IT IS TIME!

It Is Time!

It is time to clarify, explain, initiate, and motivate.  This election cycle has brought about hate, fear, violence, volatility, racism, discrimination, uncertainty, and disrespect.  This is not different than most elections, except this one has brought about an inferred permission to degrade and belittle.  Name calling, protests, marches, and violence have been evident on all sides of this monumental event.  From celebratory gloating and fear filled protests to political divides and angry marches this has become an insane reality we are now living in.  I have stayed out of much conversation on social media in the days since the election, other than my post displaying the hate that was directed at my family.  Today, after reading rants from both sides, overhearing conversations at breakfast, and seeing uncertainty from all corners I have decided to write.  It is time for my friends, family, colleagues, and fellow Americans to stop and think for a moment and prepare to move forward into the new day.

First, I wish to CLARIFY a few things.  Yes, I am angered at the outcome of this election.  Yes, I am fearful of what this new day brings.  However, I have hope that those who truly care about the "bigger picture" will ride up and lead us out of the uncertainty and the challenges that lie ahead.  Have I "unfriended" people from social media during this election cycle?  Most definitely, I have.  These were not due to the election outcome or the person being supported.  No, I have deleted acquaintances, "friends", and even family not for their stance on the election, but for the shear ignorance in their manner of approach and presentation of their support and/or celebration.  I have also deleted some from the same side as myself for the similar ways in which they have chosen to "protest".

Next, let me, in simplest terms, EXPLAIN my feelings of anger and fear.  It has taken me a few days to understand these feelings myself.  At first I felt anger toward those who voted against my opinions and beliefs and feared that the outcome of a Trump presidency would destroy a life I have worked hard to build and maintain as a gay man.  Today, I understand my anger comes from reading and listening to ignorance.  Those who spout and spew hate in the light of this election because that is what is truly in their hearts.  My anger is based in my lack of ability to tolerate and accept this type of rhetoric from anyone.  Hate based through ignorance is a dangerous form of hate.  This type of hate leads to unrest and destruction.  That is where my anger comes from.  I am angry at the ignorance on all sides who use their ignorance as a vehicle of discrimination and destruction.  Once I realized the root of my anger, I began to understand my fear more easily.  I'm not afraid that the government is going to take away my rights to live my life.  I'm not afraid that gay marriage will suffer a set back, although it may for a brief period.  No, my fear isn't in those who have been elected.  My fear comes from the same source as my anger.  I fear the ignorance that is running rampant in the days since the votes, most of them, have been tabulated and a "winner" declared.  I fear that those who practice hate, discrimination, and racism will use this election and a means of approval for their actions.  I fear that the recent note in our home mailbox (which has been reported to the FBI and is under investigation) is only the beginning of an intensified hate toward the LGBT community and other "non-white" minorities.  As an educator, I fear the uneasy feelings of the children in my classroom, because they are frightened by the discrimination and violence in the media.  Yes, these are the fears I have.  So when you post your elitist dominant white "questions" on social media asking what we fear.  Think about what you fear losing most and how people may ignorantly blame you for being out of the societal "norm".  Think about any fears you may have if you were a minority member of society in our nation.

Click to view note in mailbox.

I have decided that the anger and fear that have begun to surge need to act to INITIATE change.  We all need to be the change we expect, without inciting violence and resorting to destruction.  We need to come together and support with pride and optimism whatever lies ahead.  We must take our anger and fear and redirect them into the positives we desire to see from out nation.  We must stop accusing our friends, family, and neighbors of voting one way or another to bring us down.  We must recognize the differences in opinion and fight together against ignorance and intolerance to build one another up instead of tearing one another down.  It is ignorance that all sides need to defeat.  We need to educate and arm one another with knowledge and compassion instead of directing anger and hate toward our fellow Americans.

It is time to MOTIVATE ourselves as individuals in order to begin to motivate the masses toward a peaceful and compassionate coexistence in our nation.  We ,just rise up from the ashes of anger and overcome the burdens of fear to initiate a change and motivate our brothers and sisters to rid our land of ignorance and show compassion and understanding through knowledge and peaceful end education.  We must redirect our angers, hostilities, fears, and intolerance into a peaceful and understanding means of what it truly is to be American.  We must love one another and respect our differences in order to embrace our similarities and reach a common ground.  We should all turn our fears and anger into change and hope for the future.

LOVES, Phil

FEBRUARY=LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, and BROKEN HEARTS??

As February arrived, my hopes soared with a new found sense of comfort.  Things appeared to be heading in the direction of my dreams, with a return to the love that was put on hold in my life.  February always brings feelings of love and hope to me, since I first met the love of my life on February 8, 2011 and we officially started "dating" February 10, 2011.  We celebrate our "Anniversary" on this date and this year was no different.  Love seems to be surrounding us this February with our special dates and Valentine's Day, but I have to remind myself that I must keep my hopes and dreams limited, and I must accept the reality that once these days pass, so too might the feelings of comfort and restoration.

