And The Tears Begin To Fall

 

 

As I sit and ponder what this life means

I try to make sense of it all

I find myself visualizing my life's scenes

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I sit and reflect the things of my past

I try to see what all I can recall

I find myself trying to hold emotionally fast

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I talk to myself and try to come up with a plan

I try to make sure there is nothing to stall

I find myself arguing with myself as a man

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I face my journey and take my next step

I try to determine the call

I find myself laughing as I begin the prep

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I look at my life and strive for a peak

I try to search as far down life's hall

I find myself not sure what I seek

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I close out this chapter of my life

I try to make sure I don't bawl

I find myself turning from the strife

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I make myself laugh to cover the sad

I try to pack myself up for the haul

I find myself trying not to be mad

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I turn down the sheets and prepare to sleep

I pray for the Lord to hear the call

I find myself weary as I weep

And the tears begin to fall

 

As I say my prayers and drift into the night

I look for guidance to help me stand tall

I find myself ready for the pending fight

And the tears begin to fall

 

As the tears begin to fall

It is not for lack of  love

But for knowing that through everything I encounter

I have the strength to make it thanks to GOD above.

 

 

Thanksgiving Reflections From Afar

Today, I write from my personal retreat.  I have been gone from home since Monday morning as a way to do some soul searching and relocating of self.  I have made this retreat of my own free will in order to pull myself out of the slump I have been in.  This is intended as a “therapeutic” retreat and it has opened my eyes to much that I seemed to be neglecting or taking for granted in my daily life.  Let me see if I can showcase some of my most enlightening revelations since I arrived here and started the process.

1)      I am so thankful for the amazing support from my family and friends, who have not questioned my need for escape.  Any who knew I was leaving or who have since discovered my absence have been nothing but supportive and encouraging for my healing process.  I am thankful for those who have opened their homes and hearts to me during this time as I seek to find my missing self.  I cannot tell you enough how much your kindness and willingness to allow me in mean to me. You may never know the impact of your generosity on my personal re-discovery.

2)      I have to say I am thankful for my two amazing children.  My boys are wise beyond their years, and more knowledgeable than most adults in situations of life.  However, they are also too involved in adult situations and they need to step back and let adults work out these situations and be the amazing kids they are.  When I came out to my children in the beginning, I knew I was blessed when there was total understanding on their part of my life and the life we would not have because of my lifestyle.   In the years since they have been so supportive of my relationship and anything we ask of them.  They have been through a great deal as 13 year old boys with a gay father who has a younger partner, but they have taken every day in stride and never question what makes us happy.  I have taken their love and knowledge of love for granted.  As I sit here, I wish I had given more validity to their thoughts and feelings as they might have taken me out of my rut before now.

3)      I am so thankful for my amazing partner.  We have had our ups and downs, but we are one another’s best friend and we will always be.  He has been my rock and I have taken his strength for granted instead of thanking him for being the reason I wake up each day and reason I dream at night.  Together we are a strong unit, but that does not mean we are heading down the aisle or into the world of wedded bliss.  We are each searching ourselves to see where the future will lead us as we take this life day by day.  I am thankful for his existence in my life, for all that he provides me mentally and physically as our relationship has grown over the past three years.  Our life may or may not always have us together as “life partners”, but we do know we will always be a part of each other’s lives. 

4)      I am thankful for the family of my partner, who have become the most supportive and encouraging family to me.  They provide for everyone as their own, and they show love to my boys as if they were their own family.  We have come into their lives and they have all accepted us as if we were always part of their lives and always will be. 

5)      As I reflect on my life, I turn to my parents’ impact. Mom and Dad have not always had the smoothest road together, but they have stayed with one another for 44 years in January.  They have always been there when needed, and I recognize how much I have taken their love and support for granted.  I am thankful that they have never turned away from me during my life’s ever changing events. They hurt when I hurt and they cry when I cry.  They tell me when I need to wake up and when I need to take control of things and be strong.  They love me for who I am and stand beside me no matter what life brings my way.

I am finding myself more relaxed than I have been in months, and my mind more clear as well.  I am thankful that the life I have has given me so much and so many to be thankful for each day.  I know my life will not always be easy, and things will not always work out the way I want, but they will work out and I will continue to be blessed by those who are a part of it.  We can never be sure of what the future holds for us, but we must realize that there is a future for us and we need to take one day at a time and seek the best self we can.

As I prepare myself to return home in the coming days, I prepare to return with a clear mind and a more confident sense of self.  I know who I am.  I know that I am a strong man with loving and supportive family and friends.  I know that, no matter what life throws at me, I will rise to the occasion and stand up for me.  I will rise above any who try to hold me down and I will make my life the best I can for me.  I am not being selfish with this statement.  I am being self-confident and ready to take the next day with peace, tranquility, and self-preservation.  I am ready to be me again and do whatever it takes to never lose myself again.