Why Your Health Matters To Me

If you have known me longer than 7 years, then you have most likely heard my story.  If you have not, you can read about it here, Nightmare.  My nightmare has brought about a constant fear of any illness that may affect my lungs and respiratory system.  When this virus began to appear, I started to live in fear of catching it.  As someone with a compromised respiratory system, every cough, sneeze, drip, and irritation causes me to worry.  Not just my own symptoms, but anyone who is near me with any of these causes me to want to run and hide.

I watch as people protest and whine about Stay-at-Home orders and the "violations" of their freedoms.  It sickens me that so many disregard this illness as something to be scoffed at and ignored because it "isn't going to get them" or they "think it is just a hoax to scare people".  This is outrageous.  Our government screwed up, but we have been given the knowledge and the tools to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.  We must stay clean, wear face coverings, be aware of how this virus adversely affects our fellow men and women, and follow Stay-Home fiercely.

You may wonder why I don't go anywhere, except for an occasional car ride for a change of scenery, well it is because I fear your lack of concern for others.  I do not believe everyone has a total disregard for the health of others, but I see it in those who "have to get out", "have to party", and "must see their people".  This is why your health matters to me.  

I do not want to run into you at the store without your mask, so I STAY HOME.  I do not want to be exposed to this virus because you do not see the benefits of practicing safe social distancing.  I do not want to catch this virus and go through the agony anything like i went through six years ago.  

I am not angry with you because you do what you feel you "need to get out".  I am not angry that you do not see how the Executive Orders and Social Distancing guidelines "benefit" you.  I am not angry about any of this at all.  I am, however, saddened and disappointed.  I am saddened that, as much as you mean to me, my health means little to you.  I am disappointed that you feel like grabbing a beer, having a gathering, or getting out of the house are more important the lives you may unknowingly put in jeopardy.

You see, just because you may not have the symptoms, you still could be carrying the virus and spreading it to those more susceptible to the attack.  My body, my parents bodies, the bodies of others who have compromised immune and respiratory systems are put in danger every time we are in contact with someone who is "perfectly fine" because they have no symptoms.  Until everyone is tested, we will not know who might be bringing the deadly invader into our presence.  So if I am hesitant to interact and "Socialize" please do not be angry and upset with me.  Please understand I am taking things seriously because I have been in a hospital bed drowning inside my own body and I DO NOT want to ever feel like that again.  Until this virus is slowed and a vaccine is found, I will continue to be fearful and diligent in my self-care.  I love my people and I am not usually as fearful of an illness, but this virus is deadly with its adverse affects on the respiratory system.  Please know that I am not angry, just extra cautious.  I ask that you not be angry or upset with me if I choose to continue a safe distance and keep myself safe.  This is why YOUR health matters to ME.  Because I do not want anyone to suffer the pain and agony that comes with this and I do not want to feel anything near what I felt six years ago ever again.

Anniversary of a Nightmare, Revisited

Where do I begin?  I have a feeling this post will be offensive to some and, quite frankly, I don't care.  Five years ago I was on death's doorstep, in a coma, fighting to breathe, and drowning in my own body.  This March has become n emotional month for me every year since, with the memories of where I had been and how far I have come.  Facebook takes over each year at this time and startts showing me memories that I never even knew existed, or had only seen once briefly a year after.  These were posts from people during my darkest hours that I may have seen for the first time three years after the nightmare occurred, and now every March since.

Things started this week, as usual, when a couple of posts reminded me that it all began March 6, 2014 when breathing became so labored and I had to be taken to the hospital.  The couple of posts from that night five years ago were enough to stir the emotions and cause the tears to begin flowing.  Seeing posts that reminded me of events I vaguely remembered (the last memories I have before the long 37 day ordeal) started this "anniversary" of memories.

There were the usual posts of prayer and concern from family, friends, and even strangers to show how so many were pulling for me to recover.  Those posts make me cry tears of joy, knowing the love and concern that was being expressed.  There have been so many, and will continue to be until mid-April when I was finally sent home and posts returned to "normal".  However that brings me to another group of posts.

