Nighttime In The City Alone

Well, as night falls again, I sit here alone and ponder if this is the right place for me.  I have never been alone like this, and I don’t like the feeling of loneliness.  Now, I know I am never truly “alone” in this world, but nights like this really feel lonely to me.  I come home to my small studio apartment in the city, fix myself something to eat, settle down to TV or radio, and begin to think and write.  The thinking is, of course, the part of the evening that causes me problems. 

As I sit alone and think, I begin to think about the “what ifs”.  What if I had stayed in Trafalgar, what would my life be like now.  What if I had taken a job somewhere else, how would things be different? What if there were no mean people in my life, how peaceful would things be?  What if I found HIM and settled down, how would my life be different?  Then I start to think about the realities of my life.  I did not stay in Trafalgar, and my life has begun to flourish as I finally live as the REAL ME.  I kept my job “down home”, and I am happy to work among some of the most kind, caring, and supportive colleagues around.  There are “mean” people in my life and they only have cause me to grow stronger in my beliefs, and in my love for my true self.  I have not found him, yet, or have I?  This question I ponder each time I sit alone.  I have met many wonderful men who have potential, but none of them have proven to be THE ONE, yet.  I say “yet” because I know HE is out there, and I believe he is very close to being revealed to me.  I may be wrong, but I am sure he will come into my life when the time is right, so I have stopped searching for THE ONE.  I have decided he will come to me when he is ready and the time is right.  I know my life is different for all the “What ifs” that have not taken place, and will be different when some of them become realities of my life.

As the thunder and lightning continue, I remember why I hate being alone.  I hate being alone because of the tears of loneliness that flow down my cheeks when I realize I am here alone and no one is coming to visit.  That is the hardest part of living in the city, the knowledge that when I do arrive at the apartment alone there will be no one coming to visit.  I sit and text and chat online, but neither of those completely fills the void.  There is a void that exists when I feel lonely and I am still trying to figure out the best way to fill the void, and overcome the feelings of loneliness.  Most nights I can accomplish this feat, and enjoy the alone time without feeling lonely.  Storms bring out the worst of the lonely feelings, because they seem to taunt me with their bright lights and loud claps.  As I try to sleep, these loud claps of thunder and flashes of lightning remind me that I am “alone”, and the feelings of loneliness creep back in. 

I will overcome all of these feelings of loneliness and despair, and will continue to work to spread peace and harmony to all of my friends, in hopes that the circumstances of my life will call to someone and give them hope in knowing that WE will survive.  There are many out there who are struggling daily with so much more than any of us might ever imagine.  I know how much they hurt, and I hope that by sharing my experiences they will realize that even when times get rough, there is always a corner up the road to take them in another more positive direction.

So as I sit ALONE in the city at night, I know I am not alone, I am only experiencing feelings of loneliness because I am still not used to not having someone right with me to keep the loneliness out.  There are great friends who visit, but they have their own lives to tend to, and cannot come visit me every time I am “alone”.  So, I adjust to being alone by using time to read and write, and to make connections to those who will become lifelong friends.  Nighttime in the city alone has been interesting and as I prepare for the next step, I am certain it is going to become more and more interesting each and every day.