My Life’s Inspiration

So many times in the past few weeks, I have received messages from those calling me an inspiration.  I don’t fully understand those comments, and I am humbled by them daily.  I did not set out on my journey to be an inspiration to anyone.  I simply have set out to find myself and begin to live MY LIFE the way I was intended.  Webster defines inspiration as “an inspiring influence; any stimulus to creative thought or action”.  I have been inspired by many in my life, and would never consider myself an inspiration to anyone. 

Early on in life I was inspired by my paternal grandfather to become an educator.  Following that dream I have been teaching for 18 years and am fulfilled as I watch young people learn daily.  My grandfather’s influence was a pure example of the definition of inspiration.  His reputation as an educator along with his compassion as a Southern Baptist Minister gave roots to my lifelong dreams.  I have always wanted to be a teacher and have never wavered in any other direction.  Staying the course, I have been in the classroom for 18 years and plan to be for many more.  His compassion for the human spirit inspired me to be the best person I can.  I try to be kind, caring, and compassionate toward every person.  As has been evidenced in earlier writings, this is not always easy.  But I believe in loving the person, despising the action, and praying for those who need guidance.  These are true lessons of inspiration learned from my grandfather.  Although he has been gone for many years his life serves as the base of my life’s inspiration.

Another early inspiration has been my maternal grandmother.  This woman is a true inspiration to anyone who is fortunate enough to sit in her presence.  She has a broad base of knowledge and experience spanning all of her ninety-one years.  She has raised seven children of her own, along with assisting in the rearing of countless others.  She has been a role model of strength and conviction to her family and friends for years.  She is one of the most positive and unwavering confidents ever met.  She has an ear that discerns pain in one’s voice, and a genuine knack for getting the root of any issue.  Her heart of gold breaks for those who suffer and cheers in times of triumph.  She can be someone’s biggest fan, or their true voice of reason when necessary.  Her desire to see the best in people has always driven me to look for the good in a person and pray for those who seem set in the negative.  These are more lessons that have formed the base of my life’s inspiration.

My parents serve as yet another area of inspiration.  They have had their ups and downs in life, but have always risen above.  They raised two children to be the best they can.  We did not grow up with money, but we rarely wanted for much.  They always went above and beyond the call of duty to see that we had what we needed and were well taken care of.  To this day they still put family first and do for their children and grandchildren to see that everyone is  well taken care of and happy.  Their continual drive to push for each of us to be successful in our endeavors has been a true inspiration.  They only want the best for everyone, and that has pushed us to want the best for ourselves.  This is yet another area forming the base of my life’s inspiration.

I am inspired daily by those around me.  To see my friends and acquaintances pushing themselves to achieve their life’s ambitions inspires me to continue on my path to be the best I can be.  Watching those who continue on in spite of their daily struggles pushes me to fully be myself.  In spite of the negative comments and the daily struggles thrown at me, I look to my inspirations and pull myself out of the downward spiral and climb back to my path.  To have someone call me an inspiration has never been a goal, or a desire of mine.  However, if someone finds inspiration from my life and my attitude for being ME, then I must give the credit to those who inspired me to be ME.  Without the base of my life’s inspiration I would not be who I am and would not be able to make the daily journey I am on to be the BEST ME I can be.  I can never thank those who have inspired me enough, but I can try by being ME and making them proud.

Nighttime In The City Alone

Well, as night falls again, I sit here alone and ponder if this is the right place for me.  I have never been alone like this, and I don’t like the feeling of loneliness.  Now, I know I am never truly “alone” in this world, but nights like this really feel lonely to me.  I come home to my small studio apartment in the city, fix myself something to eat, settle down to TV or radio, and begin to think and write.  The thinking is, of course, the part of the evening that causes me problems. 

As I sit alone and think, I begin to think about the “what ifs”.  What if I had stayed in Trafalgar, what would my life be like now.  What if I had taken a job somewhere else, how would things be different? What if there were no mean people in my life, how peaceful would things be?  What if I found HIM and settled down, how would my life be different?  Then I start to think about the realities of my life.  I did not stay in Trafalgar, and my life has begun to flourish as I finally live as the REAL ME.  I kept my job “down home”, and I am happy to work among some of the most kind, caring, and supportive colleagues around.  There are “mean” people in my life and they only have cause me to grow stronger in my beliefs, and in my love for my true self.  I have not found him, yet, or have I?  This question I ponder each time I sit alone.  I have met many wonderful men who have potential, but none of them have proven to be THE ONE, yet.  I say “yet” because I know HE is out there, and I believe he is very close to being revealed to me.  I may be wrong, but I am sure he will come into my life when the time is right, so I have stopped searching for THE ONE.  I have decided he will come to me when he is ready and the time is right.  I know my life is different for all the “What ifs” that have not taken place, and will be different when some of them become realities of my life.

