MY CITY WINDOW

I sit here and look to the south. I see the towering skyline of my downtown. The city I have come to love as “home” and as the residence of my wonderful life. As I watch the traffic flow to the city and see the pedestrian traffic, I wonder how many of them have the same thoughts and questions as I. The view to the south is the best view from my city window, and it allows me the opportunity to peer into the city and suppose.

I suppose that each member of the family in the BMW passing by has their own questions about their daily lives. Is everything they are being told by the ones they love truthful? Are they going to survive the next two months financially? I am certain that the couple crossing the street questions weather or not it is true love that they feel, or just a flutter of nervousness about their new relationship. The young man on the bicycle is probably trying to decide if what he has done today was worth it, or if it was just another day’s time wasted for nothing.

Yes, as I sit her and look down the street from my fifth floor apartment I find myself asking these same questions about my loved ones, about my love life, and about the things I have done during the day. I am so happy in my life here in the city, but I struggle daily with the same questions as the people passing by. I wonder how much of what I hear during a typical day has been truth and how much of it has been falsified for my benefit. I have been lied to in my lifetime, and this makes trust difficult. I do not like to distrust anyone, but sometimes things just seem too good to be true. Sometimes I am hesitant to believe because I do not know for sure how to trust. I love my family and friends, but sometimes I question what I am being told because I feel like they are afraid the truth would be too much for me to handle. Well, I would rather deal with hard truths, than find out something has been a lie and I have had no way to prepare for the truth.
I wonder daily how I am going to survive financially now that I am once again living here alone with no “roomate income” to help pay the bills. I know I can make it, and I know I can find a way to survive until certain changes take place to make things more financially secure, but I still worry that this struggle will bring me to sacrifice myself and my new life just to stay afloat. I worry that I can not provide things for my loved ones the way I could if my finances were in a better place. But I am sure that those I see driving by are battling some of the same monetary demons as I.

As I sit here watching the couple crossing the street, I think about my own relationship and have to go down that road. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, but is it true love in the sense that this is the one? We talk about long term, we talk about the future, as all couples do in the beginnings of serious relationships, but then I sit alone looking out this window and I wonder if it is real. How do we know? When does it become clear? Yes, I look out this window and know that those other couples out there are having the same struggles within themselves, and that we all go through the times when we question everything about our relationship to determine if it has been real from the beginning, and if it will be till the end.
Then there is that ultimate question at the end of the day. As the young man on his bicycle returns home from his daily tasks, he wonders if it was worth it or just a waste of time that he will never get back. I have done a great deal of thinking on this subject lately . Is anything I do during the day worth doing, or is it just a waste of time that I will never get back. Without going into great detail, there are times lately that I have done things with others and wondered, what for. Why did I do that? Why was that necessary to my day? What is the benefit for me? Yes, that is selfish, but sometimes I do wonder what my benefit is from the things I do with or for others. In the end is it worth it? Is it worth spending the time and effort on these daily tasks, or are they simply a waste of time, time that I will never get back?

As I sit her and ponder life’s questions, looking out my city window, I know that I am better off today than I was yesterday, and I will be better yet tomorrow. I know that I am loved by family and friends, and any falseness from them is their way of trying to protect me and keep me safe. I know that these financial woes will turn around and things will look up and the struggle will become less soon, as an economic balance comes to my life. I know the love I have for my guy is the same as the love he has for me. I know that the plans we have for the future are going to come to fruition as we continue on our journey together. He is the love of my life and my ultimate source of support and encouragement. As for the time I devote to the daily tasks in my life, I know they are worth it. It may be time I am not going to get back, but it is time well spent and worth every minute.


I am happy in my life, and I continue to realize more about my self daily. I know more about who I am each day, and I find that knowing myself makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. I challenge each of you to find your “city window”, ponder your life’s questions, and find yourself. You may not find all the answers, but you will find out more about yourself as you search your inner self. I assure you that finding yourself is worth all the effort you put into it, because it is not until you know yourself that others can truly know you as well.