MY FOREVER LOVE

As long as the stars will shine

I know that you will always be mine

You were sent to me from above

You will be my Forever Love

As long as the rivers meet the sea

You will be the one for me

You were sent to me from above

You will be my Forever Love

As long as birds continue to fly

We'll be together, you and I

You were sent to me from above

You will be my Forever Love

As long as this world continues to turn

The flames of love will continue to burn

You were sent to me from above

You will be my Forever Love

As long as my heart continues to beat

It's because of you my life is complete

I will never stop this love that I feel

You have come and made it all real

As long as I have you by my side

This love will be an amazing ride

You were sent to me from above

You will be my Forever LOVE!

END OF A LOVE AFFAIR

Yes, you read that correctly.  It is time to close the foor on this chapter and bring this love affair to an end.  As much as I had hoped that it could be long term, I cannot continue the facade that everything is great.  It is time to say a warm and loving goodbye to this city I have called home for the past year and three months.  Yes, my love affair with Indy is over.  The long daily commute, the increasing crime, and horrid road construction areas have made it necessary for me to seek shelter in a safer and more loveing environment.

They say you can't go home, but they are wrong.  I am returning to Trafalgar and will be settling in back out on Spearsville Road for a while.  While I had hoped to stay in the city, I have finally accepted the truth that the best situation for myself and others involved is to leave and return to small town country living. 

I am a bit scared of making the move back "home".  Scared because I will be returning as the me who has become less than secretive and very open about my life.  Scared because I will be moving farther away from my children and the convenience of being able to get to them and their activities easily.  Frightened because moving back will also mean moving farther away from the love of my life and all that we have started to build.  I have known fear before, and I know I can overcome, but I will need help from my loving family and all my wonderfully supportive friends.

Along with the fear involved in relocating back "home", also comes the piece of mind that I will be back to being close to my parents, granny, and work.  I will be saving financially, and preparing myself for the next chapter and looking to see all that life has in store for me as one chapter ends and the new begins.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

As I sit here pondering this Independence Day weekend, I find it time to reflect on the past year. Most would do this on New Year’s, Thanksgiving, or their birthday, but this is more of an anniversary for me. Nearly one year ago I made the move to the city to set out on this grand journey of life. The journey of finding my true self has been one I am most happy with. It has had its rough patches, its ups and downs. It has been filled with the comings and, sometimes, goings of friends - new and old alike. As I sit to reflect on this year, I find myself laughing at times, crying at some, and even getting angry. It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I have lived here a year already, and then there are other times it seems like I have lived here a lifetime already.

Through this year I have made new friends, reacquainted with old friends, fallen in and out of love and back in again, and I have truly begun to find myself. It is the people in my life that bring me to write this account of independence. Not because of who they are necessarily, but because of who they have helped me to be. Many times through out this journaling experience I write about the people in my life. This is because without the people in my life, I would be nothing more than an empty shell, waiting for fulfillment. The blessings I have gained from the people in my life have more than filled my cup to overflowing. Good and bad times alike have all contributed to this journey and reflecting on them have made me realize even more today who I am, and what a blessing I have in this journey.

As I stated I have met new friends along this journey. Some of these friends are becoming lifelong additions, some just passing acquaintances, and some have already run their course in my life. The blessings these new friends bring to my life are many and varied. They give me hope to carry on, knowing that I will always be able to find someone in this city, in this life, to share this journey with. Looking back over this year of independence, I count the many friends whom I concise lifelong additions as valued treasures. Weather they came into my life at the beginning of this journey, or as recently as the past week, I know these additions are lifelong additions who will always share an important part of this journey. Sadly, I also count those who came in for what seemed to be a lifelong friendship, only to see them part and walk away from this journey for whatever reason.

Two very important friendships were “lost” during this time, and their absence is felt regularly. If you read back to early entries you will recognize these friends and their vital role in my journey. One who is missed an a regular basis was one of my biggest “protectors”, someone who I really thought would be a part of this journey for the long haul. His was a friendship that I counted on to pick me up when I needed some “straight” advice and a “mans” perspective on things. Amazing, though, how a misunderstanding of circumstance can cause a “friend” to tuck tail and run and not be heard from again. The loss of this friendship stings a bit on occasion, but I have learned from it and know that it happened for a reason. The other loss hits me like a ton of bricks when I think about how much this person meant to me (and honestly still does). I found my GBFF to be the one friend whom I could count on for everything. He was the one who made me smile when I was down. He always knew when I needed a lift, and his kind heart and endearing spirit were such a welcome to my life. I thought, of all my friends new and old, he would be the one friend I would always have. I guess I took advantage of the convenience of having him around and suddenly found that he was no longer here. He seemed to just vanish. No kidding, he walked out of my life, and if not for the precious memories I hold, the few photos, and the common friends it would seem as though he was never here. Except, he was here and he left a mark on my life and my heart that will not let his vanish entirely. I miss these friends more than others who have come and gone. These two are ones who I felt would never leave and I would always be able to count on and share with.

