassion as a Southern Baptist Minister gave roots to my lifelong dreams.  I have always wanted to be a teacher and have never wavered in any other direction.  Staying the course, I have been in the classroom for 18 years and plan to be for many more.  His compassion for the human spirit inspired me to be the best person I can.  I try to be kind, caring, and compassionate toward every person.  As has been evidenced in earlier writings, this is not always easy.  But I believe in loving the person, despising the action, and praying for those who need guidance.  These are true lessons of inspiration learned from my grandfather.  Although he has been gone for many years his life serves as the base of my life’s inspiration.

Another early inspiration has been my maternal grandmother.  This woman is a true inspiration to anyone who is fortunate enough to sit in her presence.  She has a broad base of knowledge and experience spanning all of her ninety-one years.  She has raised seven children of her own, along with assisting in the rearing of countless others.  She has been a role model of strength and conviction to her family and friends for years.  She is one of the most positive and unwavering confidents ever met.  She has an ear that discerns pain in one’s voice, and a genuine knack for getting the root of any issue.  Her heart of gold breaks for those who suffer and cheers in times of triumph.  She can be someone’s biggest fan, or their true voice of reason when necessary.  Her desire to see the best in people has always driven me to look for the good in a person and pray for those who seem set in the negative.  These are more lessons that have formed the base of my life’s inspiration.

My parents serve as yet another area of inspiration.  They have had their ups and downs in life, but have always risen above.  They raised two children to be the best they can.  We did not grow up with money, but we rarely wanted for much.  They always went above and beyond the call of duty to see that we had what we needed and were well taken care of.  To this day they still put family first and do for their children and grandchildren to see that everyone is  well taken care of and happy.  Their continual drive to push for each of us to be successful in our endeavors has been a true inspiration.  They only want the best for everyone, and that has pushed us to want the best for ourselves.  This is yet another area forming the base of my life’s inspiration.

I am inspired daily by those around me.  To see my friends and acquaintances pushing themselves to achieve their life’s ambitions inspires me to continue on my path to be the best I can be.  Watching those who continue on in spite of their daily struggles pushes me to fully be myself.  In spite of the negative comments and the daily struggles thrown at me, I look to my inspirations and pull myself out of the downward spiral and climb back to my path.  To have someone call me an inspiration has never been a goal, or a desire of mine.  However, if someone finds inspiration from my life and my attitude for being ME, then I must give the credit to those who inspired me to be ME.  Without the base of my life’s inspiration I would not be who I am and would not be able to make the daily journey I am on to be the BEST ME I can be.  I can never thank those who have inspired me enough, but I can try by being ME and making them proud.

Nighttime In The City Alone

Well, as night falls again, I sit here alone and ponder if this is the right place for me.  I have never been alone like this, and I don’t like the feeling of loneliness.  Now, I know I am never truly “alone” in this world, but nights like this really feel lonely to me.  I come home to my small studio apartment in the city, fix myself something to eat, settle down to TV or radio, and begin to think and write.  The thinking is, of course, the part of the evening that causes me problems. 

As I sit alone and think, I begin to think about the “what ifs”.  What if I had stayed in Trafalgar, what would my life be like now.  What if I had taken a job somewhere else, how would things be different? What if there were no mean people in my life, how peaceful would things be?  What if I found HIM and settled down, how would my life be different?  Then I start to think about the realities of my life.  I did not stay in Trafalgar, and my life has begun to flourish as I finally live as the REAL ME.  I kept my job “down home”, and I am happy to work among some of the most kind, caring, and supportive colleagues around.  There are “mean” people in my life and they only have cause me to grow stronger in my beliefs, and in my love for my true self.  I have not found him, yet, or have I?  This question I ponder each time I sit alone.  I have met many wonderful men who have potential, but none of them have proven to be THE ONE, yet.  I say “yet” because I know HE is out there, and I believe he is very close to being revealed to me.  I may be wrong, but I am sure he will come into my life when the time is right, so I have stopped searching for THE ONE.  I have decided he will come to me when he is ready and the time is right.  I know my life is different for all the “What ifs” that have not taken place, and will be different when some of them become realities of my life.