As the thunder and lightning continue, I remember why I hate being alone.  I hate being alone because of the tears of loneliness that flow down my cheeks when I realize I am here alone and no one is coming to visit.  That is the hardest part of living in the city, the knowledge that when I do arrive at the apartment alone there will be no one coming to visit.  I sit and text and chat online, but neither of those completely fills the void.  There is a void that exists when I feel lonely and I am still trying to figure out the best way to fill the void, and overcome the feelings of loneliness.  Most nights I can accomplish this feat, and enjoy the alone time without feeling lonely.  Storms bring out the worst of the lonely feelings, because they seem to taunt me with their bright lights and loud claps.  As I try to sleep, these loud claps of thunder and flashes of lightning remind me that I am “alone”, and the feelings of loneliness creep back in. 

I will overcome all of these feelings of loneliness and despair, and will continue to work to spread peace and harmony to all of my friends, in hopes that the circumstances of my life will call to someone and give them hope in knowing that WE will survive.  There are many out there who are struggling daily with so much more than any of us might ever imagine.  I know how much they hurt, and I hope that by sharing my experiences they will realize that even when times get rough, there is always a corner up the road to take them in another more positive direction.

So as I sit ALONE in the city at night, I know I am not alone, I am only experiencing feelings of loneliness because I am still not used to not having someone right with me to keep the loneliness out.  There are great friends who visit, but they have their own lives to tend to, and cannot come visit me every time I am “alone”.  So, I adjust to being alone by using time to read and write, and to make connections to those who will become lifelong friends.  Nighttime in the city alone has been interesting and as I prepare for the next step, I am certain it is going to become more and more interesting each and every day. 

HATE’S FLAMES DOUSED BY LOVE’S TEARS

(This poem was written by Philip D. Arnold on Sunday, November 21, 2010)

I sit here during a time of peace and the tears roll down my face. 

Not tears of sadness or of pain, but simple tears of GOD’s amazing grace. 

You see, the devil has once again reared her ugly head,

Spewing forth hate filled words not caring she said. 

Hates horrid flames are rising so high

The only thing to do, it seems is just to cry

But these tears are not of sadness rolling down my face

Simply put these are the loving  tears of GOD’s amazing grace.

I sit and ponder with the tears’ downward flow

But for the love of true friends I’m proud to know

They stand beside me through thick and thin

And help fight this hate time and again

The love of true friends is great to see

And they help to extinguish hate’s flames for me

Through the Love of family, GOD, and Friends

Hate’s flames of destruction come to their ends.

PDA 11-21-2010

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends who show me their undying love DAILY.  Through this firestorm of hate that is being spewed forth from one terribly sad person, the love they show me helps to extinguish the flames of hate.  Hate is so hurtful and damaging.  It is violent and causes grave despair around the world.  The Devil loves to see this.  The devil enjoys sitting back and watching us destroy one another through such horribly hate filled actions.  Hate cuts to the heart and soul of a person and leads to damage that is hard to repair.  LOVE is the one “band aid” I have found to heal the wounds caused by hate and its burning sting.  The tears I cry are tears of happiness, tears of LOVE that extinguish these flames of hate that are spewed forth in my direction.  Thank you to all who continue to support and encourage me.  I was going to include some recent comments from facebook posts.  Some were instigated by the “devil”, and others blessed by GOD and delivered through true friends. I will add them later or you can check them out on FB for yourself.

Why Bother?

Lately I have been hit with many realizations about friendships, and the development and maintenance of those friendships.  As you all know by now my life has been on an interesting new course.  I have so many wonderful friends in my life.  There are those wonderful friends who have been a part of my life for many years and those who have been in my life for only days as I type this.  I value of my friendships greatly and treasure each friend more than silver or gold.  That is why it is so difficult to control my emotions when a friendship ends, or when a “friend” cuts deep through hurtful actions.  Sometimes I am quick to react (My BFF reminds me of this regularly) to pains caused by friends, and my immediate reaction is to cut them from my life.  I then mope around for days “mourning” the “loss”.  The loss of friendship is something that causes me great heartache because I blame myself for each ending.  I seem to be a master at cultivating and growing new friendships in my new life, but maintaining those friendships seems to be a bit more challenging. 

Occasionally I go through the phase when I wonder “Why bother” building and maintaining friendships.  I go through times when I go over my facebook friend list and “purge”.  I do this because there are times when certain people, who are mere acquaintances need not know all about me and my life, or they begin to use my posts as fodder for their gossip mills.  These people are easy to cut loose.  However; there are occasions when I “cut” a true friend because of some hurtful circumstance that has caused a wound to fester, and my gut reaction is to just leave them behind and move on instead of trying to save the relationship.  I have done this a lot lately.  In doing so, I have created more of a wound than was originally there and have lost those friends forever. 

I have been fortunate lately in salvaging some important friendships, resurrecting meaningful relationships, and healing the hurt that existed.  I am learning to slow down and react less harshly, but it is taking time for me to do this in every situation.  It is difficult for me to admit I have overreacted to a situation, or to determine the best course of action when attempting to resolve issues. 

There are those in my life whom I do not yet understand their purpose, and there are others whose purposes seem clear but ever changing.  As these friendships grow and change, so do the ways in which I react to hurtful actions, harsh words, and painful misunderstandings.  I am hopeful that I can act less quickly.  Instead I hope to take each situation and let it sit for a period of time before coming back and addressing it.  This way then, maybe, I will be able to hold onto my dearest friends more closely, salvage the lost friendships more readily, and maintain the new friendships with genuine care.