Then there are those who are here to stay. The truest of all true friends are those who love you unconditionally through thick and thin, no matter what flaws exist or arrive. These friends are spoken about often in this journal, and they are a huge part of this independence journey. These include my “BEST GIRL (DOLLFACE)”, my “Grace”, my “One and Only”, the “AFF”, the “BFF”, the TTBFF, my children, wonderful parents, grandmother, sister, and “MY GUY”. These are the ones who I know will never leave me. They are a part of this journey now and forever. These along with the other supportive friends and family are the ones who keep me grounded, and guide me to stay in touch with reality throughout all that comes my way. We may have our differences, but we each know that no matter what the disagreement we will always find a resolution and our relationships will not suffer for it. These friendships/relationships are the most treasured as they are priceless. They are irreplaceable and their termination is unfathomable. These are relationships that have and will always stand the test of time, and will never perish, as they are the kind of everlasting relationships that are truly gifts from GOD. GOD blessed me with three wonderfully supportive parents, a loving protective sister, amazing children, and the best support network of friends, and an amazing boyfriend who I know will never leave nor forsake me no matter what storms come through to tear at our bonds.

As I reflect on this journey of independence, I am reminded that each day is a new and promising journey all its own. I know there is so much more out there to take in and so many more who will come along and become a part of the journey. New friends and new relationships occur regularly here in my life. I just hope that I can provide as much to my friends and acquaintances as they do to me. My life is blessed by each person I come into contact with, and I consider myself rich if they stay for a while and join me. Even if their’s is just a small portion of time along with me, I value every second of it. Yes, there are those who I would rather I had never met or had never invited along on any portion of this journey, but that is part of the learning experience. We all have those who come along and make us feel comfortable and draw us into their world for a bit, only to realize they were only there for their own benefit and they were not honest and forthright in their intentions. As those people come in and, eventually, go out we may be angry with ourselves for allowing them in, but we learn from their actions and we become stronger as the journey moves forward. I have had an interesting year, to say the least, and I would not trade a minute of it for anything. I might not like what some people brought to the journey, but what they left behind was a stronger, more aware, more independent man.

I find that I am truly happier today, than I was a year ago, and I plan to be even happier tomorrow than I am today. All of this because of those who bless my life by being a part of the journey. I am happy to take this journey accompanied by the wonderful treasures that have been given to me to spend this time with. As I look forward to the next year of this journey, I look a head with cautious optimism. There are many plans I have for the coming days, months, and years. All of these plans hinge on the existence of the most amazing friendships and relationships one man can have. I have the best. Others may argue, but I know that I have the best, most supportive, most extensive network of family, friends, and supporters. I will put my list up against any, knowing that I am a winner on this journey of independence. Happy Independence Day everyone. Whether it is celebrating the US independence from Great Britain, or your own independence in life, celebrate and reflect on your journey.

BOYS AND BASEBALL

I sit and watch you play your game

Both so different, yet the same
You love your sport and the fun
I love to watch you play and run

I watch you work with all your might
You think about sport all day and night

You know your game and its ins and outs

You love to hear the fans cheers and shouts

I watch you make up for your size
I see the excitement in your eyes
When they come to watch your smiles beam

You don’t care if you lose at least your on the team

I stand and cheer when you do well

And cried along with each time you fell

You always get up and bounce right back

There’s where you make up for the size you lack

I watch you do everything so intently

I hope you realize how proud you make me

Your strength and love are very rare

You, my boys are quite a pair

You live your lives just like you play

You go head first into each new day

I watch you together in all that you do

My boys and your baseball how I love you

To Trent and Trey 6/26/2011

From Dad

MY CITY WINDOW

I sit here and look to the south. I see the towering skyline of my downtown. The city I have come to love as “home” and as the residence of my wonderful life. As I watch the traffic flow to the city and see the pedestrian traffic, I wonder how many of them have the same thoughts and questions as I. The view to the south is the best view from my city window, and it allows me the opportunity to peer into the city and suppose.

I suppose that each member of the family in the BMW passing by has their own questions about their daily lives. Is everything they are being told by the ones they love truthful? Are they going to survive the next two months financially? I am certain that the couple crossing the street questions weather or not it is true love that they feel, or just a flutter of nervousness about their new relationship. The young man on the bicycle is probably trying to decide if what he has done today was worth it, or if it was just another day’s time wasted for nothing.

