IT’S MY WONDERFUL LIFE

I have seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” many times.  I have seen the different knock off shows where someone wonders what things would be like if they didn’t exist.  As I sit alone for the first time on a major holiday, I feel like I don’t exist.  Now, don’t start saying “oh, here he goes again feeling sorry for himself and crying about being alone”.  That is not it at all.  Yes I am alone, yes the tears have been flowing a bit more lately, but not all because of my feelings of being alone, but because of my feelings of trying to fit into this new life.

Recently, a “friend” (who is now a former friend) made some harsh comments about me “being alone”.  It was stated that I am a “pathetic 40 year old man who has no friends” and that the reason I am “alone all the time” is because I am a “whiny drama queen, who has to be the center of attention”.  I know these statements are false, but they really got me to thinking that night.  Do I bring drama into my life by whining about being alone?  Do I not have friends?  Well, I have had much time to think about these questions in the days since those harsh comments were made, and I know the answers. 

No, I am NOT a drama queen who thrives on being the center of attention.  I much prefer letting my friends choose where to go, what to do, and like to watch them have fun.  I receive my joy watching my friends have a good time.  I tend to sacrifice my own desires for those of my friends, because I would rather watch them having fun than being in the action myself.  My true REAL friends know me well enough to know that I do not care to be front and center in any event.  I am perfectly fine sitting back and being a “wall flower”.

I am not alone “all the time”.  I am surrounded by my many friends and wonderful family often.  I seem down and depressed more because when I AM alone, I can not handle it.  I am trying to deal with the feelings of loneliness by staying at my place alone and adjusting to how things are.  Do I enjoy it?  NO, I hate being alone.  Who enjoys being alone?  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some alone time occasionally, but not very often, and not more than a couple of hours.  Days of being alone are not fun for me, but they are often by choice for me.  I have chosen to sit at home alone more lately, to make myself adjust to the times when I must be here without anyone else around. 

My life has taken many interesting twists and turns over the past year, and I am still trying to figure out everything that has happened, and continues to happen.  I am still trying to find my place in this life, and who truly wants to be in it with me.  I am not stupid,  I know there are those who are just “along for the ride” because they are interested in seeing how the ride ends.  Well, I do not see it ending anytime soon, and have already seen some of those “tag-alongs” bail because they can’t handle it.  Those so-called friends who can’t handle that the “gay man” does have a life that does not revolve around all that they do.  That I have some definite plans and clear dreams and desires that do not always fit with their plans. 

Even as I think I start to figure things out for my life, and where it is heading, I am reminded that nothing is definite and set in stone.  I have learned that, even though I have plans and dreams, things can change in an instant and I must slow down and get back to living one day at a time.  The things I think are going to happen this month, may not happen until next month, or things may change and they may not happen at all.  I have those plans and dreams that I hope come through and turn out as expected, but I have had to make myself understand that when plans include other people they have a good chance of turning out differently.  Sometimes when I sit here alone, I have to make myself realize that I only control my part of things, and that there are only a few people whom I can actually trust enough to follow through with plans.  They know who they are, but let me say that my mom, my granny, my sister, my mom2, and my BESTIE, are the only ones who I KNOW will always be here when they say, and do what they say they will do. 

Being alone for this holiday is my choice.  It is already hard and yet, I know I must push through.  I have chosen to stay in the city alone this holiday to prove to myself that I can survive and to make my new life MINE!  I know there are those who don’t understand my need to do this, but I have to make myself stronger.  I have to believe that I can stand alone here in this city, in my new life, and handle the times when I feel I am alone.  I know I am never truly alone, and I know I always have somewhere to go, but I have to work through the feelings I have when my children are with their mom, when my friends have other plans, when I can not be with my family, and when my BESTIE has things to do. 

Found it ironic that my horoscope for today was the following.

“Something is urging you to take action, Libra. You may feel a restlessness in the air that makes you want to get up and go. The problem is the place you need to go may not be obvious at first. Tender emotions may get in the way of decisive action. Realize that your destination is inside your heart. We all go through moody periods. This could be one for you.”

This is definitely one of those moody periods for me, but through all the sad, lonely feelings and tears, I know I am coming out stronger in the end.  I know I am becoming more independent and more self-reliant.  I do not have to have others to pick me up and dost me off to get me back on my feet.  I need myself.  I need to be able to make the decisions about what to do with my time, and not sit around and mope and feel sorry for myself.  I just can’t figure out right now where it is I need to go, what I need to do, or who I need to spend this time with.  I have an idea of what I need to do, what I need to say, and who it is that it should be directed to, but not sure that person is ready to hear it now, if ever.  That is where I need this time to help iron out all the random thoughts and feelings, so that I can start moving the tender emotions out of the way and take decisive action.  That is what I need to figure out so that I can continue on the journey ahead because It’s My Wonderful Life that lies before me.