So to answer the question . . . “Why bother?”  I bother because I love my friends, new and old, for all that they bring to my life.  I mourn when one leaves me, and I celebrate when they return. I bother because without the bonds of friendship life is not as wonderfully enriching.  Without friendship we are hollow shells of human flesh just starving for all that friends can add to our lives.

Friendships are true blessings and “True Friends are the greatest of all blessings”!

LOVES

RANDOM LAUGHTER

Cannot even explain the feeling that this laughter is bringing me.  Sitting with family, talking about random topics, laughing at one another and the total randomness of the night.  From the 2 hour drive with granny, to listening to sister reading status updates from "Status Shuffle", these are the things that make me slow down and think about the good times in life.  My life is so blessed and full of great moments, memories, family, and friends. 

Although this week has been one filled with harsh words, vile comments, and outright hate; taking this moment to just relax and enjoy.  I am so fortunate to have such an understanding family.  We can sit and laugh at ANYTHING, ANYONE, about ANY TOPIC, for long periods of time.  This proves that "laughter IS the BEST medicine".  Actually it is pretty good medicine, but spending time with those who love you unconditionally is better medicine.  Knowing that you can be free to be yourself and not have to stifle your comments or actions, makes these times so valuable. 

Valuable times with the most valuable people in my life are the best times and best medicine to cure the heartache caused by a week full of hate and vile attacks.  I am fortunate and blessed to be surrounded by the family and friends that I am on a daily basis.  My wish for everyone one is the same.  I wish everyone could experience the joy and uplifting love that I have this week.  When I was down and feeling like nothing could make me smile, my FRIENDS and FAMILY came through to push me out of my slump and make me smile and laugh. 

I wish you all joy, happiness, and good people to pull you through when life has you down.

LOVES

Where Did They Come From? How Long Will They Stay?

Many people come into our lives.  Some come in and stay for only a little while, while others come and stay forever.  As I think about those who have come in and out of my life, I think to myself . . . “Where did they come from?”  Some are obvious while others take a great deal more thought, and others bring about the question “Why?”  Why did they come into my life, and what is our purpose for sharing time with one another.

These are just some of my Random thoughts about people who have come into and , in some cases, gone from my  life.  I attach no names and few identifying labels, so people may or may not be able to determine what is written about them.  Unlike other posts, where my mention of some people is obvious, this entry will be a bit more “discrete”.  Not that I am trying to hide anything, because this blog is obviously about being open and sharing truthfully.  I simply want to try to allow those who are written about the opportunity to read and go through some of the same thought processes as I did while putting the information together.  Of course, some of the information and descriptors will be obvious because there is just no way to make them less identifiable.  This being said, here we go!

First of all let’s discuss those who have come into my life to stay forever.  These people are in my life without much of a choice.  They are family.  I was born into the lives of great parents and loving grandparents.  I have many supportive aunts, uncles, and cousins.  I shared my childhood with a great sister, who has brought a beautiful niece and two wonderful nephews into my life.  As life moved forward I was blessed with my wonderful twin sons.  Each of these people, like it or not, are a part of my life to the end of time.  We are family and , no matter what differences we may encounter, we are permanently bound by the blood in our veins and the love of family in our hearts.  There is no questioning why they are in my life, because we were all born into this family through the blessing of a higher being in GOD above.

Next I shall discuss those who have come into my life to stay for a long period of time, but could leave at any moment.  They have chosen to be a part of my life at some point, and have hung on this long.  These friends came in at a variety of different times, through a variety of different circumstances, but they all arrived at the same place – the door to my heart.  I will be the first to admit I am an emotional being.  I take my friends in and hold them dear till they choose to move on.  Rarely do I ever cut a friend loose without it being their decision to withdraw from my life themselves.  My truest friends are those whom I have stumbled across by some circumstance that drew us together and has bound us to one another for a long time.  As I recall the first time I met many of by closest friends I am amazed at how we came to be close, and for some that we have been able to remain so close.  If you are one of these friends, you know what I am talking about when I say it is hard to believe some of us have made it this long, but if we have made it this far surely we can make it FOREVER!

New friends are those who have come into my life at this time of renewal.  They are ALL friends whom I would love to keep forever, but only time will tell.  These friends have come along and saved me from the boredom, loneliness, and regret that tend to sneak up behind me when I sit alone.  The phone will chime, the door will shake, or the messages come in as if they know exactly when they are needed.  They may be “new” friends, but they have the characteristics of those who have been in my life for a while.  That is, they all know when I need them, or at least need to hear from someone. These friends have yet to determine the length of time they will be in my life, but they are here now, and that matters so much.  Knowing that new friends can still come in and be a part of life is a wonderful feeling.