Yes, as I sit her and look down the street from my fifth floor apartment I find myself asking these same questions about my loved ones, about my love life, and about the things I have done during the day. I am so happy in my life here in the city, but I struggle daily with the same questions as the people passing by. I wonder how much of what I hear during a typical day has been truth and how much of it has been falsified for my benefit. I have been lied to in my lifetime, and this makes trust difficult. I do not like to distrust anyone, but sometimes things just seem too good to be true. Sometimes I am hesitant to believe because I do not know for sure how to trust. I love my family and friends, but sometimes I question what I am being told because I feel like they are afraid the truth would be too much for me to handle. Well, I would rather deal with hard truths, than find out something has been a lie and I have had no way to prepare for the truth.
I wonder daily how I am going to survive financially now that I am once again living here alone with no “roomate income” to help pay the bills. I know I can make it, and I know I can find a way to survive until certain changes take place to make things more financially secure, but I still worry that this struggle will bring me to sacrifice myself and my new life just to stay afloat. I worry that I can not provide things for my loved ones the way I could if my finances were in a better place. But I am sure that those I see driving by are battling some of the same monetary demons as I.

As I sit here watching the couple crossing the street, I think about my own relationship and have to go down that road. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, but is it true love in the sense that this is the one? We talk about long term, we talk about the future, as all couples do in the beginnings of serious relationships, but then I sit alone looking out this window and I wonder if it is real. How do we know? When does it become clear? Yes, I look out this window and know that those other couples out there are having the same struggles within themselves, and that we all go through the times when we question everything about our relationship to determine if it has been real from the beginning, and if it will be till the end.
Then there is that ultimate question at the end of the day. As the young man on his bicycle returns home from his daily tasks, he wonders if it was worth it or just a waste of time that he will never get back. I have done a great deal of thinking on this subject lately . Is anything I do during the day worth doing, or is it just a waste of time that I will never get back. Without going into great detail, there are times lately that I have done things with others and wondered, what for. Why did I do that? Why was that necessary to my day? What is the benefit for me? Yes, that is selfish, but sometimes I do wonder what my benefit is from the things I do with or for others. In the end is it worth it? Is it worth spending the time and effort on these daily tasks, or are they simply a waste of time, time that I will never get back?

As I sit her and ponder life’s questions, looking out my city window, I know that I am better off today than I was yesterday, and I will be better yet tomorrow. I know that I am loved by family and friends, and any falseness from them is their way of trying to protect me and keep me safe. I know that these financial woes will turn around and things will look up and the struggle will become less soon, as an economic balance comes to my life. I know the love I have for my guy is the same as the love he has for me. I know that the plans we have for the future are going to come to fruition as we continue on our journey together. He is the love of my life and my ultimate source of support and encouragement. As for the time I devote to the daily tasks in my life, I know they are worth it. It may be time I am not going to get back, but it is time well spent and worth every minute.


I am happy in my life, and I continue to realize more about my self daily. I know more about who I am each day, and I find that knowing myself makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. I challenge each of you to find your “city window”, ponder your life’s questions, and find yourself. You may not find all the answers, but you will find out more about yourself as you search your inner self. I assure you that finding yourself is worth all the effort you put into it, because it is not until you know yourself that others can truly know you as well.

OUR LOVE

Our Love is that which knows no end

The kind you share with your best friend

The kind of love that stands all time

That's the love that's yours and mine

Our Love is that which others envy

The kind they know true love can be

The kind of love that lasts forever

That's the love that will end never

Our Love is that which was sent by fate

The kind that those who can't have, hate

The kind of love that knows no bounds

That's our love from the heavens to the grounds

Our Love is that which soulmates share

The kind that grows with loving care

The kind of love that is forever true

That's the love between me and you.

Our Love is that which knows no end

The kind you share with your best friend

The kind of love that stands all time

That's the love that's yours and mine

Written by PDA for RAC

I LOVE YOU BABY!

GO-TO FRIEND

So, I supposed I should look at it as a form of flattery, but lately it has been more like “being used”.  I have gotten myself so wrapped up in what everyone else wants and needs, that I have begun to neglect my own needs.  I have become a non-confrontational person lately, and that is not I.  I have started to shy away from saying what I think and letting people know what I feel, and just doing what they ask.  I have stopped saying “NO”, and started allowing myself to be walked all over.

Well, I am tired of it!  I have finally reached the breaking point.  It took the actions of one “friend” to push me there.  However, it is the works of many that have built up to this moment in time.  I will not name names, nor will I list specific events, but I do have a couple of things to say.  I do not write this to upset anyone or make you angry, but I have to get some things off my chest without having a verbal, face-to-face confrontation.  Some of this has been going on for years now and some more recently.  The build-up has reached an intolerable and unbearable level, and I will not take it any longer.

