WERE YOU? – (A Poem written on a lonely day)

I sat alone today and looked around to see

Were you going to just stop in and sit a while with me

Were you coming by to visit me at all today

Or were you simply just going to stay away

I did my daily chores and looked again outside

Were you coming by for just a while to sit along beside

Were you trying to get me to survive the distance I feel from you

Or have you better things than seeing me to do

I turned on the music and sang songs for you to hear

Were you going to stop and lend a listening ear

Were you making me sit and work through being sad

Or were you not coming by because for some reason you are mad

I sat to write and you kept entering my mind

Were you going to stop by here to see what you might find

Were you just letting me fight the urge I had to cry

Or were you proving to me that alone I was not going to die

I did all I could all day long to make myself grin and smile

Were you watching me to see if I could go that extra mile

Were you pleased with the efforts that I have made

Or were you hoping for more as you watched me from the shade

I turned my face to heaven and said a little prayer

Were you going to come out at all to show me that you care

Were you going to wrap your arms around me tight

Or were you going to just gently kiss me good night.

I knew that you were watching me every second of this day

You were simply guiding me each and every step of the way

You were right beside me holding tightly to my hand

I knew I would make it because you helped me understand

_______________________________________________________________

As my journey took me through my first Holiday season alone in the city, I found many things to do to occupy my time.  Though I had those moments of sadness and wonder, I found that if I kept moving, and kept busy, GOD was right here guiding me through every step.  I know there are going to be days like these as this journey continues, but I know that even though I may be physically lonely, I am never truly alone.  GOD has blessed me with many great friends, and he blessed us all by sending is only son for each of us on this day.  I am glad I was able to spend this day “alone” in the city with GOD by my side guiding me through every step of the way. 

CHRISTMAS WISH

I have many blessings to be thankful for this Christmas.  Instead of sending out a wish for myself, I will send out a wish for all of my wonderful family and friends.  For those of you who have stood by me with support and encouragement throughout this very interesting year, I wish you peace, happiness, and contentment for the coming year.  I have begun a journey that I am excited to take into the new year, and I look forward to continuing it with the support and encouragement of those I love most.  Each of my family members have been special gifts to me this year.  On top of that, I have the BEST friends that any man, gay or straight, could ever ask for.  You have all been so accepting and supportive during some of my darkest periods.  You have lifted me to rise above the hate and condemnation of those who are not worth giving the time of day.  You have continually encouraged me to continue my journey of discovering ME.  I am finally living MY life and being the REAL ME, and I owe it to my wonderfully supportive friends and family.

I am amazed, almost daily, to find support coming from areas I never would have imagined, from people whom I didn't know even knoew I existed.  These people have become some of the best friends I have now, and they are continually giving me the extra push to make it through the rough patches of my life.

As I sit here tonight, on my first Christmas Eve in the city, I am overcome with a feeling of contentment and peace because of the wonderful blessings that have been bestowed upon me this past year.  There is no greater blessing than the love and suport of ones family and friends during life's struggles.  Well, I am not struggling with life anymore, because I have found the blessings that God has offered me, and I stand on the support of each of you as I continue the adventure ahead.

Merry Christmas to one and all.  May God bless you each this Christmas season with that which will guide you through the coming new year, as he has me.

LOVES,
Phil

IT’S MY WONDERFUL LIFE

I have seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” many times.  I have seen the different knock off shows where someone wonders what things would be like if they didn’t exist.  As I sit alone for the first time on a major holiday, I feel like I don’t exist.  Now, don’t start saying “oh, here he goes again feeling sorry for himself and crying about being alone”.  That is not it at all.  Yes I am alone, yes the tears have been flowing a bit more lately, but not all because of my feelings of being alone, but because of my feelings of trying to fit into this new life.

