It has been a few months since I have sat down and written anything worth posting. I write quite a bit, but I am either not satisfied with the end result or I cant justify a reason to post. I write about my ups, my downs, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my flaws, my happiness, and my confusions. I just don't know what to publish once they are completed, because I find myself questioning their value, or the effect they may have on individual readers. Because my writings are so personal, I often fear I will upset or hurt someone by what I have written. So I ask myself, "Now what?" What do i do with the endless list of topic ideas, the unpublished posts, and the bottled up emotions I have secretly jotted down as topics in my draft folder?
Now what? Well, I have decided to hold myself accountable to those interested in what I write, what I feel, or what I have to say. To do this I have decided to reveal my folder of rambling unpublished drafts and my constant jumble of emotions. Now what?
Here is the list of unpublished "drafts". Some have been "finished", others only need editing, while a few are in the beginning stages of writing.
- What is the value of LOVE?
- February=Love, Companionship,and Broken Hearts?
- Who is THE ONE?
- I Want To See Me Be Brave.
- Was that a proposal?
- SOME DAY I WILL MARRY?
- When She Came Along.
I struggle daily with a jumble of emotions. Having stared death in the face twice in 2014, I looked for 2015 to rebuild myself. I have gone from the depression of near death and wishing it had just taken me to the exhilaration of being alive and looking forward to the future. I have gone from being "in love" to struggling to know what love really is. I dream of a future full of partnership and being "in love" again, only to fight the reality that love may just be the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. I am blessed to have the support of those closest to me, while imagining having the support of those I used to be close to. My "roller coaster" of emotions leaves me drained and near tears at the end of most days. I fall asleep waiting for dreams to revive my spirit and bring me back, yet I face the nightmares of drowning in the sea of tears left by rejection and the pain of not knowing where I stand or where I am going. I know where I am, but where am I going? I know I have my health back on track, but for how long? I know I am loved, but by whom? I know Where I have been and what I have done, but. . .