As the thunder and lightning continue, I remember why I hate being alone.  I hate being alone because of the tears of loneliness that flow down my cheeks when I realize I am here alone and no one is coming to visit.  That is the hardest part of living in the city, the knowledge that when I do arrive at the apartment alone there will be no one coming to visit.  I sit and text and chat online, but neither of those completely fills the void.  There is a void that exists when I feel lonely and I am still trying to figure out the best way to fill the void, and overcome the feelings of loneliness.  Most nights I can accomplish this feat, and enjoy the alone time without feeling lonely.  Storms bring out the worst of the lonely feelings, because they seem to taunt me with their bright lights and loud claps.  As I try to sleep, these loud claps of thunder and flashes of lightning remind me that I am “alone”, and the feelings of loneliness creep back in. 

I will overcome all of these feelings of loneliness and despair, and will continue to work to spread peace and harmony to all of my friends, in hopes that the circumstances of my life will call to someone and give them hope in knowing that WE will survive.  There are many out there who are struggling daily with so much more than any of us might ever imagine.  I know how much they hurt, and I hope that by sharing my experiences they will realize that even when times get rough, there is always a corner up the road to take them in another more positive direction.

So as I sit ALONE in the city at night, I know I am not alone, I am only experiencing feelings of loneliness because I am still not used to not having someone right with me to keep the loneliness out.  There are great friends who visit, but they have their own lives to tend to, and cannot come visit me every time I am “alone”.  So, I adjust to being alone by using time to read and write, and to make connections to those who will become lifelong friends.  Nighttime in the city alone has been interesting and as I prepare for the next step, I am certain it is going to become more and more interesting each and every day. 

HATE’S FLAMES DOUSED BY LOVE’S TEARS

(This poem was written by Philip D. Arnold on Sunday, November 21, 2010)

I sit here during a time of peace and the tears roll down my face. 

Not tears of sadness or of pain, but simple tears of GOD’s amazing grace. 

You see, the devil has once again reared her ugly head,

Spewing forth hate filled words not caring she said. 

Hates horrid flames are rising so high

The only thing to do, it seems is just to cry

But these tears are not of sadness rolling down my face

Simply put these are the loving  tears of GOD’s amazing grace.

I sit and ponder with the tears’ downward flow

But for the love of true friends I’m proud to know

They stand beside me through thick and thin

And help fight this hate time and again

The love of true friends is great to see

And they help to extinguish hate’s flames for me

Through the Love of family, GOD, and Friends

Hate’s flames of destruction come to their ends.

PDA 11-21-2010

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends who show me their undying love DAILY.  Through this firestorm of hate that is being spewed forth from one terribly sad person, the love they show me helps to extinguish the flames of hate.  Hate is so hurtful and damaging.  It is violent and causes grave despair around the world.  The Devil loves to see this.  The devil enjoys sitting back and watching us destroy one another through such horribly hate filled actions.  Hate cuts to the heart and soul of a person and leads to damage that is hard to repair.  LOVE is the one “band aid” I have found to heal the wounds caused by hate and its burning sting.  The tears I cry are tears of happiness, tears of LOVE that extinguish these flames of hate that are spewed forth in my direction.  Thank you to all who continue to support and encourage me.  I was going to include some recent comments from facebook posts.  Some were instigated by the “devil”, and others blessed by GOD and delivered through true friends. I will add them later or you can check them out on FB for yourself.

Why Bother?

Lately I have been hit with many realizations about friendships, and the development and maintenance of those friendships.  As you all know by now my life has been on an interesting new course.  I have so many wonderful friends in my life.  There are those wonderful friends who have been a part of my life for many years and those who have been in my life for only days as I type this.  I value of my friendships greatly and treasure each friend more than silver or gold.  That is why it is so difficult to control my emotions when a friendship ends, or when a “friend” cuts deep through hurtful actions.  Sometimes I am quick to react (My BFF reminds me of this regularly) to pains caused by friends, and my immediate reaction is to cut them from my life.  I then mope around for days “mourning” the “loss”.  The loss of friendship is something that causes me great heartache because I blame myself for each ending.  I seem to be a master at cultivating and growing new friendships in my new life, but maintaining those friendships seems to be a bit more challenging. 