First, I am no longer going to be anyone’s,  “Go-To Friend”.  You know the one friend who you can ignore, blow off, turn away from when he needs help or company, the one who you tell “no” or say, “I’m too busy” to when he asks.  Well, I have been there for my friends because I do not like to ignore text messages nor do I like to be ignored.  I do not like to say no when someone is bored and wants company.  However, lately I am finding that even though I make myself readily available when needed, I cannot seem to find the return favor when I am in need.  I sit alone many times after sending endless texts longing for interaction only to find myself ignored.  I know that people lead busy lives, so why is it that I can find time to make myself available on a moment’s notice and others cannot?  I work all day, I coach, and I have a life other than yours!

Secondly, I am tired of not having a voice.  I know, you are all saying, “what? You express yourself all the time!”  Well that is true, but I do it through writing because I cannot seem to find anyone who will actually listen when I want need to speak.  I find that I can be a part of conversation as long as I do not expect to actually speak.  Many times, I try to start a conversation only to have it taken away and then find that I never did get to say what I had to say. 

Now, those things said, I want to make it clear that this in no way expresses my feeling toward all of my “friends”.  My “true” friends know me well enough to know if this addresses them at all.  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it will either not read it, or they will not recognize themselves in it.  So, be prepared, I will no longer be treated as the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  I will not be walked all over.  I will not be treated as the “go-to friend” anymore.  Yes, I will still be here for my friends when they “NEED” me, but I will NOT be “USED” without expecting something in return.  That may be wrong to say, but I am truly physically tired and emotionally drained by those whose only purpose in my life lately is for me to be there for them when they do not intend to be here for me.

I love my life, I love my friends, but lately I want a couple of “Go-To Friends” of my own.  Is that too much to ask?

**UPDATE 

I am struggling to find those go to friends.  I guess I should clarify.  I have "go-to-friends" if I want to go 40-50 miles away to go to them.  I just need that one friend who lives nearby and is here for me like I would be for them.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who is here for me as much as he can be, but sometimes I need someone else to talk to.  Someone who I can run to when I need to get away from things here, like the stalker that won't get the hint and go away.  Some days I feel like a prisoner in my apartment because I get afraid to go out and be followed and I have noone up here to run to when I feel trapped. 

I still have those who come to me when they need me, yet are hard to find when I am in need.  Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends, and I am glad I can be here for them when they need me, I just wish when the tables were turned i coulld find them there for me.

I AM GOING TO HELL??

In recent days I have been reminded that, while I have the most amazingly supportive and understanding family and friends, I do have those family members and friends who are far less supportive and understanding of MY life.  I knew when I “came out” there would be those who would shun me, turn their backs on our past, criticize my true being, ridicule me, and judge me for who I am.  As I stated in earlier postings, I was amazed that this was not entirely the case.  I found that I had for more support than I could imagine.  I consider myself to be an intelligent person, and I have been waiting on the day that “the other shoe would fall”, so to speak, and it appears that it is on the way down.  Two recent events have awakened me from my “fantasy” belief that MY LIFE is grand. 

I recently felt the pangs of  harsh reality when I felt some of my closest “supporters” turning their back on me.  I guess what makes this pain more heart wrenching is that it came unexpectedly and from one person I never thought would cut me so deeply.  I would never have expected this person to pack up and run away from me in the way they did.  To do this all because of who I am and what my life is during a time of greatest joy for me, was the bite that stung so badly.  To know that this person chose the closed minded bigoted way out makes the wound less likely to heal.  I trusted this person with my life, have always had their back (as I thought they had mine), and now I mourn the loss of one I am not sure I can ever get back.  It may not have been entirely their choice to leave, but that I was so quickly and harshly discarded because they were unwilling to stand up for me makes it seem less likely that our lives will ever be as close as they once were.  There was a strong bond in our relationship that has been severely severed, and there are no immediate signs of its repair.  I try to understand why this person would tuck tail and run, as they have never been that type of person, but I cannot find good reason for the destruction of such a bond.  I ache for the rebuilding of this relationship, so I hope it is true that “time heals all wounds”.  I miss you and the way you have always been there for me.  I hope one day we can get back even a small part of what we had for so long.

