GO-TO FRIEND

So, I supposed I should look at it as a form of flattery, but lately it has been more like “being used”.  I have gotten myself so wrapped up in what everyone else wants and needs, that I have begun to neglect my own needs.  I have become a non-confrontational person lately, and that is not I.  I have started to shy away from saying what I think and letting people know what I feel, and just doing what they ask.  I have stopped saying “NO”, and started allowing myself to be walked all over.

Well, I am tired of it!  I have finally reached the breaking point.  It took the actions of one “friend” to push me there.  However, it is the works of many that have built up to this moment in time.  I will not name names, nor will I list specific events, but I do have a couple of things to say.  I do not write this to upset anyone or make you angry, but I have to get some things off my chest without having a verbal, face-to-face confrontation.  Some of this has been going on for years now and some more recently.  The build-up has reached an intolerable and unbearable level, and I will not take it any longer.

First, I am no longer going to be anyone’s,  “Go-To Friend”.  You know the one friend who you can ignore, blow off, turn away from when he needs help or company, the one who you tell “no” or say, “I’m too busy” to when he asks.  Well, I have been there for my friends because I do not like to ignore text messages nor do I like to be ignored.  I do not like to say no when someone is bored and wants company.  However, lately I am finding that even though I make myself readily available when needed, I cannot seem to find the return favor when I am in need.  I sit alone many times after sending endless texts longing for interaction only to find myself ignored.  I know that people lead busy lives, so why is it that I can find time to make myself available on a moment’s notice and others cannot?  I work all day, I coach, and I have a life other than yours!

Secondly, I am tired of not having a voice.  I know, you are all saying, “what? You express yourself all the time!”  Well that is true, but I do it through writing because I cannot seem to find anyone who will actually listen when I want need to speak.  I find that I can be a part of conversation as long as I do not expect to actually speak.  Many times, I try to start a conversation only to have it taken away and then find that I never did get to say what I had to say. 

Now, those things said, I want to make it clear that this in no way expresses my feeling toward all of my “friends”.  My “true” friends know me well enough to know if this addresses them at all.  Unfortunately, those who need to hear it will either not read it, or they will not recognize themselves in it.  So, be prepared, I will no longer be treated as the gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  I will not be walked all over.  I will not be treated as the “go-to friend” anymore.  Yes, I will still be here for my friends when they “NEED” me, but I will NOT be “USED” without expecting something in return.  That may be wrong to say, but I am truly physically tired and emotionally drained by those whose only purpose in my life lately is for me to be there for them when they do not intend to be here for me.

I love my life, I love my friends, but lately I want a couple of “Go-To Friends” of my own.  Is that too much to ask?

**UPDATE 

I am struggling to find those go to friends.  I guess I should clarify.  I have "go-to-friends" if I want to go 40-50 miles away to go to them.  I just need that one friend who lives nearby and is here for me like I would be for them.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who is here for me as much as he can be, but sometimes I need someone else to talk to.  Someone who I can run to when I need to get away from things here, like the stalker that won't get the hint and go away.  Some days I feel like a prisoner in my apartment because I get afraid to go out and be followed and I have noone up here to run to when I feel trapped. 

I still have those who come to me when they need me, yet are hard to find when I am in need.  Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends, and I am glad I can be here for them when they need me, I just wish when the tables were turned i coulld find them there for me.