Occasionally I go through the phase when I wonder “Why bother” building and maintaining friendships.  I go through times when I go over my facebook friend list and “purge”.  I do this because there are times when certain people, who are mere acquaintances need not know all about me and my life, or they begin to use my posts as fodder for their gossip mills.  These people are easy to cut loose.  However; there are occasions when I “cut” a true friend because of some hurtful circumstance that has caused a wound to fester, and my gut reaction is to just leave them behind and move on instead of trying to save the relationship.  I have done this a lot lately.  In doing so, I have created more of a wound than was originally there and have lost those friends forever. 

I have been fortunate lately in salvaging some important friendships, resurrecting meaningful relationships, and healing the hurt that existed.  I am learning to slow down and react less harshly, but it is taking time for me to do this in every situation.  It is difficult for me to admit I have overreacted to a situation, or to determine the best course of action when attempting to resolve issues. 

There are those in my life whom I do not yet understand their purpose, and there are others whose purposes seem clear but ever changing.  As these friendships grow and change, so do the ways in which I react to hurtful actions, harsh words, and painful misunderstandings.  I am hopeful that I can act less quickly.  Instead I hope to take each situation and let it sit for a period of time before coming back and addressing it.  This way then, maybe, I will be able to hold onto my dearest friends more closely, salvage the lost friendships more readily, and maintain the new friendships with genuine care.

So to answer the question . . . “Why bother?”  I bother because I love my friends, new and old, for all that they bring to my life.  I mourn when one leaves me, and I celebrate when they return. I bother because without the bonds of friendship life is not as wonderfully enriching.  Without friendship we are hollow shells of human flesh just starving for all that friends can add to our lives.

Friendships are true blessings and “True Friends are the greatest of all blessings”!

LOVES

RANDOM LAUGHTER

Cannot even explain the feeling that this laughter is bringing me.  Sitting with family, talking about random topics, laughing at one another and the total randomness of the night.  From the 2 hour drive with granny, to listening to sister reading status updates from "Status Shuffle", these are the things that make me slow down and think about the good times in life.  My life is so blessed and full of great moments, memories, family, and friends. 

Although this week has been one filled with harsh words, vile comments, and outright hate; taking this moment to just relax and enjoy.  I am so fortunate to have such an understanding family.  We can sit and laugh at ANYTHING, ANYONE, about ANY TOPIC, for long periods of time.  This proves that "laughter IS the BEST medicine".  Actually it is pretty good medicine, but spending time with those who love you unconditionally is better medicine.  Knowing that you can be free to be yourself and not have to stifle your comments or actions, makes these times so valuable. 

Valuable times with the most valuable people in my life are the best times and best medicine to cure the heartache caused by a week full of hate and vile attacks.  I am fortunate and blessed to be surrounded by the family and friends that I am on a daily basis.  My wish for everyone one is the same.  I wish everyone could experience the joy and uplifting love that I have this week.  When I was down and feeling like nothing could make me smile, my FRIENDS and FAMILY came through to push me out of my slump and make me smile and laugh. 

I wish you all joy, happiness, and good people to pull you through when life has you down.

LOVES

Where Did They Come From? How Long Will They Stay?

Many people come into our lives.  Some come in and stay for only a little while, while others come and stay forever.  As I think about those who have come in and out of my life, I think to myself . . . “Where did they come from?”  Some are obvious while others take a great deal more thought, and others bring about the question “Why?”  Why did they come into my life, and what is our purpose for sharing time with one another.

These are just some of my Random thoughts about people who have come into and , in some cases, gone from my  life.  I attach no names and few identifying labels, so people may or may not be able to determine what is written about them.  Unlike other posts, where my mention of some people is obvious, this entry will be a bit more “discrete”.  Not that I am trying to hide anything, because this blog is obviously about being open and sharing truthfully.  I simply want to try to allow those who are written about the opportunity to read and go through some of the same thought processes as I did while putting the information together.  Of course, some of the information and descriptors will be obvious because there is just no way to make them less identifiable.  This being said, here we go!