What is a return to "normal"?  There were so many posts from those closest to me in my life, best friends and family.  Posts that expressed love and concern beyond my healing.  Posts that made promises, or hinted at promises.  These promises took many forms from things being different to renewed commitment and stronger bonds.  These posts are the ones that tend to bring the most painful tears.  The posts themselves don't hurt as much as the broken promises and dead love they seem to portray even now, five years later.  Where did you go?  Where did I fail you?  You prayed, cried, pulled for me to wake up and come back.  

I did come back. I woke up from that horrible nightmare only to face months of nightmares of drowning and falling every night.  As those terrible dreams faded away, so did more of the promises and my hope. I am now, five years removed from a near death nightmare, recovered from most of the frightening dreams, only to be thrown into yet another nightmare situation.  As I read and re-read posts from 2014, I fear The future even more.  I am not sure how much more my mind can take.  

I am not sure why I woke up and came back.  However, I am certain it wasn't so that I could suffer the never ending cycle of broken promises, lost "friends", and never intended commitments.  So, I ask again, where did you go.  Maybe that's not the best question.  Maybe the real question should be WHY did you go?  Why did you pull me out of one nightmare just to cast me into another.  Why did you promise change and commitment only to run away or pull away in fear?  Why do you remain hidden or indifferent five years removed?

I don't ask these because I am angry.  I ask because I am hurt that those promises faded away and no true commitments came out of those.  Don't beat yourself up over the answers to this, just think about what you might have done a year later to keep these feelings of loss and despair from coming out five years later leading to another "nightmare" and do what you can to assure those same false promises and misleading commitments don't haunt someone else if ever you are faced with a similar situation again.

I love all who pulled me from the pit of death, but I often wonder why you did it.  Was it for me to live the repeated nightmares, or was it for you to clear your conscience and conquer your own fears.  Broken promises and misleading commitments are not pleasant reminders of my return to the living.  They are painful reminders of lost hope and future nightmares.

This post was originally written ion the three year anniversary of the nightmare. When March arrives each year so do the reminders.  I love all of my family and friends.  I cherish every memory, good and bad, and I value every lesson learned.  Cherish every moment with those you hold dear, and take care not to bring hurt through broken promises and failed commitments.

LOVES

I Want To See Me Be Brave

What is bravery? What does it take to be courageous? Interesting questions I find myself pondering as my life prepares for a turn I never anticipated.  I thought I had found my forever love, my soulmate, and that was all I would need to get through the daily grind.  Well, that seems to have been a dream that has come to an end and I find myself battling every emotion possible while trying to be brave and prepare to move on to a single life once more.

I am not sure how I am surviving this transition, but I am.  I am surviving because I always rise above.  I am surviving because I force myself once again to step out of my comfort zone and get out and live.  I also know I survive because, even though the man I believed to be my forever partner has moved on, I have good friends and supportive family who will never leave my side. 

The first step for me, in being brave, was to accept that this six year relationship had run its course and it was time to let go of the hopes and dreams of the future I once imagine.  The second step was agreeing to part ways amicably and promise to remain friends and always be in one another's lives as such.  The third step was to tell the boys that we were going our "separate ways" and letting them be apart of the "break-up" process.  Next, together we put out a joint "statement" on social media that we we had mutually agreed to part ways. 

Our Statement on Social Media

All of these steps have prepared me to take the next step and begin the process of "moving on".  This step has not been easy, and I continue to stumble over my emotions.  However, I know it is a necessary step in order to begin writing the story of my future.  I am stronger now than I once was.  I am more ready today, than yesterday.  I am more brave now than I have been in a long time.  Looking back on my journey through this blog, I know I have been brave in the past, I realize I am brave now, and I am confident I will be brave enough to continue this journey once again.  I am confident, because I want to see me be brave and conquer my new fears and make new dreams become realities. 

LISTEN TO BRAVE HERE

I know this is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is just a small obstacle on the pathway to my new future.  I welcome all who wish to join this journey to look over my older posts, and decide if you are willing to be a part of whatever crazy ride this roller-coaster life of mine decides to take. 