I have also come across many “short term” friends.  Friends who came into my life for whatever reason, by whatever circumstance, and then chose to leave the friendship for some reason or other.  Whether it was because of a disagreement, a misunderstanding, or some other situation that brought an end to our time together, these friendships came to an end.  I can count on one hand the number of friends whom I personally have “cut” from my life.  Those people were cut for reasons very obvious to them, and the decisions to eliminate any contact with them were difficult.  Add one more cut within the past two days.  There is no room in my life, in MY WORLD, for hate and ignorance.  Those are the people who I do not have time for.  Those who condemn and judge as if they are without fault or flaw are the ones who make it easy to cut them from my life.  I always dig deeply as I deliberate the cut, but ultimately I find it difficult to condone their actions and ignorance.  It is hate and ignorance that cause people to make vile and judgmental comments that cut deep enough to hurt those at the receiving end of those insults.  I can’t tolerate those people in my life.  I am taking a stand to fight the ignorance and hate that lead to people causing themselves harm.  It is intolerable.

Wow, that took a different turn at the end that intended, but I will go with it.  Many people come into our lives, and some leave just as quickly.  Friends are GOD’s gifts to each of us.  I strive to be the best friend I can, but I admit I am difficult and hard to tolerate at times.  I have come to a point in my life where I will not put up with negativity, prejudice, or belittling behaviors from anyone.  If you are a “friend”, then you know how my “filter” operates.  If you can’t handle it, then you know what you can do.  I will never leave my REAL FRIENDS.  We may have disagreements, but we are still here for one another when needed.  As I have stated many times the past week.  MY CUP RUNNETH OVER!!  I am truly blessed and I pray for these same blessings of friendship to be bestowed upon all whom I come into contact with.

LOVES

IGNORANCE IS . . . IGNORANCE

So today’s blog will be short and to the point.  If you are a friend on facebook then you have probably seen the following.  It is my status from last night, Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 8:14pm. 

“Cold rainy days lead to cold rainy nights. Makes for great time to cuddle up on the couch, or sit alone with your writing. :-) Entry #6 published. Enjoy! LOVES”

I figured to get a comment or two, but nothing like the firestorm that followed.  All of it stemming from one extremely IGNORANT comment.  A “friend” posted the following comment as a reply to my status.  Although not a direct response to anything from the status itself, I assume it is in response to my reference to this blog. 

Her comment was this . . . “Wow ur a faggot?”

YES!  You read that correctly.  Unfortunately, this is the type of response I expected.  Fortunately, this is the first I have had directed at me in such a personally attacking form.  I have to admit, my heart winced in  pain at the first reading, but then I read the supportive comments that followed. In reading those posts I realized once again how valuable my TRUE friends are.  I also realized how my friends have my back.  Support is above all else the one thing that has gotten me through the struggles of being an “out and about” gay man. 

So to answer your question – YES!  I am a proud homosexual man, who has some of the kindest hearted, most supportive and encouraging friends and family. 

Now I will ask a question of my own.  Are you really that ignorant?  Let me answer that one too.  Yes! You are so ignorant as to post such vile and hurtful words in a public forum, and not realize the firestorm that would follow.  I hope you never have to deal with this type of hate and ignorance in anything that you do, because there are young people who deal with comments like yours by hurting themselves and committing suicide.  Young people with promising futures so destroyed by HATE that they see no reason to live.  This is not acceptable and it is not something that I can let go.  I am making it my goal to keep spreading the air of hope that no matter who or what you are, no matter your race, creed, religion, or sexual orientation YOU ARE A PERSON!!  So, my friend, although you are ignorant I still love you, because you are a person, and you still deserve to be loved.  I only wish you could share the love you receive.

**EDIT ADDED**
This is a message I sent to the person who posted the negative comment.  I sent this after she chose to "unfriend" me on facebook.  I had no intention of removing her, but she obviously could not handle truth and reality.

XXXXX,
I am sorry that you felt that you needed to unfriend me after your harsh comment on my status.  I want you to know that I was not angered by it at all.  Not nearly as affected by it as my friends were/are.  It did inspire me to continue to fight the fight that I do daily.  Not for myself, but for the young people who are killing themselves because of unkind and harsh words thrown at them daily.  It is amazing to me that I have not had a negative slur thrown at me until now.  I would still consider you a friend.  Just an uninfomed friend.
May god bless you, the way he does me daily.
Phil

FAKE FRIENDS

Each of us goes through a period of enlightenment a few times in our lives.  These times are periods when we come to some realization about our lives, ourselves, and/or those around us.  Along with the obvious period of enlightenment in my life, I have also had a “minor” enlightenment period recently.  I have recently come to realize something that I have known to be true for years, but just now have started to take more seriously, and sometimes more personally.  This is the realization that there are those among us who want us to believe they are true to us.  They want us to believe them to be our friends, so that they can “infiltrate” our lives and look for the perfect opportunity to strike, and bring us tumbling down.  I call these creatures “Fake Friends”.  They will be so kind and supportive to your face and be a part of the group when you hang out for good fellowship times.  Then, when you least expect it, they STRIKE!  They wait until you are most vulnerable and weakest and they move in for “the kill”. 