First of all let’s discuss those who have come into my life to stay forever.  These people are in my life without much of a choice.  They are family.  I was born into the lives of great parents and loving grandparents.  I have many supportive aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I shared my childhood with a great sister, who has brought a beautiful niece and two wonderful nephews into my life.  As life moved forward I was blessed with my wonderful twin sons.  Each of these people, like it or not, are a part of my life to the end of time.  We are family and , no matter what differences we may encounter, we are permanently bound by the blood in our veins and the love of family in our hearts.  There is no questioning why they are in my life, because we were all born into this family through the blessing of a higher being in GOD above.

Next I shall discuss those who have come into my life to stay for a long period of time, but could leave at any moment.  They have chosen to be a part of my life at some point, and have hung on this long.  These friends came in at a variety of different times, through a variety of different circumstances, but they all arrived at the same place – the door to my heart.  I will be the first to admit I am an emotional being.  I take my friends in and hold them dear till they choose to move on.  Rarely do I ever cut a friend loose without it being their decision to withdraw from my life themselves.  My truest friends are those whom I have stumbled across by some circumstance that drew us together and has bound us to one another for a long time.  As I recall the first time I met many of by closest friends I am amazed at how we came to be close, and for some that we have been able to remain so close.  If you are one of these friends, you know what I am talking about when I say it is hard to believe some of us have made it this long, but if we have made it this far surely we can make it FOREVER!

New friends are those who have come into my life at this time of renewal.  They are ALL friends whom I would love to keep forever, but only time will tell.  These friends have come along and saved me from the boredom, loneliness, and regret that tend to sneak up behind me when I sit alone.  The phone will chime, the door will shake, or the messages come in as if they know exactly when they are needed.  They may be “new” friends, but they have the characteristics of those who have been in my life for a while.  That is, they all know when I need them, or at least need to hear from someone. These friends have yet to determine the length of time they will be in my life, but they are here now, and that matters so much.  Knowing that new friends can still come in and be a part of life is a wonderful feeling.

I have also come across many “short term” friends.  Friends who came into my life for whatever reason, by whatever circumstance, and then chose to leave the friendship for some reason or other.  Whether it was because of a disagreement, a misunderstanding, or some other situation that brought an end to our time together, these friendships came to an end.  I can count on one hand the number of friends whom I personally have “cut” from my life.  Those people were cut for reasons very obvious to them, and the decisions to eliminate any contact with them were difficult.  Add one more cut within the past two days.  There is no room in my life, in MY WORLD, for hate and ignorance.  Those are the people who I do not have time for.  Those who condemn and judge as if they are without fault or flaw are the ones who make it easy to cut them from my life.  I always dig deeply as I deliberate the cut, but ultimately I find it difficult to condone their actions and ignorance.  It is hate and ignorance that cause people to make vile and judgmental comments that cut deep enough to hurt those at the receiving end of those insults.  I can’t tolerate those people in my life.  I am taking a stand to fight the ignorance and hate that lead to people causing themselves harm.  It is intolerable.

Wow, that took a different turn at the end that intended, but I will go with it.  Many people come into our lives, and some leave just as quickly.  Friends are GOD’s gifts to each of us.  I strive to be the best friend I can, but I admit I am difficult and hard to tolerate at times.  I have come to a point in my life where I will not put up with negativity, prejudice, or belittling behaviors from anyone.  If you are a “friend”, then you know how my “filter” operates.  If you can’t handle it, then you know what you can do.  I will never leave my REAL FRIENDS.  We may have disagreements, but we are still here for one another when needed.  As I have stated many times the past week.  MY CUP RUNNETH OVER!!  I am truly blessed and I pray for these same blessings of friendship to be bestowed upon all whom I come into contact with.

