New Year, New Me, New Life

2015 looks to bring a lot of change to my life.  Yes, it is the beginning of a new year, but it is already shaping up to be so much more than that for me.

As 2013 came to close, I looked ahead to 2014 with cautious optimism.  Then I woke up on January 1 and found myself needing more caution and feeling less optimism.  I found that I was over being the guy who worked to keep things peaceful and make everyone else around me happy, while I was falling apart myself.  Then 2014 saw two major health scares that nearly brought my life to a halt. March brought hospital stay number one, then December found another hospital stay. There was even a visit to the emergency room in between.

I found myself staring death in the face in March as pneumonia put me in a coma, left me hospitilized for 37 days, and months of recovery ahead.  It also showed me how my real friends rallied around to uplift and support me during my lengthy recovery.  By June I was back to my self with minimal risidual effects from the illness that nearly took me away.  Experiencing this type of illness, the return from a coma, and the months of therapy, made me realize I can overcome most anything.

After recovering we took a much needed family vacation to Florida.  We enjoyed family time with a renewed sense of life and what life holds for all of us.  We began to work on strengthening our family unit and working on more time to spend together with less interruptions.

Then, BAM!!  December 18 I was hit with a stroke. This gave me another chance to see that I am not invincible and that life can take so many unexpected turns in a short period of time.  I am still in the midst of this latest recovery, but I am determined to return to myself and take on the future with whatever it has to throw my way.  I am gearing up for the year ahead with plans of advancing myself, my family, and my career.  I vowed in April that I would not be defeated, and I am even more committed today to what lies ahead.  I will proceed with caution but with a renewed sense of optimism that will not see me fail.

As 2015 takes shape, I plan to recover my health, advance my aspirations, and see my family stronger than last year.  Together we will all be more successful as long as we all work together to inspire, support, and encourage one another from day one.  So, as this new year begins, I vow to fight for things that are important and stay committed to the relationships that make me who I am.  Fight has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and you need to get on board with what it means or get out of the way because I do not plan to give up or stop any time soon.

Thankful For Another Day

A year ago at this time my life was beginning to take a downward spiral that would not be evident for a few months to everyone, but looking back this is where it all started.  I began to suffer mentally and physically.  I came down with my first round of bronchitis and fell into a depression that seemed never ending.   I took a personal "retreat" prior to Thanksgiving and tried to pull myself back together.  I returned "home" Thanksgiving day with hopes of a renewed sense of self.  

After a month of continued soul searchjng, self doubt, and another round of bronchitis,  I found myself once again drowning in a sea of wonder.  I continued to muddle through as winter cam and forced myself to think Happy thoughts.  I moved to a new place to find myself, yet always longed to be "home".  The constant doubting myself, my place, and my worth caused me to once again find illness as Spring came.  

I spiraled out of control as I chose to ignore the illness until it was too late.   Told it was "just bronchitis" again, I chose to let the illness get the best of me.  This is when I gave up on myself and anything of value left in my life.   I felt others would be better off if I were to succumb to whatever was ailing me.  I was already feeling rejected by some I was closest too and felt I was dragging others down.

Then I slept! 

Thirty-seven days in the hospital gave me time to rest,  heal, and find myself.  All the soul searching I had done was minimal compared to my time in the hospital once I woke up.  I realized I needed to live and make things right for my family and myself.

This Thanksgiving,  I am still recovering,  but I am healthy and ready to tackle anything this life has in store.  I am thankful for my family and friends who have stayed by my side and who continue to support me on my journey.  I'm not going to lie and make people believe things are perfect, but I will let you all know I am doing everything I can to make things better.

NEXT TIME?

How often do we hear the words, "Next time I..."?  When you hear those words from certain people under certain circumstances, you want to believe them to be true.  In the past few months I have heard these words many times from people I love and trust, only to find these words fall short of being honest.  These statements come from loved ones, family, and friends who are all well intentioned, but who tend to make promises they know they can't (or won't) keep.

During my hospital stay I heard over and over how things were going to be different, "Next time there is a family gathering, I will be more supportive, and see that we are all a "FAMILY".  I have been the "black sheep" my whole life, and I knew these statements were not going to develop into anything more than just the typical hollow words they were.  I knew coming home after 37 days in the hospital everything would once again have conditions.  However, I tried to believe things were going to be different, and there would be "family" gatherings where "everyone" would be in attendance and accepted.  NO, this is not the case,  I have been home since April 11, and I have yet to see anything resembling any changes that were mentioned while I was hospitalized.  I tell myself daily that maybe I was so medicated that I was hearing things in a hopeful way and they were never really said.