These Fake Friends are the most vile and hurtful creatures on the planet.  I can handle knowing my enemies are out there trying daily to discover ways to destroy me.  That is an expected part of life.  How sad it is that this new era of falsehood also must become an expected part of life.  It is one thing to “know” you have to be on constant look-out for your enemies to “attack”, but it is another to have to be aware that someone in your group of “friends” is also looking for the perfect time to bring you down.  These fake friends make their attempts by trying to undermine you with other friends, by trying to destroy your reputation with those you are close to, or by secretly commenting to others in a negative way behind your back.  They make it their business to try to bring you down because they don’t agree with your every move.  Obviously no one is going to agree with every move their “friends” make, and especially not every move I make.  I know that I am making life changes that not everyone agrees with.  I do not ask anyone to agree with my life, I do not ask anyone to accept my lifestyle.  All I ask is that people accept me for the person I am.  In doing so I ask that you take the things you do not like or agree with, and keep them to yourself, if you can’t speak to me about them.  Please do not make random phone calls, send text messages, or try to slander me to those closest to me.  If you do not agree with my actions, that is your prerogative, but to pretend to be a friend and then turn around and try to bring my life crumbling down just makes you FAKE.  I have hundreds of “friends”, few are the TRUE FRIENDS that make life worth living, but most are REAL FRIENDS who make life fun and enjoyable.  Then there is those who are FAKE FRIENDS whose lives must be so boring and meaningless that they have to go around and try to destroy others to give themselves any once of happiness.  I feel sorry for those creatures who must live their lives this way.  It is sad in today’s world where there is so much hate and anger, that you have to watch your back because you have “friends” who are more shady and devious than most enemies you will ever encounter.  So I ask you, my friends, what kind of friend are you?  Where do you sit in your group of friends?  Are you a TRUE FRIEND, a REAL FRIEND, or are you the FAKE FRIEND in your group?  Your friends will know who you are soon enough, and when they do I wonder  what that day will be like for you.  I know it will be a day of celebration for my TRUE and REAL friends.  I will look forward to the day when the “enemy” is the only one to look out for, because the “FAKE FRIENDS” will be considered with that group of creatures and not be classified as any sort of friend at all.

Proceed with Caution

So as the time came to “come out” the feelings of “to do it or not” began to tug at my heart and cause major headaches.  I knew who I was and what others needed to know, but exactly when and how were the major questions.  Then there was - who to tell first, who not to tell, how to go about letting people find out.  I was certain I needed to be honest with my family and friends.  I knew WHO I was and they needed to finally know the REAL me so that I could begin to LIVE. 

Cautiously I began to tell people the truth about who I am.  I was amazed at the reactions.  I continue to be amazed by the people in my life and their reactions.  As I have mentioned I come from a very conservative small town community.  It is a place that people “like me” run from instead of running to.   So as I started to “come out” I was nervous about the reactions of the people in MY WORLD. 

I had many friends whose reactions were, “Yes, we know.  We have just been waiting on you to admit it.”  There have even been those who said, “Good for you, I am proud of you for being so courageous and for deciding to be the REAL you.”  These reactions were great, but where were all those negative reactions I was expecting? 

Where were the reactions to run me out of town, to get me out of the classroom? Where were the ones who would stop talking to me and avoid me at all costs?  They were there.  I think?  I have, to this day, never heard a negative reaction.  No one has said anything to me negatively to my face.  I have had those few people who no longer talk to me, or who will give me a look when I enter a room.  For the most part though, the negative has not surfaced to rear its ugly hate filled head.  There are those who will “secretly” look for ways to tear me down.  They will talk behind my back, and look for reasons to spread gossip and stir up trouble.  The thing is, I am not bothered by it. Well, I am not bothered by it “too much”.  I am who I am.  This is me, and this is who I am going to be for the rest of my life.  Take me or leave me, but don’t think for one minute you are going to destroy me.  I have become very strong through this journey, and I have prepared for your kind of hate and shadiness. 

The one thing I was not prepared for is the wide ranging support I have received.  The encouragement to be strong and continue to have the courage to live MY LIFE, has been amazing.  I become emotional when I think of all the great friends and family I have who show me daily how much they care.  So many, with so much love and support to share with ME, a gay man from small town Indiana.  I am amazed, overwhelmed, and touched by the great support network I have.  My colleagues, friends, family, and MY WORLD, are all important to me.  You are the ones whom I know I can trust no matter the situation, and I know you will have my back if ever I need you.  So as I continue on this journey, I will Proceed with Caution knowing that there are many who will support and few who will try to tear me down.  Strength in numbers tells me I will never have to face anything alone. 

The Next Chapter – Loves Me For Me

As I turn 40, I look ahead of me to see what life may hold.  Not looking behind, as that shows only the life that once was, and is no more.  I have taken the steps to move forward with my life and to take on this new chapter with nervous excitement.  I am excited to move forward, yet nervous to take each step.  The changes that have taken place in my life have been liberating.  I am free to be myself, free to live life to the fullest and not look back.  Not that my past holds negative memories, because it does not.  My past holds some of the grandest, most blessed memories I have.  However, I know that as the future opens up and I move forward, new memories will be made and they have the potential to be better yet.

As I move forward, I have many “Thank you’s” to send out. 