The most recent event came through some criticisms on one of our most widely used social networks.  After copying and posting a status from a friend regarding the government’s attempts to control “marriage” and the lack of equal rights that still exists, I became the “pariah” condemned to HELL for being ME.  Let me assure you, I do NOT believe that I am going to hell for being a homosexual man.  Just because I am in love with another man does not give enough grounds for these “true believers” to cast their on judgments on me.  The post I copied and pasted was as follows:

“So, let's get this straight: Charlie Sheen can make a "Porn Family", Kelsey Grammer can end a 15-year marriage over the phone, Larry King can be on his 9th divorce, Britney Spears can have a 55-hour marriage, and Jesse James & Tiger Woods, while married, can have sex with EVERYONE, yet, the idea of same-sex marriage is going to destroy the institution of marriage? Really? Re-post this if you support Equal Rights.”

The onslaught of attacks and judgments was unexpected.  I know, I should have expected these to come from such a post, but not in the way they did.  A long lost “friend” decided to take this posted status, and use it as an opportunity to inject their own judgmental attitude in a way that sparked a firestorm of activity.  This firestorm did not limit itself to just comments on the originally posted status, but it spread across the network in other reposts, and in some other judgmental statuses.  I did not intend for the post to become a religious debate.  I posted it because I am a homosexual man who believes in equal rights for ALL.  Our forefathers set out to establish a land where all people are treated equally, without discrimination, without undue judgment, and without prejudice.  Our very own Declaration of Independence states

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

I have my LIFE, I feel my LIBERTY, and I am enjoying MY HAPPINESS! I however do not feel the meaning of “created equal”. To those who continue to stand in judgment I have a list of questions for you.  I take these from a letter off the internet and repost them here with full credit to the author.  I feel it is necessary to look at full context of life, not just full context of the bible that we ALL believe in, but the full context of the time period, the evolving of life, and the TRUE meaning of GOD’s plan.  The GOD I believe in, worship, confess my love for, and receive my salvation from, is not a GOD who condemns people to HELL for who they LOVE.  If this were the case, and every thing in the bible were interpreted truly out of context today, some of these questions would be answered by condemning large numbers of the masses right along side me and my husband.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger which was posted on the internet... by J. Kent Ashcraft in May 2000

“Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.”

I am amazed at how the professed believers like to twist the WORD OF GOD to suit their own life and beliefs to stand in judgment of others, but they do not dare translate THE WORD to judge themselves. If they did, as indicated above from Leviticus and Exodus, they would know that they too will be headed to Hell.  Next thing you know there will be a campaign to discount Leviticus and Exodus to better suit their claims of judgment of others.  I, myself, truly believe that the GOD I serve is an awesome and understanding GOD who has evolved right along with mankind as he is the one who created and will be the one to bring us ALL home on that final day.

MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL, friend and foe alike.  I can not wait for the day when I stand before the father and proclaim that which I know to be true today, that he is the reason I am who I am and I have loved him from the beginning of my life to the end. 

I leave you with this:

Mark 12:28-34 (NIV)

²⁸ One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" ²⁹ "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' ³¹ The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." ³² "Well said, teacher," the man replied. "You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. ³³ To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." ³⁴ When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, "You are not far from the kingdom of God." And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.

THE ONE

So, most of you have read about how My Guy and I met.  As I look back on that moment, and the many moments we have had since that day, I come to the thought that he is THE ONE!  Yes, there are those who say it has happened to fast, or the age difference is too much.

To all the "Nay" sayers, I politely disregard your scoffs at the suddeness of the relationship, I laugh at those who suggest that the age difference is too great.  Love does not discriminate based on race or sex, and it does not discriminate based on the speed of a realtionship or on the age difference between partners.  We did not set out to find one another the night we met, nor did we seek to jump into am immediate relationship.  These things happened, and for whatever reason they happened to us.

How do you know when you have met 'THE ONE"?  That question remains without definite answer, but I can tell you that this is like nothing I have ever felt before.  The time we spend together is filled with love and happiness.  We laugh together, we cry together, and we make decisions together.  We have discussed the future, and what we envision it holding for us. 

After much discussion and many long conversations, came the night of "THE RING".  We were sitting waiting on dinner one evening recently, when the moment arrived.  He took my hand, placed something into the palm and closed my fist around it.  Upon opening my fist, I found an amazing ring that he then placed on my finger.  Tears of joy and beaming smiles followed, and the happiness continues.

Yes, I have found "THE ONE", or he has found me.  It does not matter how you say it, what the reason for our meeting, or what the "nay" sayers believe.  This is real, and the happiness cannot be stifled.  I am happy, he is happy, and WE are committed!

Sitting Here Alone

Sitting here alone again

I start to wonder why

Why I let these thoughts begin

And let them make me cry

Sitting here I look outside

And start to think about

The things I feel inside
That make me want to shout

Sitting her I feel alone

And I know I’m really not

The love he has is shown
And it’s my heart he’s got

Sitting here the tears come down

As I wish he were with me

I know he too wears a frown

For its here he wants to be

Sitting here I here the phone

And my heart skips a beat

Maybe I am not alone

As his eyes and my eyes meet

Sitting here with just my mind

It shakes me to the core

As looking out I try to find

A way to love him more

Sitting here it’s only me

Yet I’m not alone

I know he is here with me

Because his love is shown.

