RANDOM THOUGHTS

As I spent a day alone in the city because of a snow day from school, I found myself having many “random thoughts” about life.  These were not just thoughts about my life, but about life in general.  I decided to sit and compile a few of these thoughts into a post for the blog.  Not that they all, if any, have anything to do with my being gay or living my life in the city, but that these thoughts each came up at a point in the day when there was a change in the air.

As I thought of writing this entry I was going to call it “Deep Thoughts”, but that reminded me of one of the best times of my life sitting and watching Saturday Night Live in Aurora Illinois and waiting to here what Jack Handy had for us on that particular night.  Surely you know what I am referring to, right?  Well here is an example.  “I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex.  What a coincidence!” Thank you, Jack Handy. 

Life is like a snowstorm   

As I watch this snow swirl, I think about my life.  I compare the blowing and swirling of the snow to the tumultuous changes that have so recently taken place in my life.  How each snow flake, whirling around seemingly without purpose, suddenly finds its goal.  Adding to the accumulation of other flakes it begins to create a pile on the frozen ground.  It is at that moment that I was reminded that each “flake” of my life’s tumult, adds to the accumulating pile that will create the purpose of my life.  As I watched the wind blow and move piles into drifts, I see my life’s “flakes” being moved into place.  As the wind dies down and the snow settles into place, I then realize that when things slow down and the flakes settle in my life, I will see the purpose and know the goal.  For now I will just continue to live each day as it comes and stop trying to see the end result before it is time.

In the blink of an eye

Recently a great man, a man of purest integrity, passed away.  No, he was not a family member, not even a friend of mine, but he was just as important as family or friend to my life. I will always remember October 7, 1993 when I received a phone call offering me a teaching position that would lead to the career I have today.  When I accepted the position as a temporary replacement, little did I know then that it would be permanent and I would still be with the same school system today.  Yes, he brought me in fresh out of college and gave me the opportunity of a lifetime.  I owe a great deal to this man.  He and I may not have seen eye-to-eye about everything, but he was an encouraging support when needed, and offered valuable advice where critique might have been utilized by others.  As my career progressed, and he retired, I still had occasion to see him out and about, mostly at his grandsons’ sporting events.  Later I was able to coach one of his younger grandchildren, and he always had kind words to say when we met up at events.  As I look to his recent passing, I know that a great man may have left this earth, but has arrived at his rightful destination and is playing shuffleboard with the King of Kings!

Why me?

As usual, when I sit and think, my thoughts turned to self pity.  Although this was a brief visit by self pity today, it still brought the usual “why me?” along.  Today I sat and started thinking, “why am I the one who has to initiate contact with friends?”  “why is it my fault when communication breaks down and the friendship ends?”  As I pondered these two thoughts, I realized it is only partially my responsibility, and only partially my fault.  I also decided that it is no longer my fault or responsibility when I have made an attempt and that attempt is ignored or disregarded as quickly as it was made.   Once I decided this I decided that it is time to stop trying so hard.  I LOVE my friends, and I love having friends around.  However, I am finding lately that there are only a few others who are as dependent as I on having friends around often.  I am also finding that, maybe, some of my “friends” are not really friends and I should place them in the mere acquaintance grouping, and not look for them to be in contact except through random encounters on the street, or in the halls, or at the mall.  The hard part of this is deciding exactly who from the “fringe” should be moved to the acquaintance group. Thus, not requiring any responsibility of contact from me.  I have already placed one supposed “close friend” there, and it looks like another or two will be moving there soon.  I am responsible for me, and it is not my fault if friendship ends, only my fault for believing it existed in the first place.

Missing

So the last thought lead to this one.  There is one “close friend” who is missing from my life these days.  For months we were inseparable.  We went everywhere together.  People rarely saw one of us without the other.  We even lived together for a while.  I thought he was my best friend, someone whom I could trust with my life, and whom I could always turn to.  Now I find that he does not exist.  He is no longer in my life, and I have not spoken to him or heard from him in weeks.  We had our moments of disagreement, but when we “parted ways”, I thought it was amicable and that we would still be in contact and our friendship, though different, would go on.  I was so wrong.  After many attempts to make contact, and many ignored and disregarded messages, I made the decision to move on without him in my life.  My heart aches when I think of our time together and what I thought we meant to one another.  No we were not “lovers”, but I did love him.  I loved him like a true friend who would take a bullet for another.  I found during the decision to remove him from my life, that I never mattered to him at all.  I was just a stepping stone for him to get where he wanted and to use until he had what he needed, then I was discarded like yesterday’s news.  I still think of him on occasion and wonder what he is up to, wonder if he is putting my bike to good use, wonder if he ever thinks about those months when we were rarely apart.  I cry, then I SLAP myself, because it is not worth dwelling on, or is it?  We may never know.

** Additon 1/23/2011  - Had a random text today.  I have been doing very well, am very happy in my life, and today was punched in the gut with a rondom text.  No, it wasn't a mean text, just random.  Became a 3 or 4 text conversation, well not really conversation.  Then as quickly as it began it abruptly ended with no response.  I was doing well not to remember this friend, or the time we spent together.  Started to think about him out of the blue this week, then had this text from him today.  I am thinking he mistakenly texted me and then felt obligated to reply a couple of times.  I am not sure and, with the suddeness of his disappearance, I may never know.

Why not?

This is only listed because it was a part of my day.  I can not write any description here, because readers who know will not need description.  So I will leave it at that, when the book is published, this topic will take up many chapters and will reveal some true pain and obsession.  Until then, just imagine if you always found yourself wanting what you can never have.