Recently, a “friend” (who is now a former friend) made some harsh comments about me “being alone”.  It was stated that I am a “pathetic 40 year old man who has no friends” and that the reason I am “alone all the time” is because I am a “whiny drama queen, who has to be the center of attention”.  I know these statements are false, but they really got me to thinking that night.  Do I bring drama into my life by whining about being alone?  Do I not have friends?  Well, I have had much time to think about these questions in the days since those harsh comments were made, and I know the answers. 

No, I am NOT a drama queen who thrives on being the center of attention.  I much prefer letting my friends choose where to go, what to do, and like to watch them have fun.  I receive my joy watching my friends have a good time.  I tend to sacrifice my own desires for those of my friends, because I would rather watch them having fun than being in the action myself.  My true REAL friends know me well enough to know that I do not care to be front and center in any event.  I am perfectly fine sitting back and being a “wall flower”.

I am not alone “all the time”.  I am surrounded by my many friends and wonderful family often.  I seem down and depressed more because when I AM alone, I can not handle it.  I am trying to deal with the feelings of loneliness by staying at my place alone and adjusting to how things are.  Do I enjoy it?  NO, I hate being alone.  Who enjoys being alone?  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some alone time occasionally, but not very often, and not more than a couple of hours.  Days of being alone are not fun for me, but they are often by choice for me.  I have chosen to sit at home alone more lately, to make myself adjust to the times when I must be here without anyone else around. 

My life has taken many interesting twists and turns over the past year, and I am still trying to figure out everything that has happened, and continues to happen.  I am still trying to find my place in this life, and who truly wants to be in it with me.  I am not stupid,  I know there are those who are just “along for the ride” because they are interested in seeing how the ride ends.  Well, I do not see it ending anytime soon, and have already seen some of those “tag-alongs” bail because they can’t handle it.  Those so-called friends who can’t handle that the “gay man” does have a life that does not revolve around all that they do.  That I have some definite plans and clear dreams and desires that do not always fit with their plans. 

Even as I think I start to figure things out for my life, and where it is heading, I am reminded that nothing is definite and set in stone.  I have learned that, even though I have plans and dreams, things can change in an instant and I must slow down and get back to living one day at a time.  The things I think are going to happen this month, may not happen until next month, or things may change and they may not happen at all.  I have those plans and dreams that I hope come through and turn out as expected, but I have had to make myself understand that when plans include other people they have a good chance of turning out differently.  Sometimes when I sit here alone, I have to make myself realize that I only control my part of things, and that there are only a few people whom I can actually trust enough to follow through with plans.  They know who they are, but let me say that my mom, my granny, my sister, my mom2, and my BESTIE, are the only ones who I KNOW will always be here when they say, and do what they say they will do. 

Being alone for this holiday is my choice.  It is already hard and yet, I know I must push through.  I have chosen to stay in the city alone this holiday to prove to myself that I can survive and to make my new life MINE!  I know there are those who don’t understand my need to do this, but I have to make myself stronger.  I have to believe that I can stand alone here in this city, in my new life, and handle the times when I feel I am alone.  I know I am never truly alone, and I know I always have somewhere to go, but I have to work through the feelings I have when my children are with their mom, when my friends have other plans, when I can not be with my family, and when my BESTIE has things to do. 

Found it ironic that my horoscope for today was the following.

“Something is urging you to take action, Libra. You may feel a restlessness in the air that makes you want to get up and go. The problem is the place you need to go may not be obvious at first. Tender emotions may get in the way of decisive action. Realize that your destination is inside your heart. We all go through moody periods. This could be one for you.”

This is definitely one of those moody periods for me, but through all the sad, lonely feelings and tears, I know I am coming out stronger in the end.  I know I am becoming more independent and more self-reliant.  I do not have to have others to pick me up and dost me off to get me back on my feet.  I need myself.  I need to be able to make the decisions about what to do with my time, and not sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself.  I just can’t figure out right now where it is I need to go, what I need to do, or who I need to spend this time with.  I have an idea of what I need to do, what I need to say, and who it is that it should be directed to, but not sure that person is ready to hear it now, if ever.  That is where I need this time to help iron out all the random thoughts and feelings, so that I can start moving the tender emotions out of the way and take decisive action.  That is what I need to figure out so that I can continue on the journey ahead because It’s My Wonderful Life that lies before me.