Anniversary of a Nightmare

Where do I begin?  I have a feeling this post will be offensive to some and, quite frankly, I don't care.  Three years ago I was on death's doorstep, in a coma, fighting to breathe, and drowning in my own body.  This month has become an emotional week with the memories of where I had been and how far I have come.  Facebook took over and started showing me memories that I never even knew existed, or had only seen once briefly a year after.  These were posts from people during my darkest hours that I may just now be seeing for the first time three years after the nightmare occurred.  

Things started this week when a couple of posts reminded me that it all began March 6, 2014 when breathing became so labored and I had to be taken to the hospital.  The couple of posts from that night two years ago were enough to stir the emotions and cause the tears to begin flowing.  Seeing posts that reminded me of events I vaguely remembered (the last memories I have before the long 37 day ordeal) started this "anniversary" of memories.

There were the usual posts of prayer and concern from family, friends, and even strangers to show how so many were pulling for me to recover.  Those posts make me cry tears of joy, knowing the love and concern that was being expressed.  There have been so many, and will continue to be until mid-April when I was finally sent home and posts returned to "normal".  However that brings me to another group of posts.

What is a return to "normal"?  There were so many posts from those closest to me in my life, best friends and family.  Posts that expressed love and concern beyond my healing.  Posts that made promises, or hinted at promises.  These promises took many forms from things being different to renewed commitment and stronger bonds.  These posts are the ones that tend to bring the most painful tears.  The posts themselves don't hurt as much as the broken promises and dead love they seem to portray three years later.  Where did you go?  Where did I fail you?  You prayed, cried, pulled for me to wake up and come back.  

I did come back. I woke up from that horrible nightmare only to face months of nightmares of drowning and falling every night.  As those terrible dreams faded away, so did more of the promises and my hope. I am now, three years removed from a near death nightmare, recovered from most of the frightening dreams, only to be thrown into yet another nightmare situation.  As I read and re-read posts from 2014, I fear 2017 and beyond even more.  I am not sure how much more my mind can take.  

I am not sure why I woke up and came back.  However, I am certain it wasn't so that I could suffer the never ending cycle of broken promises, lost "friends", and never intended commitments.  So, I ask again, where did you go.  Maybe that's not the best question.  Maybe the real question should be WHY did you go?  Why did you pull me out of one nightmare just to cast me into another.  Why did you promise change and commitment only to run away or pull away in fear?  

I don't ask these because I am angry.  I ask because I am hurt that those promises faded away and no true commitments came out of those.  Don't beat yourself up over the answers to this, just think about what you might have done a year later to keep these feelings of loss and despair from coming out three years later leading to another "nightmare" and do what you can to assure those same false promises and misleading commitments don't haunt someone else if ever you are faced with a similar situation again.

I love all who pulled me from the pit of death, but I often wonder why you did it.  Was it for me to live the repeated nightmares, or was it for you to clear your conscience and conquer your own fears.  Broken promises and misleading commitments are not pleasant reminders of my return to the living.  They are painful reminders of lost hope and future nightmares.

Fork In The Road

Fork In The Road

Is this the fork in the road

The one where you have to choose

Take the one less traveled on

Or chance the other and lose

Is this the star up in the sky

The one you wish upon

Make a wish and let things go

Or see things once they are gone

Is this the dream, you know the dream

The one that your heart makes

Dream your dream for all you hope

Or see how your soul breaks

Is this the wish you hope for

The one upon that star

Wish it now and give your all

Or see it shoot afar

Take the fork and follow that star

It's all there for you to do

Dream your dreams and wish your wish

For there's something somewhere for you

IT IS TIME!

It Is Time!

It is time to clarify, explain, initiate, and motivate.  This election cycle has brought about hate, fear, violence, volatility, racism, discrimination, uncertainty, and disrespect.  This is not different than most elections, except this one has brought about an inferred permission to degrade and belittle.  Name calling, protests, marches, and violence have been evident on all sides of this monumental event.  From celebratory gloating and fear filled protests to political divides and angry marches this has become an insane reality we are now living in.  I have stayed out of much conversation on social media in the days since the election, other than my post displaying the hate that was directed at my family.  Today, after reading rants from both sides, overhearing conversations at breakfast, and seeing uncertainty from all corners I have decided to write.  It is time for my friends, family, colleagues, and fellow Americans to stop and think for a moment and prepare to move forward into the new day.