LOVES

IGNORANCE IS . . . IGNORANCE

So today’s blog will be short and to the point.  If you are a friend on facebook then you have probably seen the following.  It is my status from last night, Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 8:14pm. 

“Cold rainy days lead to cold rainy nights. Makes for great time to cuddle up on the couch, or sit alone with your writing. :-) Entry #6 published. Enjoy! LOVES”

I figured to get a comment or two, but nothing like the firestorm that followed.  All of it stemming from one extremely IGNORANT comment.  A “friend” posted the following comment as a reply to my status.  Although not a direct response to anything from the status itself, I assume it is in response to my reference to this blog. 

Her comment was this . . . “Wow ur a faggot?”

YES!  You read that correctly.  Unfortunately, this is the type of response I expected.  Fortunately, this is the first I have had directed at me in such a personally attacking form.  I have to admit, my heart winced in  pain at the first reading, but then I read the supportive comments that followed. In reading those posts I realized once again how valuable my TRUE friends are.  I also realized how my friends have my back.  Support is above all else the one thing that has gotten me through the struggles of being an “out and about” gay man. 

So to answer your question – YES!  I am a proud homosexual man, who has some of the kindest hearted, most supportive and encouraging friends and family. 

Now I will ask a question of my own.  Are you really that ignorant?  Let me answer that one too.  Yes! You are so ignorant as to post such vile and hurtful words in a public forum, and not realize the firestorm that would follow.  I hope you never have to deal with this type of hate and ignorance in anything that you do, because there are young people who deal with comments like yours by hurting themselves and committing suicide.  Young people with promising futures so destroyed by HATE that they see no reason to live.  This is not acceptable and it is not something that I can let go.  I am making it my goal to keep spreading the air of hope that no matter who or what you are, no matter your race, creed, religion, or sexual orientation YOU ARE A PERSON!!  So, my friend, although you are ignorant I still love you, because you are a person, and you still deserve to be loved.  I only wish you could share the love you receive.

**EDIT ADDED**
This is a message I sent to the person who posted the negative comment.  I sent this after she chose to "unfriend" me on facebook.  I had no intention of removing her, but she obviously could not handle truth and reality.

XXXXX,
I am sorry that you felt that you needed to unfriend me after your harsh comment on my status.  I want you to know that I was not angered by it at all.  Not nearly as affected by it as my friends were/are.  It did inspire me to continue to fight the fight that I do daily.  Not for myself, but for the young people who are killing themselves because of unkind and harsh words thrown at them daily.  It is amazing to me that I have not had a negative slur thrown at me until now.  I would still consider you a friend.  Just an uninfomed friend.
May god bless you, the way he does me daily.
Phil

FAKE FRIENDS

Each of us goes through a period of enlightenment a few times in our lives.  These times are periods when we come to some realization about our lives, ourselves, and/or those around us.  Along with the obvious period of enlightenment in my life, I have also had a “minor” enlightenment period recently.  I have recently come to realize something that I have known to be true for years, but just now have started to take more seriously, and sometimes more personally.  This is the realization that there are those among us who want us to believe they are true to us.  They want us to believe them to be our friends, so that they can “infiltrate” our lives and look for the perfect opportunity to strike, and bring us tumbling down.  I call these creatures “Fake Friends”.  They will be so kind and supportive to your face and be a part of the group when you hang out for good fellowship times.  Then, when you least expect it, they STRIKE!  They wait until you are most vulnerable and weakest and they move in for “the kill”. 