It’s Just Cake!

Wow! I am really finding being a single man to be very interesting.  I am sure it is the same for single straights as well, but this is very frustrating.  I am finding dating to be difficult.  Not that it is difficult to find a date (not bragging, just saying), but that people can’t look at it as “just a date”.  The same way people can’t find it in themselves to believe the words “just friends”.  There are days when I want to throw my hands up, crawl into a shell and just be a hermit the rest of my life.  It seems that might be easier than trying to date someone and “just date” for a while before becoming a “couple”. 

I have been on a few dates lately.  Nice dates with really nice guys whom I would not mind seeing again sometime.  Instantly people find out you have gone on a date and they are picking out housewarming gifts, and china patterns.  Really?  That is not what I am looking for right now.  I am just getting a feel for this life and “dating around”, enjoying life and hoping to someday (long down the road) finding someone to spend exclusive time with.  Until then, they are just dates.  Go out to dinner, grab a drink, talk, and get acquainted.  That is all I am looking for and all I want to do right now, just go out, hang out, with good guys who could become good friends.

Speaking of friends, can we not have people in our lives who are “just friends”?  And it is not always others who take it and interpret the intentions wrongly.  You know,  you go to dinner with a friend, you go get ice cream, you ask them sometime if they want to do something and you are ignored for DAYS, maybe weeks?  I am not asking you to have cake because I want to get in your pants. I am not asking you to go get ice cream because I want to marry you.  I am asking you because I consider you a friend, we are both here, and maybe we both like cake or ice cream.  Then there is the “just friends” friend whom everyone else assumes is “the friend”.  They always ask, “so how is ‘your friend’?” and “what is ‘your friend’ doing tonight?”  I always say, “which friend? I have many.”  Yes there are some friends I am closer to than others, the ones that I spend a majority of my time with, but that does not make us a couple.  It just makes us close friends, good friends, even BEST FRIENDS, but does not mean we are “together”. 

Sorry just something that I had to get off my chest this week.  Sometimes I wonder when this will make sense to me and get easier.  Then I realize it probably never will, and it is all part of this wonderful journey we call life.  Until I have it partially figured out, I will continue to be me, and have the friends I have.  I will just have to make sure that everyone realizes, IT’S JUST CAKE, NOT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

As I spent a day alone in the city because of a snow day from school, I found myself having many “random thoughts” about life.  These were not just thoughts about my life, but about life in general.  I decided to sit and compile a few of these thoughts into a post for the blog.  Not that they all, if any, have anything to do with my being gay or living my life in the city, but that these thoughts each came up at a point in the day when there was a change in the air.

As I thought of writing this entry I was going to call it “Deep Thoughts”, but that reminded me of one of the best times of my life sitting and watching Saturday Night Live in Aurora Illinois and waiting to here what Jack Handy had for us on that particular night.  Surely you know what I am referring to, right?  Well here is an example.  “I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex.  What a coincidence!” Thank you, Jack Handy. 

Life is like a snowstorm   

As I watch this snow swirl, I think about my life.  I compare the blowing and swirling of the snow to the tumultuous changes that have so recently taken place in my life.  How each snow flake, whirling around seemingly without purpose, suddenly finds its goal.  Adding to the accumulation of other flakes it begins to create a pile on the frozen ground.  It is at that moment that I was reminded that each “flake” of my life’s tumult, adds to the accumulating pile that will create the purpose of my life.  As I watched the wind blow and move piles into drifts, I see my life’s “flakes” being moved into place.  As the wind dies down and the snow settles into place, I then realize that when things slow down and the flakes settle in my life, I will see the purpose and know the goal.  For now I will just continue to live each day as it comes and stop trying to see the end result before it is time.

