BOYS AND BASEBALL

I sit and watch you play your game

Both so different, yet the same
You love your sport and the fun
I love to watch you play and run

I watch you work with all your might
You think about sport all day and night

You know your game and its ins and outs

You love to hear the fans cheers and shouts

I watch you make up for your size
I see the excitement in your eyes
When they come to watch your smiles beam

You don’t care if you lose at least your on the team

I stand and cheer when you do well

And cried along with each time you fell

You always get up and bounce right back

There’s where you make up for the size you lack

I watch you do everything so intently

I hope you realize how proud you make me

Your strength and love are very rare

You, my boys are quite a pair

You live your lives just like you play

You go head first into each new day

I watch you together in all that you do

My boys and your baseball how I love you

To Trent and Trey 6/26/2011

From Dad

MY CITY WINDOW

I sit here and look to the south. I see the towering skyline of my downtown. The city I have come to love as “home” and as the residence of my wonderful life. As I watch the traffic flow to the city and see the pedestrian traffic, I wonder how many of them have the same thoughts and questions as I. The view to the south is the best view from my city window, and it allows me the opportunity to peer into the city and suppose.

I suppose that each member of the family in the BMW passing by has their own questions about their daily lives. Is everything they are being told by the ones they love truthful? Are they going to survive the next two months financially? I am certain that the couple crossing the street questions weather or not it is true love that they feel, or just a flutter of nervousness about their new relationship. The young man on the bicycle is probably trying to decide if what he has done today was worth it, or if it was just another day’s time wasted for nothing.

Yes, as I sit her and look down the street from my fifth floor apartment I find myself asking these same questions about my loved ones, about my love life, and about the things I have done during the day. I am so happy in my life here in the city, but I struggle daily with the same questions as the people passing by. I wonder how much of what I hear during a typical day has been truth and how much of it has been falsified for my benefit. I have been lied to in my lifetime, and this makes trust difficult. I do not like to distrust anyone, but sometimes things just seem too good to be true. Sometimes I am hesitant to believe because I do not know for sure how to trust. I love my family and friends, but sometimes I question what I am being told because I feel like they are afraid the truth would be too much for me to handle. Well, I would rather deal with hard truths, than find out something has been a lie and I have had no way to prepare for the truth.
I wonder daily how I am going to survive financially now that I am once again living here alone with no “roomate income” to help pay the bills. I know I can make it, and I know I can find a way to survive until certain changes take place to make things more financially secure, but I still worry that this struggle will bring me to sacrifice myself and my new life just to stay afloat. I worry that I can not provide things for my loved ones the way I could if my finances were in a better place. But I am sure that those I see driving by are battling some of the same monetary demons as I.

As I sit here watching the couple crossing the street, I think about my own relationship and have to go down that road. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, but is it true love in the sense that this is the one? We talk about long term, we talk about the future, as all couples do in the beginnings of serious relationships, but then I sit alone looking out this window and I wonder if it is real. How do we know? When does it become clear? Yes, I look out this window and know that those other couples out there are having the same struggles within themselves, and that we all go through the times when we question everything about our relationship to determine if it has been real from the beginning, and if it will be till the end.
Then there is that ultimate question at the end of the day. As the young man on his bicycle returns home from his daily tasks, he wonders if it was worth it or just a waste of time that he will never get back. I have done a great deal of thinking on this subject lately . Is anything I do during the day worth doing, or is it just a waste of time that I will never get back. Without going into great detail, there are times lately that I have done things with others and wondered, what for. Why did I do that? Why was that necessary to my day? What is the benefit for me? Yes, that is selfish, but sometimes I do wonder what my benefit is from the things I do with or for others. In the end is it worth it? Is it worth spending the time and effort on these daily tasks, or are they simply a waste of time, time that I will never get back?

As I sit her and ponder life’s questions, looking out my city window, I know that I am better off today than I was yesterday, and I will be better yet tomorrow. I know that I am loved by family and friends, and any falseness from them is their way of trying to protect me and keep me safe. I know that these financial woes will turn around and things will look up and the struggle will become less soon, as an economic balance comes to my life. I know the love I have for my guy is the same as the love he has for me. I know that the plans we have for the future are going to come to fruition as we continue on our journey together. He is the love of my life and my ultimate source of support and encouragement. As for the time I devote to the daily tasks in my life, I know they are worth it. It may be time I am not going to get back, but it is time well spent and worth every minute.