These Fake Friends are the most vile and hurtful creatures on the planet.  I can handle knowing my enemies are out there trying daily to discover ways to destroy me.  That is an expected part of life.  How sad it is that this new era of falsehood also must become an expected part of life.  It is one thing to “know” you have to be on constant look-out for your enemies to “attack”, but it is another to have to be aware that someone in your group of “friends” is also looking for the perfect time to bring you down.  These fake friends make their attempts by trying to undermine you with other friends, by trying to destroy your reputation with those you are close to, or by secretly commenting to others in a negative way behind your back.  They make it their business to try to bring you down because they don’t agree with your every move.  Obviously no one is going to agree with every move their “friends” make, and especially not every move I make.  I know that I am making life changes that not everyone agrees with.  I do not ask anyone to agree with my life, I do not ask anyone to accept my lifestyle.  All I ask is that people accept me for the person I am.  In doing so I ask that you take the things you do not like or agree with, and keep them to yourself, if you can’t speak to me about them.  Please do not make random phone calls, send text messages, or try to slander me to those closest to me.  If you do not agree with my actions, that is your prerogative, but to pretend to be a friend and then turn around and try to bring my life crumbling down just makes you FAKE.  I have hundreds of “friends”, few are the TRUE FRIENDS that make life worth living, but most are REAL FRIENDS who make life fun and enjoyable.  Then there is those who are FAKE FRIENDS whose lives must be so boring and meaningless that they have to go around and try to destroy others to give themselves any once of happiness.  I feel sorry for those creatures who must live their lives this way.  It is sad in today’s world where there is so much hate and anger, that you have to watch your back because you have “friends” who are more shady and devious than most enemies you will ever encounter.  So I ask you, my friends, what kind of friend are you?  Where do you sit in your group of friends?  Are you a TRUE FRIEND, a REAL FRIEND, or are you the FAKE FRIEND in your group?  Your friends will know who you are soon enough, and when they do I wonder  what that day will be like for you.  I know it will be a day of celebration for my TRUE and REAL friends.  I will look forward to the day when the “enemy” is the only one to look out for, because the “FAKE FRIENDS” will be considered with that group of creatures and not be classified as any sort of friend at all.

Proceed with Caution

So as the time came to “come out” the feelings of “to do it or not” began to tug at my heart and cause major headaches.  I knew who I was and what others needed to know, but exactly when and how were the major questions.  Then there was - who to tell first, who not to tell, how to go about letting people find out.  I was certain I needed to be honest with my family and friends.  I knew WHO I was and they needed to finally know the REAL me so that I could begin to LIVE. 

Cautiously I began to tell people the truth about who I am.  I was amazed at the reactions.  I continue to be amazed by the people in my life and their reactions.  As I have mentioned I come from a very conservative small town community.  It is a place that people “like me” run from instead of running to.   So as I started to “come out” I was nervous about the reactions of the people in MY WORLD. 

I had many friends whose reactions were, “Yes, we know.  We have just been waiting on you to admit it.”  There have even been those who said, “Good for you, I am proud of you for being so courageous and for deciding to be the REAL you.”  These reactions were great, but where were all those negative reactions I was expecting? 

Where were the reactions to run me out of town, to get me out of the classroom? Where were the ones who would stop talking to me and avoid me at all costs?  They were there.  I think?  I have, to this day, never heard a negative reaction.  No one has said anything to me negatively to my face.  I have had those few people who no longer talk to me, or who will give me a look when I enter a room.  For the most part though, the negative has not surfaced to rear its ugly hate filled head.  There are those who will “secretly” look for ways to tear me down.  They will talk behind my back, and look for reasons to spread gossip and stir up trouble.  The thing is, I am not bothered by it. Well, I am not bothered by it “too much”.  I am who I am.  This is me, and this is who I am going to be for the rest of my life.  Take me or leave me, but don’t think for one minute you are going to destroy me.  I have become very strong through this journey, and I have prepared for your kind of hate and shadiness. 

The one thing I was not prepared for is the wide ranging support I have received.  The encouragement to be strong and continue to have the courage to live MY LIFE, has been amazing.  I become emotional when I think of all the great friends and family I have who show me daily how much they care.  So many, with so much love and support to share with ME, a gay man from small town Indiana.  I am amazed, overwhelmed, and touched by the great support network I have.  My colleagues, friends, family, and MY WORLD, are all important to me.  You are the ones whom I know I can trust no matter the situation, and I know you will have my back if ever I need you.  So as I continue on this journey, I will Proceed with Caution knowing that there are many who will support and few who will try to tear me down.  Strength in numbers tells me I will never have to face anything alone. 

