Every day something new comes to light
Every day something wrong seems right
Every day the darkness turns to light
When I'm most afraid is every night
I try to smile, make light, and shrug
But out from under me comes the rug
Each new day brings new hope as I try to improve upon the day before. I try to convince myself that the improvements others see is really what is happening with me. As I get stronger and become more confident, fear builds and causes my mind to wander. Just when I think all is moving along smoothly, I stub my toe and see an obstacle that wasn't there before. Just when things seem to be going well, I sense something changing and I start to dwell on the downside again. Every time I find myself happy where I stand, I fear the rug will be pulled out from under me once again.
2014 was the worst year of my life. I suffered pain, agony, sickness, and strife. I found myself knocking on death's door not once, but twice. As I look back to March 2014 I fine the knowledge that my nearly dying was a bit of a choice. I fell ill, and saw that as a way out of the emotional struggle I was facing. I figured I could become ill enough no one would press the issue if I just passed on into the beyond. I was wrong. I found that there were many who would push me to recover and see me through. I climbed out of the darkness and began to realize there is so much more worth living for. I chose to rise out of the pit of despair and make my life whole and new again. I saw my life once again as valuable and began to feel happiness again.
Maybe that is the biggest mistake I make each day, feeling happy. It was once again revealed to me that feelings of happiness must be accompanied by painful trials and excruciating fears. I would still suffer at night from paralyzing nightmares that woke me toward a cautiousness. I found myself distancing myself from many so that I could avoid any chance of more pain. However, I let my guard down again, began to feel happiness again, and BAM! Once again reality slapped me in the face. I had to tackle another life threatening event that still has me recovering. As 2015 came toward an end a stroke left me battling to get myself back among the living.
I am winning the battle, but the war seems endless to me. I entered 2016 hopeful that life would change and happiness would return along with improved health. Boy was that an optimistic thought. My health has improved, for the most part. Aside from some issues with numbness and an abundance of medications, I am starting to feel better. However, I struggle with feeling that I am tired of always relying on others to take care of things that I once took for granted. I am still unable to drive, I struggle walking properly, I have issues with balance, and I once again battle the nightmares.
This time the nightmares are not of drowning, but of falling, failing, and losing. Once I was happy and optimistic about so much of my life. Now I find myself doubting, fearing, and struggling with insecurities. I fear I will never return to my old self. I fear I am never going to be good enough again. I fear I will fall tired of trying again and return to the feelings that lead me to come so close to losing everything a year ago. As I try to overcome the nightmares, I at least have support of true friends, close family, and the love of my life to pull me through. I consider myself lucky in so many ways, and I am trying to regain my mental and physical strength to once again stand on the rug and not allow it to be pulled from older me this time around.
Every day something new comes to light
Every day something wrong seems right
Every day the darkness turns to light
When I'm most afraid is every night
I try to smile, make light, and shrug
This time I will stand strong on that rug.