First, I wish to CLARIFY a few things.  Yes, I am angered at the outcome of this election.  Yes, I am fearful of what this new day brings.  However, I have hope that those who truly care about the "bigger picture" will ride up and lead us out of the uncertainty and the challenges that lie ahead.  Have I "unfriended" people from social media during this election cycle?  Most definitely, I have.  These were not due to the election outcome or the person being supported.  No, I have deleted acquaintances, "friends", and even family not for their stance on the election, but for the shear ignorance in their manner of approach and presentation of their support and/or celebration.  I have also deleted some from the same side as myself for the similar ways in which they have chosen to "protest".

Next, let me, in simplest terms, EXPLAIN my feelings of anger and fear.  It has taken me a few days to understand these feelings myself.  At first I felt anger toward those who voted against my opinions and beliefs and feared that the outcome of a Trump presidency would destroy a life I have worked hard to build and maintain as a gay man.  Today, I understand my anger comes from reading and listening to ignorance.  Those who spout and spew hate in the light of this election because that is what is truly in their hearts.  My anger is based in my lack of ability to tolerate and accept this type of rhetoric from anyone.  Hate based through ignorance is a dangerous form of hate.  This type of hate leads to unrest and destruction.  That is where my anger comes from.  I am angry at the ignorance on all sides who use their ignorance as a vehicle of discrimination and destruction.  Once I realized the root of my anger, I began to understand my fear more easily.  I'm not afraid that the government is going to take away my rights to live my life.  I'm not afraid that gay marriage will suffer a set back, although it may for a brief period.  No, my fear isn't in those who have been elected.  My fear comes from the same source as my anger.  I fear the ignorance that is running rampant in the days since the votes, most of them, have been tabulated and a "winner" declared.  I fear that those who practice hate, discrimination, and racism will use this election and a means of approval for their actions.  I fear that the recent note in our home mailbox (which has been reported to the FBI and is under investigation) is only the beginning of an intensified hate toward the LGBT community and other "non-white" minorities.  As an educator, I fear the uneasy feelings of the children in my classroom, because they are frightened by the discrimination and violence in the media.  Yes, these are the fears I have.  So when you post your elitist dominant white "questions" on social media asking what we fear.  Think about what you fear losing most and how people may ignorantly blame you for being out of the societal "norm".  Think about any fears you may have if you were a minority member of society in our nation.

Click to view note in mailbox.

I have decided that the anger and fear that have begun to surge need to act to INITIATE change.  We all need to be the change we expect, without inciting violence and resorting to destruction.  We need to come together and support with pride and optimism whatever lies ahead.  We must take our anger and fear and redirect them into the positives we desire to see from out nation.  We must stop accusing our friends, family, and neighbors of voting one way or another to bring us down.  We must recognize the differences in opinion and fight together against ignorance and intolerance to build one another up instead of tearing one another down.  It is ignorance that all sides need to defeat.  We need to educate and arm one another with knowledge and compassion instead of directing anger and hate toward our fellow Americans.

It is time to MOTIVATE ourselves as individuals in order to begin to motivate the masses toward a peaceful and compassionate coexistence in our nation.  We ,just rise up from the ashes of anger and overcome the burdens of fear to initiate a change and motivate our brothers and sisters to rid our land of ignorance and show compassion and understanding through knowledge and peaceful end education.  We must redirect our angers, hostilities, fears, and intolerance into a peaceful and understanding means of what it truly is to be American.  We must love one another and respect our differences in order to embrace our similarities and reach a common ground.  We should all turn our fears and anger into change and hope for the future.

LOVES, Phil

FEBRUARY=LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, and BROKEN HEARTS??

As February arrived, my hopes soared with a new found sense of comfort.  Things appeared to be heading in the direction of my dreams, with a return to the love that was put on hold in my life.  February always brings feelings of love and hope to me, since I first met the love of my life on February 8, 2011 and we officially started "dating" February 10, 2011.  We celebrate our "Anniversary" on this date and this year was no different.  Love seems to be surrounding us this February with our special dates and Valentine's Day, but I have to remind myself that I must keep my hopes and dreams limited, and I must accept the reality that once these days pass, so too might the feelings of comfort and restoration.