BELIEVE THE UNBELIEVABLE – DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE – ACCEPT CHALLENGES – LIVE THE LIFE OF LOVE

Sometimes life takes us on some unexpected twists and turns.  My life is no exception to this.  I must admit I have been on an interesting ride lately, and I love every minute of it.  I have learned through this past year to believe the unbelievable, to dream the impossible, to accept challenges, and to live the life of love.

In order to get to a point where you believe the unbelievable, you must open your mind to things you may never have imagined possible.  I had been dating for a while and meeting some great people in my new life.  I was not looking for anything “exclusive” or “long term” because I did not believe that was a possibility for me at this point in my life.  I then met someone who opened my mind to believe that it is possible to find someone to become a big part of life and to take away the desire to continue dating around.  He had become a great friend and, though he was not “the one”, it was through his friendship and support that I have begun to believe the unbelievable.

As I began to believe the unbelievable, I started to dream the impossible.  I started dreaming of a time when I would find someone to begin an exclusive and committed relationship that might develop into something long term.  As this dream progressed, I continued to look to “date around” and then it happened.  In looking to date, I found him.  He appeared to come from nowhere and suddenly was in my life.  We became inseparable almost immediately, and exclusive from the start.  We may not know or even understand how it happened, or even why, but that that seems impossible has proven possible and the dream lives on as we continue to count the time together daily.

Daily, I have come to accept the challenges that life throws at me during this time of adjustment in my life.  These include challenges in friendships, maintaining relationships, overcoming stereotypes, dealing with perceptions and misconceptions, and adjusting to the differences between people.  I find that there are friends out there who are so supportive that they smile when I smile, laugh when I laugh, and cry when I cry.  There are friends who want nothing but the best, and are happy when they see me happy in my decisions and beliefs.  I also find there are those who claim to be friends who only smile when they have received some “reward” from the relationship.  Those relationships are the hardest to maintain, because they are the ones you want out of your life so they no longer hold you back.  As I work to build friendships and maintain relationships, I find I must overcome the stereotypes attributed to being a forty-year-old gay man.  This makes these friendships and relationships difficult in itself, not to mention when you add the perceptions, misconceptions, and differences to the mix.  People are not always accepting of older people being friends with younger people, and when that transfers into the gay society, it becomes even more difficult.  I have many “younger” friends, both gay and straight, and it is sometimes difficult to stomach the way society treats these relationships. 

In looking over these aspects of my life, and the relationships I am developing, the one thing that holds all else together it that I have chosen to live the life of love. I love my friends and everything about them.  Even if I do not agree with something a friend may say or do, I still love them because they are a part of my life and I love everyone whom I am lucky enough to call friend.  Living the life of love also brings me to my current relationship status.  In the era of online “social networks”, we are all aware of the status of friends.  I am no different.  I post my status daily, and have recently been able to change my relationship status to say that I am in a relationship.  The catch there, is that I do not name my “boyfriend” or even make the connection to him on the network.  This is because there are some things in life that must remain private for one reason or another.  He knows who he is, he knows how much I care about him, and I know the same in return.  One reason for such privacy is the difference in our ages, and the unwillingness of society to embrace our relationship.  Another reason is that, no matter how open I am about my life, living the life of love requires respect for ones partner and their privacy.  Someday, you will be fortunate enough to meet the man of my dreams, as I have been.  When you do, I hope you will be able to look at my smile and know the happiness is real because I have chosen to believe the unbelievable, dream the impossible, accept challenges, and live the life of love. 

**Baby I love you with all my heart today and every day.  I know you know this, and I know how much you love me.  I want to shout it from the highest mountains and hear it echo in the lowest valleys.  You have brought so much joy to my life already, and I look forward to all that lies ahead.

LOVING YOU MAKES ME SMILE

People will ask and most not understand

This feeling I have when holding your hand

They will look, but they won’t see

What it is you do to me

You hold my hand and look in my eyes

Your amazing love came to me by surprise

This feeling is one I have never had

You came to my life and made me glad

People will try and figure it out

Just what is this love all about

They will listen but they won’t hear

What it is that makes you so dear

You kiss my lips and hold me tight

Your loving voice puts my mind right

This Love is one I have never seen

I can’t put in words just what you mean

People will come along and stare

This feeling is one that is very rare

They will speak, but never say

What it is that makes my day

You look at me and give a grin

Your perfect heart has let me in

This love is one nothing can sever

I plan to be yours for now and forever

People will look and never see

Just how you came to be with me

You have gone the extra mile

And LOVING you MAKES ME SMILE!