First, I must thank my parents.  40 years ago the love you shared brought me into the world.  Little did you know then the challenges I would bring to your lives throughout my life.  Through every twist and turn, every up and down, every hill and valley, you are always there for me.  My mommy is my one true BEST friend and she loves me for me.  I have many friends, few best friends, but my mom is the BEST OF THE BEST!! My Dad, well, he may not understand me or my decisions, but I know he loves me for me.  He may not agree with my moving to the city, or the people I bring into my life, but I know he loves me for me. 

My Granny Grand, in all her  91 years, has been through much and she still finds time to love each of her children, grandchildren, and all her extended family for who they are.  When I told her about my life and who I am I knew she still loves me for me. 

My dearest sister has spent many days and nights talking, listening, laughing, and crying with me.  The bond we share is more than brother/sister, it is the bond of true friends who never judge, never speak ill, and she loves me for me.

My most precious children have never shown any doubt in my moving forward.  They are the biggest blessing in my life, and they are the most caring, kind hearted, and accepting children I know.  They show an understanding of things most children would never know, and they accept everything about me as if it is a normal part of life.  Their love and support have made my move to the next chapter easier to make.  All of this is made easier because I know that each of them loves me for me.

The mother of my children is amazing.  What else can I say about the woman who gave birth to the most important people in my life.  We have had our moments, and lord knows things became strange for us both, but through everything, she has been one of my biggest supporters.  She is constantly offering advice and allowing me to be open with her when needed.  My decision was a huge struggle between responsibility-vs-love, and ultimately LOVE had to win.  It was either that or I was going to shrivel and die. In my case I had to choose to love me in order to do the responsible thing for my children, and that was to let their mother go and live a better life.  She has always been my best friend and always will be.  All of this shows that she loves me for me.

Mom2 is the women who took me in during my college years and allowed me to become part of her family.  She, her wonderful husband, and my little sister took me in, cared for me, and to this day offer the best support system a guy could ask for.  I love them for loving and caring for me.  They are special because each of them loves me for me.

My closest friends know me, my life, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, and my loves.  They are always beside me supporting and encouraging me.  They pick me up when I fall down.  They cheer with me when I am up.  They are the ones who I know I can count on in my darkest hours, and in the brightest moments of my life.  I know this because each of them loves me for me.

My distant friends are those who even though there are miles between us, I know they are there at any moment.  They offer support through encouraging cards, emails, texts, facebook messages, and phone calls.  They are so close that when we are together in person after long periods away the still prove to me that each of them loves me for me.

My new friends who have come into my life through this new chapter are a true blessing.  You may not know how valuable you are to me, but you help to make my life so much easier to maneuver through.  Your time may be spent going for a run with me, hanging out on the dance floor, or just being a part of the group when we are out to celebrate or party or just a "hello how are you" chat on facebook .  Whatever your role in my life it is valuable because by being there you prove that each of you loves me for me.

My “kids” are those former students and athletes, or even former students who were not in my class but are part of  the “group”.  These young people have been one of the most supportive and encouraging groups when it comes to dealing with my new life.  They send me some of the simplest messages, “like” my facebook status, give me a “good for you Mr. A”, and all without fear of what their peers will say.  They are great young people whom I love for my children to look up to.  These “kids” know that I would do anything for them at any time, and I know the same is true of them in reverse.  All of this because these very positive and un-prejudiced young people each loves me for me.

My “Protective” friend, has come into my life as the voice of concern.  He constantly pushes me to think and rationalize before making decisions.  He is the one “straight” person in my life who can hang with me in any bar, on the dance floor, shopping, or anywhere in any situation.  He can tell when I am down and supports and encourages me when I just need a friend.  He seeks advice from me, and is there to advise me when I need it.  From “he is not your type” to “you don’t want to do that” or even “don’t go to that bar tonight”, he is truly someone whom I know I can trust with my life, and the way he gets protective of me just proves that he loves me for me.

My “BEST GIRL”, has only been in my life a short time.  She has already gotten to know the deep inner me.  The me that I do not let everyone see.  She reads me better than those who have known me “forever”.  She has a true genuine spirit about her that allows me to be comfortable and calm.  She forces me to face myself and my issues with a true compassion, and she can make me smile with the simplest of texts or facebook messages.  She is truly a one of a kind friend who loves spending time with me as much as I enjoy the time with her.  All she does and says proves that she loves me for me.

My “Grace”, is the one “old” friend who has returned to my life to become an unexpected super fan of my life.  I am her “Will”, and we know that there is nothing we won’t do for each other.  I have her back and support her fully, as she does me.  Our own “Will and Grace” relationship is one that will last forever.  It has already been proven that as we have grown up we have grown into one of the strongest friendship bonds because she loves me for me.

My “one and only” knows who she is, and why she is.  She is the one person above all else who will smack me down when needed, cheer me up when no one else can, and throw me one hell of a party just because she loves me for me.

My AFF (Always Friends Forever) is so true to me even when I don’t deserve it.  He constantly supports and encourages me and wants nothing but the best for me.  Although we do not always agree on who or what that is, we stick together to lift each other up.  I know when I need anything, he will be there because he loves me for me.

Of all my friends, and all the support they give me, these next three are the ones who give me reason to breathe each morning.  They offer me all they can to allow me to know that I have their full support and encouragement as I step each day into this new chapter, because each of them loves me for me.