You see, We have had a rough patch the last two years, and lately things have given the appearance that we might weather the storm and return to the days where we shared everything and called one another "partner".  I was reminded on last year's "anniversary" night just how much I show my feelings.  You see, he apparently "slipped" a couple of times and called me "hubby" during the evening and at dinner.  When he said it at dinner, and I of course smiled, he said to me "Don't get your hopes up."  Then I knew, the Love and companionship I was feeling return was more in my mind and heart than in his.  I began to assume that maybe he had moved on from me, from "us", and that the week was just a celebration of our past together.

I love this man with every ounce of my being, have since February 8, 2011, when I saw those eyes sparkle and that smile shine for the first time.  I have since he first said "I Love You" on February 10, 2011, and every day since.  I knew from the beginning we were soulmates, destined to be together and somewhere these past two years I guess I lost sight of that and managed to lose the one who I never thought would leave my side. That is the problem with Love and Companionship, they leave you when you least expect it, and then you find yourself floundering with the dreaded February Broken Heart.

Fast forward to this year, and things appear to be back on track, yet I no longer hear "I am IN love with you".  So, I settle for the "I love you" that I hear several times a day.  Don't get me wrong, I cherish every day and every "I love you", more now that I have conquered death twice, but I long to hear someone tell me that he is "IN love" with me again. As we approach our 5th anniversary together, and our upcoming 5th Valentine's Day together, I remain hopeful yet cautious.  I once thought the ring would be the tie to bind us forever, but I have put that thought away and cherish each moment together as more important than any ring or a a document of law to proclaim out undying love for one another.  I was once ready to be legally married to this man, I still hope to be some day, but I will hold on to all we have in hopes that some day we will both be ready at the same time.

As the coming week closes out with the joys and love of Valentine's Day, I will have another chance to see the Love we share.  I will have this chance as I hope the fears of the bottom dropping out will not result in the awareness that I have been holding onto hope in the light of love and not in the certainty that is reality.  Reality? Yes, the reality that love is a two way street, and, even though he still loves me, he may not bet "in love" with me any more and I must let this new reality be his.  Letting go is the hardest part of any relationship, weather it be letting go of a partner, a lover,, a companion, or love itself.  I hope my fears are just me being paranoid and afraid.  I have hopes that this week might bring us back, and the rings might once again be more than just a symbol for others to see as evidence of our "partnership".  However, I face the reality that I should "not get my hopes up" and I should be prepared for whatever reality brings my way.

I will never stop loving him and I will always want him to be a part of my life.  A year ago I saw that we were approaching the point of being beyond "repair", and I tried not to allow my hopes and dreams continue to cause my heart to break.  We made it through that rough patch and we put ourselves back on a path of  "partnership" that I cherish.  I remain cautiously optimistic that "forever" is still in our future.  But, even so, I celebrate February's role in my life for all the past hopes and dreams, and I look forward to whatever February has to offer me this year.  No matter if it is Love, companionship, or a broken heart, I am prepared.  I have no choice.  I have to be ready for any possibility, and I AM.

Now What?

It has been a few months since I have sat down and written anything worth posting.  I write quite a bit, but I am either not satisfied with the end result or I cant justify a reason to post.  I write about my ups, my downs, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my flaws, my happiness, and my confusions.  I just don't know what to publish once they are completed, because I find myself questioning their value, or the effect they may have on individual readers.  Because my writings are so personal, I often fear I will upset or hurt someone by what I have written.  So I ask myself, "Now what?"  What do i do with the endless list of topic ideas, the unpublished posts, and the bottled up emotions I have secretly jotted down as topics in my draft folder?

Now what?  Well, I have decided to hold myself accountable to those interested in what I write, what I feel, or what I have to say.  To do this I have decided to reveal my folder of rambling unpublished drafts and my constant jumble of emotions.  Now what?

Here is the list of unpublished "drafts".  Some have been "finished", others only need editing, while a few are in the beginning stages of writing.

• What is the value of LOVE?

• February=Love, Companionship,and Broken Hearts?

