Anniversary of a Nightmare

Where do I begin?  I have a feeling this post will be offensive to some and, quite frankly, I don't care.  Three years ago I was on death's doorstep, in a coma, fighting to breathe, and drowning in my own body.  This month has become an emotional week with the memories of where I had been and how far I have come.  Facebook took over and started showing me memories that I never even knew existed, or had only seen once briefly a year after.  These were posts from people during my darkest hours that I may just now be seeing for the first time three years after the nightmare occurred.  

Things started this week when a couple of posts reminded me that it all began March 6, 2014 when breathing became so labored and I had to be taken to the hospital.  The couple of posts from that night two years ago were enough to stir the emotions and cause the tears to begin flowing.  Seeing posts that reminded me of events I vaguely remembered (the last memories I have before the long 37 day ordeal) started this "anniversary" of memories.

There were the usual posts of prayer and concern from family, friends, and even strangers to show how so many were pulling for me to recover.  Those posts make me cry tears of joy, knowing the love and concern that was being expressed.  There have been so many, and will continue to be until mid-April when I was finally sent home and posts returned to "normal".  However that brings me to another group of posts.

What is a return to "normal"?  There were so many posts from those closest to me in my life, best friends and family.  Posts that expressed love and concern beyond my healing.  Posts that made promises, or hinted at promises.  These promises took many forms from things being different to renewed commitment and stronger bonds.  These posts are the ones that tend to bring the most painful tears.  The posts themselves don't hurt as much as the broken promises and dead love they seem to portray three years later.  Where did you go?  Where did I fail you?  You prayed, cried, pulled for me to wake up and come back.  

I did come back. I woke up from that horrible nightmare only to face months of nightmares of drowning and falling every night.  As those terrible dreams faded away, so did more of the promises and my hope. I am now, three years removed from a near death nightmare, recovered from most of the frightening dreams, only to be thrown into yet another nightmare situation.  As I read and re-read posts from 2014, I fear 2017 and beyond even more.  I am not sure how much more my mind can take.  

I am not sure why I woke up and came back.  However, I am certain it wasn't so that I could suffer the never ending cycle of broken promises, lost "friends", and never intended commitments.  So, I ask again, where did you go.  Maybe that's not the best question.  Maybe the real question should be WHY did you go?  Why did you pull me out of one nightmare just to cast me into another.  Why did you promise change and commitment only to run away or pull away in fear?  

I don't ask these because I am angry.  I ask because I am hurt that those promises faded away and no true commitments came out of those.  Don't beat yourself up over the answers to this, just think about what you might have done a year later to keep these feelings of loss and despair from coming out three years later leading to another "nightmare" and do what you can to assure those same false promises and misleading commitments don't haunt someone else if ever you are faced with a similar situation again.

I love all who pulled me from the pit of death, but I often wonder why you did it.  Was it for me to live the repeated nightmares, or was it for you to clear your conscience and conquer your own fears.  Broken promises and misleading commitments are not pleasant reminders of my return to the living.  They are painful reminders of lost hope and future nightmares.