My BFF (Best Friend Forever) is just that.  She is the one who will always be where I need her, when I need her.  She may not always agree with my decisions or my actions, but she will always offer support and encouragement when it is needed.  These past few months she has been one powerful driving force in my life changes.  I know she does this because she loves me for me.

My GBFF (Gay Best Friend Forever) is truly a blessing to my life.  He came into my life at just the right moment and made my new life in the city bearable.  Although we have had our troubles, and he has moved on and out to start his own new chapter, I know he will be here when needed, as I will be for him.  Because we give one another support that most others don’t or can’t understand.  He is my saving grace and my sanity.  He is all these things because he loves me for me.

Then there is TTBFF(THE TRUE BEST Friend Forever) whom I have given my heart to even when he doesn’t want it.  He is the one who has made the “walk” into this new chapter worth every minute. We share everything about our lives.  We know that no matter what comes up, who comes in, who goes out, or how long we are apart, we will always be together.  We will be together as BEST friends always.  People look at us and look for the “something more” that they think they will find between us.  We both have to admit there are times when that line seems blurred, but WE know who we are and WHAT we are.  My life will be better for having him in it.  He has been in my life for a while now, and because of this I am comfortable being me.  He brings out both the best and worst in me.  That is what ones TRUE BEST FRIEND does.  They know you better than you know yourself, and because of this they know just when they are needed.  He knows I need him more at times, and he knows when I need him to just go away.  Fortunately, I know that when he does go away it is never for very long, and I know that soon we will be driving each other insane when we are together even more than before.  I know he exists in my life for a purpose, and he will remain my TTBFF because I KNOW he loves me for me.

Thank you to each of you, and most importantly to the one who matters most, My Lord and Savior Jesus Crist.  It amazes me daily the hate that exists in this world.  There are so many out there who struggle to be themselves because of hate and abuse.  There are so many who use The Word, to try to tear us down.  I have been fortunate in my life to have had many strong spiritual leaders and guides.  One thing I learned from each of them is that my God does not hate anyone.  I know that he will “never leave nor forsake me” because he LOVES ME FOR ME!

LOVES

This Journey I am on has taken me on a roller coaster ride of good and bad, happy and sad, one emotion after another.  Although it has been a rough and rocky road, I would not trade one minute of it.  I have times when I question my role in the lives of others, and their role in mine, but I always know that I will never lose myself again.  I was lost for too long, and now that I have finally discovered ME, I will not allow myself to disappear again. As I look at the roles of people in my life I have found that though there are many loves, and many roles, each one is valuable and meaningful to me.  If you are a friend, then you are able to read this, that means that you fit into at least one of these categories.  I laid them out in detail recently to a friend.  I will list them for you today, with less detail and you can decide who fits where.  Just know that you all fit somewhere.

I have many loves in my life, let me try to break it down for you.

•           The Truest Love – My Lord and Savior

•           The True Loves of my life – My Precious children

•           The Loves that never fade – My SUPER parents, my lovely grandmother, my wonderful sister, my beautiful niece, my crazy nephews, my kind hearted aunts and uncles, and many other supportive family members.

•           The Loving Best friends – You know who you are!

•           The one I love who cannot love me – Goes without saying

•           The one who loves me, whom I love, but not the same – I’m sorry

•           The new friend who makes things fun – Guess who

•           The one I love more than life and feel I can never have, and I truly don't ever want to lose- Well he knows who he is!

•           THE ONE – This one is out there, I know he is. I’m just not sure whether or not we have already met, or if that time is still to come.  I will keep you all posted on this one!! 

I know it may not clear things up for anyone, but It sure makes me realize what I have.  MY CUP RUNNETH OVER!

LOVES,

Phil

WHAT A JOURNEY

A few months back I set out on a journey of unexpected and uncharted territory in my life.  I have found on this journey that there are many ups and downs (which I totally expected).  I have also found that, along with the self-discovery and vulnerability, I am becoming a stronger person daily.  I have discovered that I have MORE support and encouragement than I ever thought possible.  My wonderful family has proven once again that they are always there for me, and will never leave my side or turn away from me.  OLD friends have returned to my life and are so supportive and encouraging of my new life journey.  NEW friends have come into my life at just the right time to keep me sane, and show me true understanding and compassion. 

This journey has been very enlightening so far, and this is only the beginning.  As I continue to explore my new life, my new world, and my new home, I am blessed to know that those whom I love will always have my back.  When I stumble on one of the obstacles along the way, there is always someone there picking me up, dusting me off, and sending me back on my way. 

I have learned in this new life as in my previous life that trust, reliability, dependability, respect, and honesty are hard to find.  Just when you think you have come across these characteristics you find your heart discouraged by the falsification of character.  I know that is how it goes, and that it is to be expected, and I become stronger each time I stumble across one that is fake and dishonest. 

I have also learned what I have always known to be true.  Small town gossip is so mean and spiteful.  I feel truly sorry for those who have nothing better to do with their lives than to attempt to destroy someone else’s.  Those are the people who give small towns a bad name, and they are the ones who will never know the meaning of TRUE FRIENDSHIP, because they only want people to be friendly to them.  They do not want to be friendly to others.