• Who is THE ONE?

• I Want To See Me Be Brave.

• Was that a proposal?

• SOME DAY I WILL MARRY?

• When She Came Along.

I struggle daily with a jumble of emotions.  Having stared death in the face twice in 2014, I looked for 2015 to rebuild myself.  I have gone from the depression of near death and wishing it had just taken me to the exhilaration of being alive and looking forward to the future.  I have gone from being "in love" to struggling to know what love really is.  I dream of a future full of partnership and being "in love" again, only to fight the reality that love may just be the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  I am blessed to have the support of those closest to me, while imagining having the support of those I used to be close to.  My "roller coaster" of emotions leaves me drained and near tears at the end of most days.  I fall asleep waiting for dreams to revive my spirit and bring me back, yet I face the nightmares of drowning in the sea of tears left by rejection and the pain of not knowing where I stand or where I am going.  I know where I am, but where am I going?  I know I have my health back on track, but for how long?  I know I am loved, but by whom? I know Where I have been and what I have done, but. . .

HOPES

HOPES

Hopes are dreams that may never come true

Hopes are dreams of my life with you

Hopes are dreams you hate to share

Only get them up if you dare

Hopes are wishes carried in the heart

Hopes are wishes not to depart

Hopes are wishes beyond compare

Only get them up if you dare 

Hopes can make you happy or make you sad

Hopes can make you smile or make you mad

Hopes can make you grin or make you glare

Only get them up if you dare 

Be careful of the hopes you keep

Be careful hopes may make you weep

Be careful of hopes and be aware

Don't get them up unless you dare

Sometimes we go through life living on our hopes, but we also need to be cautious what we place our hopes in.  We must always be on the lookout for those hopes that are place in the wrong actions, places, or people.  When we get out hopes up and think things are perfect, we tend to let our defenses down and end up finding more pain than happiness.  I have learned to be cautious of my misplaced hopes, yest sometimes I still fall into the trap of becoming too comfortable and happy and realize I have gotten my hopes up too high and need to bring myself back to reality.  My reality is that I have been on a roller coaster lately and I try daily to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground by hoping and dreaming about the future without getting those hopes up anymore

FOR YOU

FOR YOU

For you, my love, I give my all

For you, my love, I can't depart

For you, my love, I deeply fall

For you, my love, I give my heart

For you, my love, joy flows free

For you, my love, are total bliss

For you, my love, lasts eternally

For you, my love, I long to kiss

For you, my love, I do anything

For you, my love, I climb any mount

For you, my love, I wear your ring

For you, my love, I will make it count

This was written for my true love, Rick.  I try every day to prove just how much he means to me.  He is an amazing man, friend, partner, and dream come true.

FLAGS

So much has gone on these past few days.  With all the talk about what is right and what is wrong and decisions regarding flags and the lives of fellow Americans, I was moved to write this little piece today to sum up my thoughts.

FLAGS

Some may mock

Some may scorn
It's time we retire the battle torn
It's time to lay the hateful flag to rest

Some will stop

Some will rise above
Its time we choose the one of love
It's time to raise one that has passed the test

We should all stand proud

We should all stand free
We should honor the flag of equality
We should say our pledge the one that is the best

All praise to our USA as we celebrate equality today.   May we forever remember our heritages and celebrate our differences as we stand together under THE flag of the United States of America.  One people, one nation, one law for liberty and justice for ALL.

Philip D. Arnold, June 26, 2015

PRIDE

Originally Published on my Facebook notes June 9, 2012.  New material added at end and pictures throughout.

What does PRIDE mean to me?  PRIDE Stands for PEOPLE RECOGNIZING INDIVIDUAL DIVERSITY and EQUALITY.

To me, PRIDE means so much.  It means a world where being who you are is not scoffed at, mocked, or hated.  It means being able to hold his hand and walk with my head hel high without fear of condemnation.  It is a time to escape the world of closed-minded ignorant bigots, and just celebrate who I am.

PRIDE means different things to each of us, but to me it means BEING ME!