In the blink of an eye

Recently a great man, a man of purest integrity, passed away.  No, he was not a family member, not even a friend of mine, but he was just as important as family or friend to my life. I will always remember October 7, 1993 when I received a phone call offering me a teaching position that would lead to the career I have today.  When I accepted the position as a temporary replacement, little did I know then that it would be permanent and I would still be with the same school system today.  Yes, he brought me in fresh out of college and gave me the opportunity of a lifetime.  I owe a great deal to this man.  He and I may not have seen eye-to-eye about everything, but he was an encouraging support when needed, and offered valuable advice where critique might have been utilized by others.  As my career progressed, and he retired, I still had occasion to see him out and about, mostly at his grandsons’ sporting events.  Later I was able to coach one of his younger grandchildren, and he always had kind words to say when we met up at events.  As I look to his recent passing, I know that a great man may have left this earth, but has arrived at his rightful destination and is playing shuffleboard with the King of Kings!

Why me?

As usual, when I sit and think, my thoughts turned to self pity.  Although this was a brief visit by self pity today, it still brought the usual “why me?” along.  Today I sat and started thinking, “why am I the one who has to initiate contact with friends?”  “why is it my fault when communication breaks down and the friendship ends?”  As I pondered these two thoughts, I realized it is only partially my responsibility, and only partially my fault.  I also decided that it is no longer my fault or responsibility when I have made an attempt and that attempt is ignored or disregarded as quickly as it was made.   Once I decided this I decided that it is time to stop trying so hard.  I LOVE my friends, and I love having friends around.  However, I am finding lately that there are only a few others who are as dependent as I on having friends around often.  I am also finding that, maybe, some of my “friends” are not really friends and I should place them in the mere acquaintance grouping, and not look for them to be in contact except through random encounters on the street, or in the halls, or at the mall.  The hard part of this is deciding exactly who from the “fringe” should be moved to the acquaintance group. Thus, not requiring any responsibility of contact from me.  I have already placed one supposed “close friend” there, and it looks like another or two will be moving there soon.  I am responsible for me, and it is not my fault if friendship ends, only my fault for believing it existed in the first place.

Missing

So the last thought lead to this one.  There is one “close friend” who is missing from my life these days.  For months we were inseparable.  We went everywhere together.  People rarely saw one of us without the other.  We even lived together for a while.  I thought he was my best friend, someone whom I could trust with my life, and whom I could always turn to.  Now I find that he does not exist.  He is no longer in my life, and I have not spoken to him or heard from him in weeks.  We had our moments of disagreement, but when we “parted ways”, I thought it was amicable and that we would still be in contact and our friendship, though different, would go on.  I was so wrong.  After many attempts to make contact, and many ignored and disregarded messages, I made the decision to move on without him in my life.  My heart aches when I think of our time together and what I thought we meant to one another.  No we were not “lovers”, but I did love him.  I loved him like a true friend who would take a bullet for another.  I found during the decision to remove him from my life, that I never mattered to him at all.  I was just a stepping stone for him to get where he wanted and to use until he had what he needed, then I was discarded like yesterday’s news.  I still think of him on occasion and wonder what he is up to, wonder if he is putting my bike to good use, wonder if he ever thinks about those months when we were rarely apart.  I cry, then I SLAP myself, because it is not worth dwelling on, or is it?  We may never know.

** Additon 1/23/2011  - Had a random text today.  I have been doing very well, am very happy in my life, and today was punched in the gut with a rondom text.  No, it wasn't a mean text, just random.  Became a 3 or 4 text conversation, well not really conversation.  Then as quickly as it began it abruptly ended with no response.  I was doing well not to remember this friend, or the time we spent together.  Started to think about him out of the blue this week, then had this text from him today.  I am thinking he mistakenly texted me and then felt obligated to reply a couple of times.  I am not sure and, with the suddeness of his disappearance, I may never know.