I want to thank my family, and all of my TRUE REAL FRIENDS for all of your love and support.  I know who is genuine and true, and I know those who only go through the motions to try to make me feel good.  Well, that is not necessary.  If you can not love me for ME, and be my friend no matter what my life leads me to, then there is no need for you to even pretend to be a friend, just move on and leave space for another in my life because I have no room for you.

LOVE TO ALL MY FAMILY and MY TRUE REAL FRIENDS.  You all know who you are.

ESCAPE FROM STRAIGHT

I sit here in my new city apartment, looking out into a whole new world.  Not new in that it has been undiscovered, but new because I have never been able to enjoy the adventure.  Let me give you a little background.  I was born to working class white parents in rural Indiana in 1970.  I grew up knowing love and compassion.  My parents had their rough spots, but they have remained married through it all.  Maybe this is where my life’s “lie” began.  I like to say “the lie” was cultivated and nurtured early on in my life.  I always liked boys, and played with the girls.  But growing up in rural America in those days did not make it easy to be homosexual.  I dated girls and had a great “straight life”.  Or so everyone thought.  That brings us to a more current time.

I married my best friend in the spring of 1996 and life seemed perfect.  We both knew that things were not “right” between us, but we were living the American dream:  married to your best friend, living in the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood, preparing to raise the perfect family.  We tried for nearly 5 years to have children, before turning to fertility specialists and bringing the most precious baby boys into the world in the fall of 2000.  From there the perfect family moved through the daily grind.  Then it was time for REALITY to set in.

My wife and I had both known for years that there was something “missing” in our relationship.  That was “sexual desire”.  I had no real desire to have sex, with her.  She was a beautiful woman, my best friend, and I could not seem to perform.  I chalked it up to the years of “trying” when we were unable to have children.  During that time sex had become more of a job, than a pleasurable experience between husband and wife.  That is when all the feelings from my youth started coming back.

I began to realize that the male body turned me on.  I was attracted sexually to men and no woman could change that.  After eight years of “faking” it, my wife and I decided it was time to end the marriage.  Not because we did not love each other, but because we LOVED one another so much, but could not satisfy one another’s deepest sexual desires.  No amount of faking was going to make the marriage last.  No amount of counseling was going to help free the desires within, and keep us together.

When we separated she told me, “Phil, you are gay, you don’t want me, you want a man to make you happy”.  I had to agree, and after a year of being separated the divorce was final, and the real change (or return to self, as I call it) began.  The truth was I did not “want” a man.  I “NEEDED” a man to make me happy, to fulfill me completely. 

The “coming out” period was truly an exceptionally exciting experience for me.  I have some many supportive friends and family.  I never felt alone, or condemned.  I was amazed at how everyone seemed to understand and accept what I was telling them, that I am a gay man, and I have ALWAYS been a gay man.  I am a homosexual, and I am proud of that fact.  I had been hiding in a straight world my whole life, and finally found my escape from straight.

As previously stated, I have many supportive and accepting friends.  Some of them questioned if I was sure.  Not if I was sure I am gay, but if I was sure I wanted to “come out”.  I was given several books, and pieces of literature about the homosexual lifestyle. I was given material that included “formerly” gay men telling their stories of “becoming straight”.  Other material contained “scientific” diagnosis and tried to explain what “caused” people to become gay.  Well.  I don’t buy into any of that garbage. 

You see, I grew up in a society where homosexuality is not accepted.  People do not have trouble accepting heterosexuality.  Heterosexuality is the way things are “supposed” to be.  So I find it hard to believe that these people had to “hide” in the gay world.  I do not believe that it was so difficult for them to be straight, that they felt they “had to be gay”.  That concept does not sit well with me, because I “hid” in the straight world for thirty-nine years of my life because homosexuality was not acceptable.  I can not understand how someone would have to hide in the gay world to hide their heterosexuality, unless it was to benefit and profit from publishing a book that addressed that aspect of life.  Understanding homosexuality, or heterosexuality for that matter, is not as complex as the “professionals” would like us all to believe.  It is quite simple.  You either are, or you are not.  It is not a matter of when you become one or the other, it is a matter of when you acknowledge you are one or the other.  I have always known I was gay, from as early as when I was ten, but I did not choose to acknowledge the fact until I was forced to face reality.  Facing the reality that I am a homosexual was the best thing to happen to me, other than the birth of my children. 

“Coming out” was such a liberating experience.  I was finally free from the shackles of living in the heterosexual world.  I was now free to be me, to be the me who loves the male anatomy, and who loves the thought of passion and sexual desire between two men.  In the midst of the freedom, I have come to realize many things.  I came to realize that being me is the best thing I can do for myself and for my life.  I started writing this to be a book detailing an emergence from the straight culture that was my life into the gay world which is my life.  I have found that I am writing this as more a compilation of feelings and expressions of my life, about my life, and about those in my life who make every day worth living.  The people in my life are all important to me, and it is important to me that they be recognized for their contributions to my world.  These contributions are what make me who I am and allow me to continue to grow as the person I am finally happy to be, ME.

So the following are “journal” entries that chronicle the emergence of my new life from the shell of my “old” life.