Let's break it down, shall we?
PEOPLE - Human kind, all human kind, no separation by race, creed, religion, or sexual orientation, just PEOPLE
RECOGNIZING - Taking notice and giving validity to the existence of
INDIVIDUAL - Each single person who exists
DIVERSITY - the differences between the recognized individuals
EQUALITY - being treated the SAME as everyone else, something we all wish to acheive

As I find myself estranged from my family because of their misguidence by a bigoted in-law, I hold my head up high, knowing that those who matter most in my life love me for me and always will.  To my loving partner, my wonderful children, my understanding ex-wife, my best friends, and my family who have not abandoned me, I SAY THANK YOU for allowing me to be ME and accepting all that comes with who I AM.

As I prepare to attend the Circle City PRIDE Parade and Festival, I prepare to celebrate who I am and recognize everyone for their Individuality while noting their differences and searching for equlaity for all PEOPLE!!

Addendum June 7, 2015

This year my partner and I will attend the Circle City PRIDE Parade and Festival with my 15 year old twin sons for the first time. I love that we will be able to share this even with these two loving, compassionate, supportive young men.  They are true examples of acceptance, as they see all human beings for who they are and not what the world might have them see.  We will share the time during this event with these two young men and some of our closest friends to show PRIDE in our individuality and our happiness to be who we are.

THE RUG

Every day something new comes to light

Every day something wrong seems right

Every day the darkness turns to light

When I'm most afraid is every night

I try to smile, make light, and shrug

But out from under me comes the rug

Each new day brings new hope as I try to improve upon the day before. I try to convince myself that the improvements others see is really what is happening with me. As I get stronger and become more confident, fear builds and causes my mind to wander.  Just when I think all is moving along smoothly, I stub my toe and see an obstacle that wasn't there before.  Just when things seem to be going well, I sense something changing and I start to dwell on the downside again.  Every time I find myself happy where I stand, I fear the rug will be pulled out from under me once again.

2014 was the worst year of my life.  I suffered pain, agony, sickness, and strife.  I found myself knocking on death's door not once, but twice.  As I look back to March 2014 I fine the knowledge that my nearly dying was a bit of a choice.  I fell ill, and saw that as a way out of the emotional struggle I was facing.  I figured I could become ill enough no one would press the issue if I just passed on into the beyond.  I was wrong.  I found that there were many who would push me to recover and see me through.  I climbed out of the darkness and began to realize there is so much more worth living for.  I chose to rise out of the pit of despair and make my life whole and new again.  I saw my life once again as valuable and began to feel happiness again.

Maybe that is the biggest mistake I make each day, feeling happy.  It was once again revealed to me that feelings of happiness must be accompanied by painful trials and excruciating fears.  I would still suffer at night from paralyzing nightmares that woke me toward a cautiousness.  I found myself distancing myself from many so that I could avoid any chance of more pain.  However, I let my guard down again, began to feel happiness again, and BAM!  Once again reality slapped me in the face.  I had to tackle another life threatening event that still has me recovering.  As 2015 came toward an end a stroke left me battling to get myself back among the living.  

I am winning the battle, but the war seems endless to me.  I entered 2016 hopeful that life would change and happiness would return along with improved health.  Boy was that an optimistic thought.  My health has improved, for the most part.  Aside from some issues with numbness and an abundance of medications, I am starting to feel better.  However, I struggle with feeling that I am tired of always relying on others to take care of things that I once took for granted.  I am still unable to drive, I struggle walking properly, I have issues with balance, and I once again battle the nightmares.  

This time the nightmares are not of drowning, but of falling, failing, and losing. Once I was happy and optimistic about so much of my life.  Now I find myself doubting, fearing, and struggling with insecurities.  I fear I will never return to my old self.  I fear I am never going to be good enough again.  I fear I will fall tired of trying again and return to the feelings that lead me to come so close to losing everything a year ago.  As I try to overcome the nightmares, I at least have support of true friends, close family, and the love of my life to pull me through.  I consider myself lucky in so many ways, and I am trying to regain my mental and physical strength to once again stand on the rug and not allow it to be pulled from older me this time around.

Every day something new comes to light

Every day something wrong seems right

Every day the darkness turns to light

When I'm most afraid is every night

I try to smile, make light, and shrug

This time I will stand strong on that rug.