From there we have the words of friends.  The ones who say, "next time I am free we will get together and make up for lost time" or "next time we go there we will do this".  I hear these words and I have to think to myself, are they being sincere and honest or do they just think they are saying what I need to hear.  I have been burned and hurt too many times to hold on to these words as true.  I know they may think they will follow through, but they won't.  They may want to do this or that.with me, but they always seem to find something or someone better. 

I don't want to sound whiny, but I am hurt that people think they earn a pass when they say, "next time".  I don't want to hear "next time" any more, because I no longer believe those who say it.  I no longer trust that there will be a "next time" just because someone says there will be.  Promise people whatever it is you want to do, commit to events to prolong relationships, instead of making false statements that you know you will not be able to follow through with even if you want to. 

Life is full of unexpected happenings that can change plans, so don't say "next time".  Try this instead, "I promise we will do this if time and circumstances allow.  I want to do this, but I can not make definite arrangements into the future."  This will make it easier to handle when plans fall through, and it will be a more honest statement than saying, "next time". 

LITTLE THINGS

It's the little things you do
that make me stop and smile at you.
Like the way you gently hold my hand
as we drive to show you understand.
The way you lean over as you drive
to kiss me and prove love's alive.
The way you tickle behind my ear
just so I know you are near.
The way your eyes shine when you smile
to show you would go the extra mile.
The way you slowly tap my knee
to show how much you still love me.
It's all these little things you do
that make me fall more in love with you.

HE

He wears a ring and tat that match mine
He kisses me when the sun starts to shine
He holds my hand and holds me tight
He says he loves me when we kiss goodnight

He is my one and only love
He was sent to me from up above
He is the one I want more than ever
He has my heart in his forever

He is the man who makes me smile
He will always go that extra mile
He is the one with which I stay
He is the one I'll marry some day.

Rick Allen Crisp II, I will never give up hope that you are the one I will spend forever with. I believe in fairytales because I was taught to dream.

While I Slept

March 6 is a day to be remembered, although I don't remember it or 30 of the 37 days that followed.  It seems I let pneumonia get the best of me and it took me down (almost out).  I was put in a drug induced coma put on a ventilator and given a slim chance at recovery.  It is my understanding that while I "slept" there was even talk of "pulling the plug".  As I "slept" support surrounded me and my many loved ones sent powerful thoughts for my improved health.  Even though I don't remember anything from those first 31 days, there are a few things that I know for sure.

1. My amazing partner did everything in his power to help me fight.  He was by my side pushing and begging me to return, to "wake up" and come back.  Rick was the driving force behind everyone else rallying to give hope to what seemed to be a hopeless situation.  He never gave up on me, and he made sure no one else did either.  He held my hand regularly.  Even though I don't remember, I am certain that I felt his presence and made sure he knew that I was aware he was there.

2. My parents and sister were ever present as well.  They were stunned and confused and facing decisions that they were not prepared to face.  As I "slept", I never imagined the pain I could be causing by not leaving someone some simple instruction or plan about my care should I ever be faced with such a situation.

3. My ex-wife (my best friend) and my children were also there as support and encouragement as I "slept".  They begged me to awaken and to return to myself.  She and the boys pushed right along with everyone else for me to overcome and return.

4.  My "in-laws" were at the ready any moment to step in and do anything that needed done to pull me through, as I "slept".  They were there to support, encourage, and hope along with everyone else. 

5.  While I "slept" many friends and family members from all over sent positive thoughts and hopeful wishes for my recovery.  They posted messages on facebook, sent text messages, and sent cards and letters.  They did all they could to encourage me to awaken and return to myself.

As I "slept" much went on around me that I will never know or remember.  However, I am aware of all the love, support, and encouragement that was coming my way and that helped me to return home on April 11.  I spent many days and nights not knowing what was happening, who was who, or even who I was.  I was incoherent, un able to talk, bed ridden, and "out of it".  As I finally came around and began to understand things, I began to realize I would never know the intensity of the number of people who are behind my recovery.  It is to everyone who is there that I say "Thank You from the bottom of my heart".  I am home, talking better as the stoma heals, learning to walk again, and taking each day as a total gift from everyone who has given support and encouragement.  I would never have imagined illness would take me down like this, nor did I ever realize how much simple tasks like walking are taken for granted.  I ask everyone who reads this post to do me a couple of huge favors.

1. Wake up each day thankful to see the day no matter the weather you are facing.
2. Remember, as you go from place to place, be happy for each step.
3. Never say "I'll do it tomorrow".  If I had gone to the Doctor when I should have, I might have been able to avoid losing 30 plus days of my life.

I will never get those days back that I "slept" away, but I will make the most of each day forward and I will overcome all obstacles as I re-learn to life my life.

Thank you everyone.