I am happy in my life, and I continue to realize more about my self daily. I know more about who I am each day, and I find that knowing myself makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. I challenge each of you to find your “city window”, ponder your life’s questions, and find yourself. You may not find all the answers, but you will find out more about yourself as you search your inner self. I assure you that finding yourself is worth all the effort you put into it, because it is not until you know yourself that others can truly know you as well.

OUR LOVE

Our Love is that which knows no end

The kind you share with your best friend

The kind of love that stands all time

That's the love that's yours and mine

Our Love is that which others envy

The kind they know true love can be

The kind of love that lasts forever

That's the love that will end never

Our Love is that which was sent by fate

The kind that those who can't have, hate

The kind of love that knows no bounds

That's our love from the heavens to the grounds

Our Love is that which soulmates share

The kind that grows with loving care

The kind of love that is forever true

That's the love between me and you.

Our Love is that which knows no end

The kind you share with your best friend

The kind of love that stands all time

That's the love that's yours and mine

Written by PDA for RAC

I LOVE YOU BABY!

GO-TO FRIEND

So, I supposed I should look at it as a form of flattery, but lately it has been more like “being used”.  I have gotten myself so wrapped up in what everyone else wants and needs, that I have begun to neglect my own needs.  I have become a non-confrontational person lately, and that is not I.  I have started to shy away from saying what I think and letting people know what I feel, and just doing what they ask.  I have stopped saying “NO”, and started allowing myself to be walked all over.

Well, I am tired of it!  I have finally reached the breaking point.  It took the actions of one “friend” to push me there.  However, it is the works of many that have built up to this moment in time.  I will not name names, nor will I list specific events, but I do have a couple of things to say.  I do not write this to upset anyone or make you angry, but I have to get some things off my chest without having a verbal, face-to-face confrontation.  Some of this has been going on for years now and some more recently.  The build-up has reached an intolerable and unbearable level, and I will not take it any longer.

First, I am no longer going to be anyone’s,  “Go-To Friend”.  You know the one friend who you can ignore, blow off, turn away from when he needs help or company, the one who you tell “no” or say, “I’m too busy” to when he asks.  Well, I have been there for my friends because I do not like to ignore text messages nor do I like to be ignored.  I do not like to say no when someone is bored and wants company.  However, lately I am finding that even though I make myself readily available when needed, I cannot seem to find the return favor when I am in need.  I sit alone many times after sending endless texts longing for interaction only to find myself ignored.  I know that people lead busy lives, so why is it that I can find time to make myself available on a moment’s notice and others cannot?  I work all day, I coach, and I have a life other than yours!

Secondly, I am tired of not having a voice.  I know, you are all saying, “what? You express yourself all the time!”  Well that is true, but I do it through writing because I cannot seem to find anyone who will actually listen when I want need to speak.  I find that I can be a part of conversation as long as I do not expect to actually speak.  Many times, I try to start a conversation only to have it taken away and then find that I never did get to say what I had to say. 

Now, those things said, I want to make it clear that this in no way expresses my feeling toward all of my “friends”.  My “true” friends know me well enough to know if this addresses them at all.  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it will either not read it, or they will not recognize themselves in it.  So, be prepared, I will no longer be treated as the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  I will not be walked all over.  I will not be treated as the “go-to friend” anymore.  Yes, I will still be here for my friends when they “NEED” me, but I will NOT be “USED” without expecting something in return.  That may be wrong to say, but I am truly physically tired and emotionally drained by those whose only purpose in my life lately is for me to be there for them when they do not intend to be here for me.

I love my life, I love my friends, but lately I want a couple of “Go-To Friends” of my own.  Is that too much to ask?

**UPDATE 

I am struggling to find those go to friends.  I guess I should clarify.  I have "go-to-friends" if I want to go 40-50 miles away to go to them.  I just need that one friend who lives nearby and is here for me like I would be for them.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who is here for me as much as he can be, but sometimes I need someone else to talk to.  Someone who I can run to when I need to get away from things here, like the stalker that won't get the hint and go away.  Some days I feel like a prisoner in my apartment because I get afraid to go out and be followed and I have noone up here to run to when I feel trapped. 

I still have those who come to me when they need me, yet are hard to find when I am in need.  Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends, and I am glad I can be here for them when they need me, I just wish when the tables were turned i coulld find them there for me.