The Next Chapter – Loves Me For Me

As I turn 40, I look ahead of me to see what life may hold.  Not looking behind, as that shows only the life that once was, and is no more.  I have taken the steps to move forward with my life and to take on this new chapter with nervous excitement.  I am excited to move forward, yet nervous to take each step.  The changes that have taken place in my life have been liberating.  I am free to be myself, free to live life to the fullest and not look back.  Not that my past holds negative memories, because it does not.  My past holds some of the grandest, most blessed memories I have.  However, I know that as the future opens up and I move forward, new memories will be made and they have the potential to be better yet.

As I move forward, I have many “Thank you’s” to send out. 

First, I must thank my parents.  40 years ago the love you shared brought me into the world.  Little did you know then the challenges I would bring to your lives throughout my life.  Through every twist and turn, every up and down, every hill and valley, you are always there for me.  My mommy is my one true BEST friend and she loves me for me.  I have many friends, few best friends, but my mom is the BEST OF THE BEST!! My Dad, well, he may not understand me or my decisions, but I know he loves me for me.  He may not agree with my moving to the city, or the people I bring into my life, but I know he loves me for me. 

My Granny Grand, in all her  91 years, has been through much and she still finds time to love each of her children, grandchildren, and all her extended family for who they are.  When I told her about my life and who I am I knew she still loves me for me. 

My dearest sister has spent many days and nights talking, listening, laughing, and crying with me.  The bond we share is more than brother/sister, it is the bond of true friends who never judge, never speak ill, and she loves me for me.

My most precious children have never shown any doubt in my moving forward.  They are the biggest blessing in my life, and they are the most caring, kind hearted, and accepting children I know.  They show an understanding of things most children would never know, and they accept everything about me as if it is a normal part of life.  Their love and support have made my move to the next chapter easier to make.  All of this is made easier because I know that each of them loves me for me.

The mother of my children is amazing.  What else can I say about the woman who gave birth to the most important people in my life.  We have had our moments, and lord knows things became strange for us both, but through everything, she has been one of my biggest supporters.  She is constantly offering advice and allowing me to be open with her when needed.  My decision was a huge struggle between responsibility-vs-love, and ultimately LOVE had to win.  It was either that or I was going to shrivel and die. In my case I had to choose to love me in order to do the responsible thing for my children, and that was to let their mother go and live a better life.  She has always been my best friend and always will be.  All of this shows that she loves me for me.

Mom2 is the women who took me in during my college years and allowed me to become part of her family.  She, her wonderful husband, and my little sister took me in, cared for me, and to this day offer the best support system a guy could ask for.  I love them for loving and caring for me.  They are special because each of them loves me for me.

My closest friends know me, my life, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, and my loves.  They are always beside me supporting and encouraging me.  They pick me up when I fall down.  They cheer with me when I am up.  They are the ones who I know I can count on in my darkest hours, and in the brightest moments of my life.  I know this because each of them loves me for me.

My distant friends are those who even though there are miles between us, I know they are there at any moment.  They offer support through encouraging cards, emails, texts, facebook messages, and phone calls.  They are so close that when we are together in person after long periods away the still prove to me that each of them loves me for me.

My new friends who have come into my life through this new chapter are a true blessing.  You may not know how valuable you are to me, but you help to make my life so much easier to maneuver through.  Your time may be spent going for a run with me, hanging out on the dance floor, or just being a part of the group when we are out to celebrate or party or just a "hello how are you" chat on facebook .  Whatever your role in my life it is valuable because by being there you prove that each of you loves me for me.

My “kids” are those former students and athletes, or even former students who were not in my class but are part of  the “group”.  These young people have been one of the most supportive and encouraging groups when it comes to dealing with my new life.  They send me some of the simplest messages, “like” my facebook status, give me a “good for you Mr. A”, and all without fear of what their peers will say.  They are great young people whom I love for my children to look up to.  These “kids” know that I would do anything for them at any time, and I know the same is true of them in reverse.  All of this because these very positive and un-prejudiced young people each loves me for me.