Why not?

This is only listed because it was a part of my day.  I can not write any description here, because readers who know will not need description.  So I will leave it at that, when the book is published, this topic will take up many chapters and will reveal some true pain and obsession.  Until then, just imagine if you always found yourself wanting what you can never have.

Because of Days Like This

Ever have one of those days?  You know, the kind where anything that could go wrong does, and you think things can not possible get any worse yet they do.  Well, I have come to realize that days like this are the norm for me, and if I wait long enough something will happen to turn it around.  I have had those days where things have gone rough at work.  Frustrated parents, misbehaving students, stressed friends, pained family members, and strained relationships all seem to come pouring into my life at once.  I begin to feel the strain and stress of trying to fix everything for everyone. 

As I go through the day, I work to calm the angered parent.  I make every attempt to assure them than the problem that they see is more of a mole hill than a mountain.  I explain the situation from the teacher perspective, and allow the parent time to digest the information.  As that fire is put out, and the parent moves on to the rest of their day, I move forward with the next hurdle in the way.

The students will misbehave all day this day.  Nothing that is said will calm them down.  No amount of threatening or punishment will get them to discontinue their torrent of bickering, tattling, and tantrum throwing.  As the day moves on, the behaviors seem to fade only because I have become exhausted and block them out to work with those who are truly ready to learn.  As the sounds of misbehavior fade away, it is time to move forward to extinguish the next fire.

As the day winds down I focus on my friends and their upset feelings.  Everyone knows how much I value my friendships and my friends.  I take the struggles of my friends seriously and worry about each of them daily.  My worry for them tends to be more than my worry for myself on a regular basis.  No matter what their struggles or emotional strain, I always take their pain on as my own.  The stress this causes is intense, but I would not trade it for a single day of silence and calm.  As I work through the stresses of my friends I move on to the next issue of the day.

As I look to my family, I see the pain and upset of their day and take it on myself to see what I can do to take it away.  Be it through intense prayer, messages of caring, or an offhanded joke to cause a chuckle, I work to see the smile on their face because any other look breaks my heart.  I hurt more when my family hurts than if I had been shot through the heart with a rusty arrow.  My family is more important to me than anything else and when there is pain and upset in the family, I want nothing more than to take that pain away.  As I finish tending to the family needs I move my concerns to yet another fire in need of extinguishing.

The strained relationships in my life tend to take a backseat until it appears to be too late for salvage.  I have a bad habit of taking things personally when communication breaks down.  I put blame on myself when things get rough and relationships suffer from strain.  I have some very close friends (and former friends) who I cannot seem to understand.  When there is an apparent meltdown in communication, it seems that I am the one who causes a gap in my failing attempts to put the broken pieces back together.  These friends appear angry and I assume that I have offended them.  By the time I realize what has truly happened, it is sometimes too late to restore.  I have lost some very close friends lately due to these lapses in judgment and the errors in communication.  Some friends who I thought would never go away, have vanished from my life.  The old me would have sat and cried over the demise of these relationships, but the new me accepts them as closed doors that will lead to open windows.  As I come to this realization, I am finally ready to move on to the last fire and take care of myself. 

When the part of the day arrives when I can take care of ME, I usually feel exhausted.  However, there are those days when, after all the trials and tribulations have passed, something grand comes along and makes it all seem so minor and trivial.  A huge success, a great visit from a trusted confident, a positive life changing event, or a new path on the journey of life can wash away all the charred remains of the extinguished fires.  As the days pitfalls vanish into the past, the next chapter becomes more clearly visible, and is so worth moving into.  These are the days that let me know I am going to be ok.  I know, when I am having a down or emotionally exhausting day, it just takes some patience waiting on the next great day. It is because of days like these that the other days are bearable.  It is because of days like this, that I choose to continue living my life just the way I am.