THE RUG

Every day something new comes to light

Every day something wrong seems right

Every day the darkness turns to light

When I'm most afraid is every night

I try to smile, make light, and shrug

But out from under me comes the rug

Each new day brings new hope as I try to improve upon the day before. I try to convince myself that the improvements others see is really what is happening with me. As I get stronger and become more confident, fear builds and causes my mind to wander.  Just when I think all is moving along smoothly, I stub my toe and see an obstacle that wasn't there before.  Just when things seem to be going well, I sense something changing and I start to dwell on the downside again.  Every time I find myself happy where I stand, I fear the rug will be pulled out from under me once again.

2014 was the worst year of my life.  I suffered pain, agony, sickness, and strife.  I found myself knocking on death's door not once, but twice.  As I look back to March 2014 I fine the knowledge that my nearly dying was a bit of a choice.  I fell ill, and saw that as a way out of the emotional struggle I was facing.  I figured I could become ill enough no one would press the issue if I just passed on into the beyond.  I was wrong.  I found that there were many who would push me to recover and see me through.  I climbed out of the darkness and began to realize there is so much more worth living for.  I chose to rise out of the pit of despair and make my life whole and new again.  I saw my life once again as valuable and began to feel happiness again.

Maybe that is the biggest mistake I make each day, feeling happy.  It was once again revealed to me that feelings of happiness must be accompanied by painful trials and excruciating fears.  I would still suffer at night from paralyzing nightmares that woke me toward a cautiousness.  I found myself distancing myself from many so that I could avoid any chance of more pain.  However, I let my guard down again, began to feel happiness again, and BAM!  Once again reality slapped me in the face.  I had to tackle another life threatening event that still has me recovering.  As 2015 came toward an end a stroke left me battling to get myself back among the living.  

I am winning the battle, but the war seems endless to me.  I entered 2016 hopeful that life would change and happiness would return along with improved health.  Boy was that an optimistic thought.  My health has improved, for the most part.  Aside from some issues with numbness and an abundance of medications, I am starting to feel better.  However, I struggle with feeling that I am tired of always relying on others to take care of things that I once took for granted.  I am still unable to drive, I struggle walking properly, I have issues with balance, and I once again battle the nightmares.  

This time the nightmares are not of drowning, but of falling, failing, and losing. Once I was happy and optimistic about so much of my life.  Now I find myself doubting, fearing, and struggling with insecurities.  I fear I will never return to my old self.  I fear I am never going to be good enough again.  I fear I will fall tired of trying again and return to the feelings that lead me to come so close to losing everything a year ago.  As I try to overcome the nightmares, I at least have support of true friends, close family, and the love of my life to pull me through.  I consider myself lucky in so many ways, and I am trying to regain my mental and physical strength to once again stand on the rug and not allow it to be pulled from older me this time around.

Every day something new comes to light

Every day something wrong seems right

Every day the darkness turns to light

When I'm most afraid is every night

I try to smile, make light, and shrug

This time I will stand strong on that rug.

WHO HAS A DREAM?

It was a normal evening sitting at home watching television when my phone vibrated and a proud moment arrived.

On Tuesday, January 27 2015, at 10:16pm I received an email from the Language Arts teacher of one of my sons.  

Tears of pride filled my eyes as I read these words.

"Dear Mr. Arnold,

I hope this message finds you well.  I wanted to send you a note about how proud I am of Trey.  He did an amazing job writing and presenting his I Have a Dream speech to the class on Friday.  I'm not sure if he shared it with you, but I hope he will.  I know he spoke from his heart, and made an impact on so many people.  He struggled with some emotions, but that just showed how compassionate he felt.  You have a wonderful son, and it has been a real pleasure to have him in class this year.

Fondly,

K"

The next day my son messaged me and asked if I would like him to send his speech to me.  This became the second proud moment of the week.  As I read the words my fourteen year old son had spoken to his classmates, I was overcome with emotion.  I imagine it would have been even more emotional had I actually heard him give the speech.  

The following is the speech that was written by my fourteen year old son that has given me a stronger sense of pride than I have felt in a while.

I Have a Dream

By: "T"

I have a dream that one day this nation will accept people for who they are.

I have a dream that one day the world will be a better place. People will treat everyone around the world with the respect they have desperately deserved for so long

I have a dream that one day individuals who are gay will finally have the respect and equality they have deserved for years. I will avoid the places that do not support gay rights and marriage.

I have a dream that one day marriage for any sexual orientation will be legal in any state and any country.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream today that one day my father and his partner will be able to reunite with his family who has pushed him out of their lives. I haven’t seen my aunt and uncle in 2 years because they don’t approve of his sexual orientation.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day everyone will be able to be in the pursuit of happiness. The Martin Luther King Jr. speech of equality for African Americans is the horrible beast that is now the discriminating against individuals who are gay today.

This is my faith. With this faith we will be able to have the Individuals who are gay and the individuals who are straight be treated equally.

I have two amazing sons, who never cease to amaze me.  They are both so full of love and compassion, and they both truly understand more about this life than I ever imagined they would at the age of fourteen.  I can only hope that, as they grow up, they will continue to share their love and compassion with others to show the positives in this world without letting the negatives bring them down.

New Year, New Me, New Life

2015 looks to bring a lot of change to my life.  Yes, it is the beginning of a new year, but it is already shaping up to be so much more than that for me.

As 2013 came to close, I looked ahead to 2014 with cautious optimism.  Then I woke up on January 1 and found myself needing more caution and feeling less optimism.  I found that I was over being the guy who worked to keep things peaceful and make everyone else around me happy, while I was falling apart myself.  Then 2014 saw two major health scares that nearly brought my life to a halt. March brought hospital stay number one, then December found another hospital stay. There was even a visit to the emergency room in between.

I found myself staring death in the face in March as pneumonia put me in a coma, left me hospitilized for 37 days, and months of recovery ahead.  It also showed me how my real friends rallied around to uplift and support me during my lengthy recovery.  By June I was back to my self with minimal risidual effects from the illness that nearly took me away.  Experiencing this type of illness, the return from a coma, and the months of therapy, made me realize I can overcome most anything.

After recovering we took a much needed family vacation to Florida.  We enjoyed family time with a renewed sense of life and what life holds for all of us.  We began to work on strengthening our family unit and working on more time to spend together with less interruptions.

Then, BAM!!  December 18 I was hit with a stroke. This gave me another chance to see that I am not invincible and that life can take so many unexpected turns in a short period of time.  I am still in the midst of this latest recovery, but I am determined to return to myself and take on the future with whatever it has to throw my way.  I am gearing up for the year ahead with plans of advancing myself, my family, and my career.  I vowed in April that I would not be defeated, and I am even more committed today to what lies ahead.  I will proceed with caution but with a renewed sense of optimism that will not see me fail.

As 2015 takes shape, I plan to recover my health, advance my aspirations, and see my family stronger than last year.  Together we will all be more successful as long as we all work together to inspire, support, and encourage one another from day one.  So, as this new year begins, I vow to fight for things that are important and stay committed to the relationships that make me who I am.  Fight has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and you need to get on board with what it means or get out of the way because I do not plan to give up or stop any time soon.