My “Protective” friend, has come into my life as the voice of concern.  He constantly pushes me to think and rationalize before making decisions.  He is the one “straight” person in my life who can hang with me in any bar, on the dance floor, shopping, or anywhere in any situation.  He can tell when I am down and supports and encourages me when I just need a friend.  He seeks advice from me, and is there to advise me when I need it.  From “he is not your type” to “you don’t want to do that” or even “don’t go to that bar tonight”, he is truly someone whom I know I can trust with my life, and the way he gets protective of me just proves that he loves me for me.

My “BEST GIRL”, has only been in my life a short time.  She has already gotten to know the deep inner me.  The me that I do not let everyone see.  She reads me better than those who have known me “forever”.  She has a true genuine spirit about her that allows me to be comfortable and calm.  She forces me to face myself and my issues with a true compassion, and she can make me smile with the simplest of texts or facebook messages.  She is truly a one of a kind friend who loves spending time with me as much as I enjoy the time with her.  All she does and says proves that she loves me for me.

My “Grace”, is the one “old” friend who has returned to my life to become an unexpected super fan of my life.  I am her “Will”, and we know that there is nothing we won’t do for each other.  I have her back and support her fully, as she does me.  Our own “Will and Grace” relationship is one that will last forever.  It has already been proven that as we have grown up we have grown into one of the strongest friendship bonds because she loves me for me.

My “one and only” knows who she is, and why she is.  She is the one person above all else who will smack me down when needed, cheer me up when no one else can, and throw me one hell of a party just because she loves me for me.

My AFF (Always Friends Forever) is so true to me even when I don’t deserve it.  He constantly supports and encourages me and wants nothing but the best for me.  Although we do not always agree on who or what that is, we stick together to lift each other up.  I know when I need anything, he will be there because he loves me for me.

Of all my friends, and all the support they give me, these next three are the ones who give me reason to breathe each morning.  They offer me all they can to allow me to know that I have their full support and encouragement as I step each day into this new chapter, because each of them loves me for me.

My BFF (Best Friend Forever) is just that.  She is the one who will always be where I need her, when I need her.  She may not always agree with my decisions or my actions, but she will always offer support and encouragement when it is needed.  These past few months she has been one powerful driving force in my life changes.  I know she does this because she loves me for me.

My GBFF (Gay Best Friend Forever) is truly a blessing to my life.  He came into my life at just the right moment and made my new life in the city bearable.  Although we have had our troubles, and he has moved on and out to start his own new chapter, I know he will be here when needed, as I will be for him.  Because we give one another support that most others don’t or can’t understand.  He is my saving grace and my sanity.  He is all these things because he loves me for me.

Then there is TTBFF(THE TRUE BEST Friend Forever) whom I have given my heart to even when he doesn’t want it.  He is the one who has made the “walk” into this new chapter worth every minute. We share everything about our lives.  We know that no matter what comes up, who comes in, who goes out, or how long we are apart, we will always be together.  We will be together as BEST friends always.  People look at us and look for the “something more” that they think they will find between us.  We both have to admit there are times when that line seems blurred, but WE know who we are and WHAT we are.  My life will be better for having him in it.  He has been in my life for a while now, and because of this I am comfortable being me.  He brings out both the best and worst in me.  That is what ones TRUE BEST FRIEND does.  They know you better than you know yourself, and because of this they know just when they are needed.  He knows I need him more at times, and he knows when I need him to just go away.  Fortunately, I know that when he does go away it is never for very long, and I know that soon we will be driving each other insane when we are together even more than before.  I know he exists in my life for a purpose, and he will remain my TTBFF because I KNOW he loves me for me.

Thank you to each of you, and most importantly to the one who matters most, My Lord and Savior Jesus Crist.  It amazes me daily the hate that exists in this world.  There are so many out there who struggle to be themselves because of hate and abuse.  There are so many who use The Word, to try to tear us down.  I have been fortunate in my life to have had many strong spiritual leaders and guides.  One thing I learned from each of them is that my God does not hate anyone.  I know that he will “never leave nor forsake me” because he LOVES ME FOR ME!