UNBELIEVABLE SURPRISE

I have always heard “it will happen when you least expect it”, “expect the unexpected”, and I have never given much credit to either saying. It just seems so cliché to think that something that you have been looking for, wanting, searching for, hoping to find, will just come along when you are not expecting it. Well, I am going to say now that I should have believed in this statement.

I have been “dating” for a while now, and have even gone the way of the “online dating” scene. Recently I decided to shut down my profile on the “dating sites” and take a break from the “scene”. Out of the blue when I logged on to one site to delete my profile I had a message. After much self debate, I decided to open it and read it. I am now glad I did.

After hours of chatting on the site, then via one of the many instant messaging services, we exchanged numbers. We then texted for a couple of hours before the first phone call. When I heard the deep and loving voice on the other end my heart melted. We made plans to talk and text for a few days before we would get to a point of meeting. Those plans changed when he suggested one evening that he was bored and thought he should come meet me and hang out. So, we agreed on a time and we met.
　
Another cliché statement is saying it was “love at first site”. This may not have been exactly true, but it wasn’t much after that first site that it was obvious that this was going to be something special. We proceeded to see each other each evening after and just sit and talk and watch TV, getting to know about one another. Asking questions, discussing one another’s likes and dislikes, and finding out one another’s favorite things made things seem so real.

Then we got to the big moment, during conversation he asked me if I would “go out with him”, if I would be his “boyfriend”. I felt like I was back in Junior High, and it was a GREAT feeling. Of course I said YES and we have continued to get to know one another. The next big moment was that moment when looking into one another’s eyes we both said the words “I LOVE YOU”!

I was not expecting it, nor was I looking for it. I had decided to take a “break” from the dating scene and just devote some time to myself, my family, my work, my coaching, my writing, and my friends. I was not looking for a new friend, especially not a boyfriend. However, thanks to a chance moment and perfect timing something that I least expected happened while I was not looking. I guess I should have paid heed to the sayings and been expecting the unexpected.

I am glad to have now met this very special guy, and to have him in my life now. He is amazing and we marvel every second at how random and unexpected our meeting was, and at how quickly we have become so close. I know many will scoff and criticize, it has already started. I just want everyone to know that I am HAPPIER than EVER. I appreciate the protective nature of my friends and family, and I appreciate the advice to proceed with caution. I am a big boy, and I am very cautious. I have been so afraid to let love happen, that when it did I was so surprised.

This may not be forever, but I am not sure what forever means anymore. I know that it feels right, and that I love him, and he loves me in the here and now. We will take things according to another cliché statement and proceed with caution “one day at a time”. As he joins me on this journey, I welcome the partnership. I welcome the love that he offers to me unconditionally. I thank GOD for bringing us together at a moment when I was ready to give up. From now on in life I will learn to listen to the little cliché sayings. I will “expect the unexpected” because it is going to happen “when I least expect it” as “love at first site” leads us to take things “one day at a time”.

OUT OF THE BLUE

It is in the random moments in life
Be they joyful or full of strife
I sit and think of times gone by
And too often start to wonder why

Then when thoughts have shifted away
And I think of the coming new day
It’s like a signal went straight to you
When I am hit by something out of the blue

Out of the blue you send a little note
There’s nothing special in what you wrote
It was a simple message just to tell me "hi"
But it was enough to make me start to cry

Out of the blue I see something in the cloud
Something that makes me want to shout out loud
I want to shout out something just to let you know
How much your little note helps my heartache go

Out of the blue you’re gone just as fast
As that day you left me in the past
I wonder if I will ever hear again from you
I think of just what I would say just in case I do

I want to tell you of the way you made me feel that day
When I thought you and your friendship were coming back to stay
But I now I know deep down that it just isn’t true
You only intended to say "hi", maybe by mistake, and Out of the Blue.
　
　

BREATHING

"Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away."　
Heard this George Straight song recently and it reminded me that sometimes we concentrate too much on breathing that we forget to enjoy the moments. I am having a great time lately with my life. I have had my breath taken away many times lately, and it feels so wonderful. Every minute of this new life is breath taking, but I know that even though those breath taking moments feel so wonderful I still need to take time and breathe.

It is in taking the breath after each breath taking event that I find my true self. Sometimes the breath taking events are events that I wish would never end, and other times they are simply reminders of good times long past. After each breath taking event, I find myself reflecting and wondering if things can really be that great for me. I have a tendency to over analyze, and underestimate. I do not expect good things to happen to me and when they do, I wonder how I am so lucky.

