As February arrived, my hopes soared with a new found sense of comfort. Things appeared to be heading in the direction of my dreams, with a return to the love that was put on hold in my life. February always brings feelings of love and hope to me, since I first met the love of my life on February 8, 2011 and we officially started "dating" February 10, 2011. We celebrate our "Anniversary" on this date and this year was no different. Love seems to be surrounding us this February with our special dates and Valentine's Day, but I have to remind myself that I must keep my hopes and dreams limited, and I must accept the reality that once these days pass, so too might the feelings of comfort and restoration.
You see, We have had a rough patch the last two years, and lately things have given the appearance that we might weather the storm and return to the days where we shared everything and called one another "partner". I was reminded on last year's "anniversary" night just how much I show my feelings. You see, he apparently "slipped" a couple of times and called me "hubby" during the evening and at dinner. When he said it at dinner, and I of course smiled, he said to me "Don't get your hopes up." Then I knew, the Love and companionship I was feeling return was more in my mind and heart than in his. I began to assume that maybe he had moved on from me, from "us", and that the week was just a celebration of our past together.
Fast forward to this year, and things appear to be back on track, yet I no longer hear "I am IN love with you". So, I settle for the "I love you" that I hear several times a day. Don't get me wrong, I cherish every day and every "I love you", more now that I have conquered death twice, but I long to hear someone tell me that he is "IN love" with me again. As we approach our 5th anniversary together, and our upcoming 5th Valentine's Day together, I remain hopeful yet cautious. I once thought the ring would be the tie to bind us forever, but I have put that thought away and cherish each moment together as more important than any ring or a a document of law to proclaim out undying love for one another. I was once ready to be legally married to this man, I still hope to be some day, but I will hold on to all we have in hopes that some day we will both be ready at the same time.
As the coming week closes out with the joys and love of Valentine's Day, I will have another chance to see the Love we share. I will have this chance as I hope the fears of the bottom dropping out will not result in the awareness that I have been holding onto hope in the light of love and not in the certainty that is reality. Reality? Yes, the reality that love is a two way street, and, even though he still loves me, he may not bet "in love" with me any more and I must let this new reality be his. Letting go is the hardest part of any relationship, weather it be letting go of a partner, a lover,, a companion, or love itself. I hope my fears are just me being paranoid and afraid. I have hopes that this week might bring us back, and the rings might once again be more than just a symbol for others to see as evidence of our "partnership". However, I face the reality that I should "not get my hopes up" and I should be prepared for whatever reality brings my way.
I will never stop loving him and I will always want him to be a part of my life. A year ago I saw that we were approaching the point of being beyond "repair", and I tried not to allow my hopes and dreams continue to cause my heart to break. We made it through that rough patch and we put ourselves back on a path of "partnership" that I cherish. I remain cautiously optimistic that "forever" is still in our future. But, even so, I celebrate February's role in my life for all the past hopes and dreams, and I look forward to whatever February has to offer me this year. No matter if it is Love, companionship, or a broken heart, I am prepared. I have no choice. I have to be ready for any possibility, and I AM.