LOVES

RIDING ROLLER COASTERS

To say my life has been up and down lately would be slightly inaccurate.  My life has been more like a daily roller coaster ride.  You know that feeling of excitement and anticipation as you ride along approaching the climb, the way your heart beats with the thrill of prediction for what lies ahead.  I have felt that way many times in the past few months.  I have anticipated the excitement of true love and all that it offers.  I have watched with anxious thoughts as the climb approached each day.  Awaiting for the unknown has always been difficult for me, and this ride of life is no different.

As the climb began and the hill seemed to steep to ride, I started to fear the unknown fall as the roller coaster progressed.  Somewhere during this stage of the ride of life, I became content to stay stalled on the climb and the comfort of being in love started to cause major complications for the journey ahead.  I became comfortable in every aspect of my life and never realized I was losing the most important parts of myself.  Once I finally realized what was happening, I feared it was too late, and rushed to catch up on the ride.

The downward spiral that lie ahead was the most excruciating and painful part of the ride.  As the anxiety of losing it all built and the climb came to a halt, I saw the downward spiral and had no way of knowing how to keep myself from crashing.  I became an emotional wreck.  I tried crying, screaming, and fighting for everything I believed in. none of it seems to have worked.  The descending ride became the roughest of my life, and I continue to wait for the final safe ride back to the station.  I hope and pray each day for the ride to end as it began, with true love and partnership to last forever.  As I ride life's roller coaster, I fear each day that I will stall on the climb, and crash on the descending ride.

Roller coasters are fun entertainment, until the roller coaster of life catches you off guard and you have to struggle to stay on board.  Love is definitely like this for me these days, as I try to figure out each day's ride and how to hold on so that nothing is lost.  I try to hold onto everything and everyone important to me and sometimes this pushes things further from my grasp.  I truly believe in the power of love and hope the roller coaster will slow down just enough to allow me to keep it alive.

POEMS JUST FOR HIM

Lately I have written a few new poems just for the one I love, and re-read a couple of old ones..  I have decided I need to share them more widely to prove how real and true my love is for him.  I will love him til the end of my days.  I know he loves me and always will.  We are bound by hearts that cannot let one another go, and that is what keeps me going, knowing one day we will return to the love we once had, as 3 years together means more than others may ever understand. 2-10-2011 will forever be!

ALL I EVER WANTED

I’m not sure just what I should do
All I ever wanted in this life was you

I read old messages that you sent
I see the heartfelt love that you meant

My eyes fill with tears of joy, not sadness
I hope some day we will get through all the madness

My world has crashed at the loss of you
For you my love has only been true

Our life together was supposed to last
I can forget all the pain and hurt of the past

We are destined by fate for love to survive
I will love you completely until I’m no longer alive

My love your you is as true as can be
I only wish you would return to loving me

You are the dearest one to my heart
Our life together was a work of true art

As I think of everything I love about you
I can’t help but dream of all we can do

Together we were the envy of all
There are those who cherished our very fall

Let’s show the world we are still strong
Let’s prove that it is together we belong

Always know that its you that I desire
My passion for you burns like a fire

I don’t care what has happened, or what’s in the past
I know we can find a way to make our love last

My love for you is stronger each day
Even when without you I must stay.

I will love you forever until the day I die
Rick Allen Crisp II you’re the apple of my eye.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!

I LOVE...

Everything about you and everything you do.

I love the way you hold my hand while driving

I love every tender kiss

I love the way you smell and the way you style your hair.

I love your manly ego and the loving way you care

I love your sense of style and the closet full of clothes

I love the way you smile and the way your kindness shows.

I love the way you hold me close and cuddle me to sleep.

I love the way you look at me when you have something to say.

I love when you call me baby just because you can.

I love that you love me and are never going to leave

I love everything about you and everything you do.

RICK ALLEN CRISP II, I will love these things and many more until the day I visit heavens door. You are my world, my life, my every thing. I LOVE YOU♥

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is. . .

Music and laughter, stars, moon, and sun,

Everything beautiful made into one,

Sharing and caring, endlessly giving,

Love, in itself, is the reason for living.


It's not easy to put into words the way I feel about you.
All I can say is that the world somehow feels totally right when we are holding each other, and that I somehow feel like a better person when you look into my eyes.
You're the best part of my life, and I love you very much!!

 OUR LOVE

Our Love is that which knows no end
The kind you share with your best friend
The kind of love that stands all time
That's the love that's yours and mine

Our Love is that which others envy
The kind they know true love can be
The kind of love that lasts forever
That's the love that will end never

Our Love is that which was sent by fate
The kind that those who can't have, hate
The kind of love that knows no bounds
That's our love from heaven to the grounds

Our Love is that which soulmates share
The kind that grows with loving care
The kind of love that is forever true
That's the love between me and you.

Our Love is that which knows no end
The kind you share with your best friend
The kind of love that stands all time
That's the love that's yours and mine

PDA + RAC = Always and Forever