You see, We have had a rough patch the last two years, and lately things have given the appearance that we might weather the storm and return to the days where we shared everything and called one another "partner".  I was reminded on last year's "anniversary" night just how much I show my feelings.  You see, he apparently "slipped" a couple of times and called me "hubby" during the evening and at dinner.  When he said it at dinner, and I of course smiled, he said to me "Don't get your hopes up."  Then I knew, the Love and companionship I was feeling return was more in my mind and heart than in his.  I began to assume that maybe he had moved on from me, from "us", and that the week was just a celebration of our past together.

I love this man with every ounce of my being, have since February 8, 2011, when I saw those eyes sparkle and that smile shine for the first time.  I have since he first said "I Love You" on February 10, 2011, and every day since.  I knew from the beginning we were soulmates, destined to be together and somewhere these past two years I guess I lost sight of that and managed to lose the one who I never thought would leave my side. That is the problem with Love and Companionship, they leave you when you least expect it, and then you find yourself floundering with the dreaded February Broken Heart.

Fast forward to this year, and things appear to be back on track, yet I no longer hear "I am IN love with you".  So, I settle for the "I love you" that I hear several times a day.  Don't get me wrong, I cherish every day and every "I love you", more now that I have conquered death twice, but I long to hear someone tell me that he is "IN love" with me again. As we approach our 5th anniversary together, and our upcoming 5th Valentine's Day together, I remain hopeful yet cautious.  I once thought the ring would be the tie to bind us forever, but I have put that thought away and cherish each moment together as more important than any ring or a a document of law to proclaim out undying love for one another.  I was once ready to be legally married to this man, I still hope to be some day, but I will hold on to all we have in hopes that some day we will both be ready at the same time.

As the coming week closes out with the joys and love of Valentine's Day, I will have another chance to see the Love we share.  I will have this chance as I hope the fears of the bottom dropping out will not result in the awareness that I have been holding onto hope in the light of love and not in the certainty that is reality.  Reality? Yes, the reality that love is a two way street, and, even though he still loves me, he may not bet "in love" with me any more and I must let this new reality be his.  Letting go is the hardest part of any relationship, weather it be letting go of a partner, a lover,, a companion, or love itself.  I hope my fears are just me being paranoid and afraid.  I have hopes that this week might bring us back, and the rings might once again be more than just a symbol for others to see as evidence of our "partnership".  However, I face the reality that I should "not get my hopes up" and I should be prepared for whatever reality brings my way.

I will never stop loving him and I will always want him to be a part of my life.  A year ago I saw that we were approaching the point of being beyond "repair", and I tried not to allow my hopes and dreams continue to cause my heart to break.  We made it through that rough patch and we put ourselves back on a path of  "partnership" that I cherish.  I remain cautiously optimistic that "forever" is still in our future.  But, even so, I celebrate February's role in my life for all the past hopes and dreams, and I look forward to whatever February has to offer me this year.  No matter if it is Love, companionship, or a broken heart, I am prepared.  I have no choice.  I have to be ready for any possibility, and I AM.

Now What?

It has been a few months since I have sat down and written anything worth posting.  I write quite a bit, but I am either not satisfied with the end result or I cant justify a reason to post.  I write about my ups, my downs, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my flaws, my happiness, and my confusions.  I just don't know what to publish once they are completed, because I find myself questioning their value, or the effect they may have on individual readers.  Because my writings are so personal, I often fear I will upset or hurt someone by what I have written.  So I ask myself, "Now what?"  What do i do with the endless list of topic ideas, the unpublished posts, and the bottled up emotions I have secretly jotted down as topics in my draft folder?

Now what?  Well, I have decided to hold myself accountable to those interested in what I write, what I feel, or what I have to say.  To do this I have decided to reveal my folder of rambling unpublished drafts and my constant jumble of emotions.  Now what?

Here is the list of unpublished "drafts".  Some have been "finished", others only need editing, while a few are in the beginning stages of writing.

• What is the value of LOVE?

• February=Love, Companionship,and Broken Hearts?

• Who is THE ONE?

• I Want To See Me Be Brave.

• Was that a proposal?

• SOME DAY I WILL MARRY?

• When She Came Along.

I struggle daily with a jumble of emotions.  Having stared death in the face twice in 2014, I looked for 2015 to rebuild myself.  I have gone from the depression of near death and wishing it had just taken me to the exhilaration of being alive and looking forward to the future.  I have gone from being "in love" to struggling to know what love really is.  I dream of a future full of partnership and being "in love" again, only to fight the reality that love may just be the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  I am blessed to have the support of those closest to me, while imagining having the support of those I used to be close to.  My "roller coaster" of emotions leaves me drained and near tears at the end of most days.  I fall asleep waiting for dreams to revive my spirit and bring me back, yet I face the nightmares of drowning in the sea of tears left by rejection and the pain of not knowing where I stand or where I am going.  I know where I am, but where am I going?  I know I have my health back on track, but for how long?  I know I am loved, but by whom? I know Where I have been and what I have done, but. . .