I Want To See Me Be Brave

What is bravery? What does it take to be courageous? Interesting questions I find myself pondering as my life prepares for a turn I never anticipated.  I thought I had found my forever love, my soulmate, and that was all I would need to get through the daily grind.  Well, that seems to have been a dream that has come to an end and I find myself battling every emotion possible while trying to be brave and prepare to move on to a single life once more.

I am not sure how I am surviving this transition, but I am.  I am surviving because I always rise above.  I am surviving because I force myself once again to step out of my comfort zone and get out and live.  I also know I survive because, even though the man I believed to be my forever partner has moved on, I have good friends and supportive family who will never leave my side. 

The first step for me, in being brave, was to accept that this six year relationship had run its course and it was time to let go of the hopes and dreams of the future I once imagine.  The second step was agreeing to part ways amicably and promise to remain friends and always be in one another's lives as such.  The third step was to tell the boys that we were going our "separate ways" and letting them be apart of the "break-up" process.  Next, together we put out a joint "statement" on social media that we we had mutually agreed to part ways. 

Our Statement on Social Media

All of these steps have prepared me to take the next step and begin the process of "moving on".  This step has not been easy, and I continue to stumble over my emotions.  However, I know it is a necessary step in order to begin writing the story of my future.  I am stronger now than I once was.  I am more ready today, than yesterday.  I am more brave now than I have been in a long time.  Looking back on my journey through this blog, I know I have been brave in the past, I realize I am brave now, and I am confident I will be brave enough to continue this journey once again.  I am confident, because I want to see me be brave and conquer my new fears and make new dreams become realities. 

LISTEN TO BRAVE HERE

I know this is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is just a small obstacle on the pathway to my new future.  I welcome all who wish to join this journey to look over my older posts, and decide if you are willing to be a part of whatever crazy ride this roller-coaster life of mine decides to take. 

Anniversary of a Nightmare

Where do I begin?  I have a feeling this post will be offensive to some and, quite frankly, I don't care.  Three years ago I was on death's doorstep, in a coma, fighting to breathe, and drowning in my own body.  This month has become an emotional week with the memories of where I had been and how far I have come.  Facebook took over and started showing me memories that I never even knew existed, or had only seen once briefly a year after.  These were posts from people during my darkest hours that I may just now be seeing for the first time three years after the nightmare occurred.  

Things started this week when a couple of posts reminded me that it all began March 6, 2014 when breathing became so labored and I had to be taken to the hospital.  The couple of posts from that night two years ago were enough to stir the emotions and cause the tears to begin flowing.  Seeing posts that reminded me of events I vaguely remembered (the last memories I have before the long 37 day ordeal) started this "anniversary" of memories.

There were the usual posts of prayer and concern from family, friends, and even strangers to show how so many were pulling for me to recover.  Those posts make me cry tears of joy, knowing the love and concern that was being expressed.  There have been so many, and will continue to be until mid-April when I was finally sent home and posts returned to "normal".  However that brings me to another group of posts.

What is a return to "normal"?  There were so many posts from those closest to me in my life, best friends and family.  Posts that expressed love and concern beyond my healing.  Posts that made promises, or hinted at promises.  These promises took many forms from things being different to renewed commitment and stronger bonds.  These posts are the ones that tend to bring the most painful tears.  The posts themselves don't hurt as much as the broken promises and dead love they seem to portray three years later.  Where did you go?  Where did I fail you?  You prayed, cried, pulled for me to wake up and come back.  

I did come back. I woke up from that horrible nightmare only to face months of nightmares of drowning and falling every night.  As those terrible dreams faded away, so did more of the promises and my hope. I am now, three years removed from a near death nightmare, recovered from most of the frightening dreams, only to be thrown into yet another nightmare situation.  As I read and re-read posts from 2014, I fear 2017 and beyond even more.  I am not sure how much more my mind can take.  

I am not sure why I woke up and came back.  However, I am certain it wasn't so that I could suffer the never ending cycle of broken promises, lost "friends", and never intended commitments.  So, I ask again, where did you go.  Maybe that's not the best question.  Maybe the real question should be WHY did you go?  Why did you pull me out of one nightmare just to cast me into another.  Why did you promise change and commitment only to run away or pull away in fear?  

I don't ask these because I am angry.  I ask because I am hurt that those promises faded away and no true commitments came out of those.  Don't beat yourself up over the answers to this, just think about what you might have done a year later to keep these feelings of loss and despair from coming out three years later leading to another "nightmare" and do what you can to assure those same false promises and misleading commitments don't haunt someone else if ever you are faced with a similar situation again.

I love all who pulled me from the pit of death, but I often wonder why you did it.  Was it for me to live the repeated nightmares, or was it for you to clear your conscience and conquer your own fears.  Broken promises and misleading commitments are not pleasant reminders of my return to the living.  They are painful reminders of lost hope and future nightmares.

Fork In The Road

Fork In The Road

Is this the fork in the road

The one where you have to choose

Take the one less traveled on

Or chance the other and lose

Is this the star up in the sky

The one you wish upon

Make a wish and let things go

Or see things once they are gone

Is this the dream, you know the dream

The one that your heart makes

Dream your dream for all you hope

Or see how your soul breaks

Is this the wish you hope for

The one upon that star

Wish it now and give your all

Or see it shoot afar

Take the fork and follow that star

It's all there for you to do

Dream your dreams and wish your wish

For there's something somewhere for you