I have tried to compile a list of some of my most “breath taking” moments and how they are still a part of my life, or how they are merely memories. In my attempts to put this list together I found too many to list them all. I will post the following as highlights of the most “breath taking” and plan to come back and add to the list as others come to mind or new moments occur. The events are in no particular order, other than the order they come to mind, except the first one, it is pretty obvious.

•  The most breath taking moment of my life was the birth of my precious babies! That moment still brings me to my knees in joyful prayers of thanksgiving. They are definitely the lights of my life, and the main reason I live and breathe.
• My breath is taken anytime I am in the same room as my wonderful grandmother. She has been a true inspiration to me through the years, and is always one of my biggest supporters.
• My mother takes my breath daily with the love and concern she has for me. She is truly my best friend and my most adoring fan.
• Recently, my father spoke to me in a way that let me know he does love me and he accepts me for me. There were doubts until he spoke recently and I knew my Dad was “back”.
• My friends are a large part of my breath taking moments. Too many to list, but sometimes the recovery from their moments takes days. There are a few friends who must be highlighted here, as they are throughout these writings, because they are the ones who have gotten me through so much and continue to support and encourage daily. Without mentioning names I will just leave it to you to know who you are.
• Mom2 takes my breath away by being ever present. Her unconditional love and unwavering support push me to remember that I am loved no matter who I am or who I love!
• Recently had my breath taken away by the arrival of a new friend in my life. Amazing how things happen when least expected. It has been a fun journey so far, and I look forward to each new day with him.
• The return of friends I thought were lost forever has been another moment to take my breath away. I had written some of them off for one reason or another, but they have returned and the friendships have picked back up where they left off, some even stronger and more enjoyable.
• Random text messages take my breath away, especially when they come from someone who I haven’t heard from in months. They probably texted by mistake but it still meant something, just knowing they still exist.
• GOD takes my breath away at all that he provides daily. I am so thankful each and every day for the life, love, and experiences I have. I look forward to each new day with faith and hope for unending glory.

As these breath taking moments occur, I know just how blessed I am. I will continue to enjoy my life’s journey, knowing that each day brings renewed promise for more moments that will take my breath way, and I will remind myself as the song says. . .

“But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out

That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about

You just might miss the point trying to win the race

Life's not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away”

 

　
　

RESOLUTIONS FOR MY NEW LIFE

This year I will not make resolutions for the new year, instead the following are my Resolutions for a New Life. So many of us make the annual resolution, only to find ourselves breaking it very early on in the year, and having no success to look forward to by the end of the year. If we focus on those unsuccessful resolutions we end up frustrated and angry at ourselves, or at least disappointed. For this reason, I have decided to make a few resolutions that I will aim toward not only this coming year , but throughout the rest of my life.

1 - I resolve that I will no longer be the “sidewalk friend”. I will not be the friend that others can walk all over and disregard when they have no use for me. I will not be the one who is always there for others, only to have them forget I exist when I am in need. Those who have gotten used to treating me this way, you will notice the change, because it will be obvious.

2 - I resolve that I will no longer be the friend of “convenience”. I will not be the one who is only asked to do things when it is convenient for others to have me around. I will not be the one who is always available at the last possible minute when all other options have been exhausted, and I am all that remains. Most of those who fit into this category, have already been eliminated from my life, and others who make me feel this way will be turned away immediately.

3 - I resolve to do more for me for a change than for others. This may sound selfish, but I have always been the kind of person who does for others without asking for anything. I have always been the friend who is there, the acquaintance you can count on for support, and the person who blindly gives change to the beggar on the street. This ends now. I will make my own way, and will not ask for your help. If you don’t know when help is needed without being asked, you are not much of a friend. I will still be here for those who need me, but I will not sacrifice myself and my life for you anymore.

4 - I resolve to continue this wonderful journey I am on with or without the support of family and friends. I am who I am, and I will not change for anyone again. I admit the majority of my family and REAL Friends have been nothing but supportive and encouraging as this journey began, but there are those who privately scoff and even those who publicly condemn. I do not care your thoughts anymore. I KNOW who I am, I am happy and proud of who I am, and I am ready to live MY LIFE as ME.

5 - Lastly, and most importantly, I resolve to be the best father I can be. Everything else in this world means nothing, compared to my children. They are my life, and I will do everything in my power to see that they have the best life they can have. I may not be rich or famous. I may not live in a fancy house or drive a fancy car. I may be gay, but I am a father. I am going to make sure that I am the best father I can be to my children, and they will know that they are loved daily!!

I have not made resolutions for a new year, I have made RESOLUTIONS FOR MY NEW LIFE!