WHO HAS A DREAM?

It was a normal evening sitting at home watching television when my phone vibrated and a proud moment arrived.

On Tuesday, January 27 2015, at 10:16pm I received an email from the Language Arts teacher of one of my sons.  

Tears of pride filled my eyes as I read these words.

"Dear Mr. Arnold,

I hope this message finds you well.  I wanted to send you a note about how proud I am of Trey.  He did an amazing job writing and presenting his I Have a Dream speech to the class on Friday.  I'm not sure if he shared it with you, but I hope he will.  I know he spoke from his heart, and made an impact on so many people.  He struggled with some emotions, but that just showed how compassionate he felt.  You have a wonderful son, and it has been a real pleasure to have him in class this year.

Fondly,

K"

The next day my son messaged me and asked if I would like him to send his speech to me.  This became the second proud moment of the week.  As I read the words my fourteen year old son had spoken to his classmates, I was overcome with emotion.  I imagine it would have been even more emotional had I actually heard him give the speech.  

The following is the speech that was written by my fourteen year old son that has given me a stronger sense of pride than I have felt in a while.

I Have a Dream

By: "T"

I have a dream that one day this nation will accept people for who they are.

I have a dream that one day the world will be a better place. People will treat everyone around the world with the respect they have desperately deserved for so long

I have a dream that one day individuals who are gay will finally have the respect and equality they have deserved for years. I will avoid the places that do not support gay rights and marriage.

I have a dream that one day marriage for any sexual orientation will be legal in any state and any country.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream today that one day my father and his partner will be able to reunite with his family who has pushed him out of their lives. I haven’t seen my aunt and uncle in 2 years because they don’t approve of his sexual orientation.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day everyone will be able to be in the pursuit of happiness. The Martin Luther King Jr. speech of equality for African Americans is the horrible beast that is now the discriminating against individuals who are gay today.

This is my faith. With this faith we will be able to have the Individuals who are gay and the individuals who are straight be treated equally.

I have two amazing sons, who never cease to amaze me.  They are both so full of love and compassion, and they both truly understand more about this life than I ever imagined they would at the age of fourteen.  I can only hope that, as they grow up, they will continue to share their love and compassion with others to show the positives in this world without letting the negatives bring them down.

New Year, New Me, New Life

2015 looks to bring a lot of change to my life.  Yes, it is the beginning of a new year, but it is already shaping up to be so much more than that for me.

As 2013 came to close, I looked ahead to 2014 with cautious optimism.  Then I woke up on January 1 and found myself needing more caution and feeling less optimism.  I found that I was over being the guy who worked to keep things peaceful and make everyone else around me happy, while I was falling apart myself.  Then 2014 saw two major health scares that nearly brought my life to a halt. March brought hospital stay number one, then December found another hospital stay. There was even a visit to the emergency room in between.

I found myself staring death in the face in March as pneumonia put me in a coma, left me hospitilized for 37 days, and months of recovery ahead.  It also showed me how my real friends rallied around to uplift and support me during my lengthy recovery.  By June I was back to my self with minimal risidual effects from the illness that nearly took me away.  Experiencing this type of illness, the return from a coma, and the months of therapy, made me realize I can overcome most anything.

After recovering we took a much needed family vacation to Florida.  We enjoyed family time with a renewed sense of life and what life holds for all of us.  We began to work on strengthening our family unit and working on more time to spend together with less interruptions.

Then, BAM!!  December 18 I was hit with a stroke. This gave me another chance to see that I am not invincible and that life can take so many unexpected turns in a short period of time.  I am still in the midst of this latest recovery, but I am determined to return to myself and take on the future with whatever it has to throw my way.  I am gearing up for the year ahead with plans of advancing myself, my family, and my career.  I vowed in April that I would not be defeated, and I am even more committed today to what lies ahead.  I will proceed with caution but with a renewed sense of optimism that will not see me fail.

As 2015 takes shape, I plan to recover my health, advance my aspirations, and see my family stronger than last year.  Together we will all be more successful as long as we all work together to inspire, support, and encourage one another from day one.  So, as this new year begins, I vow to fight for things that are important and stay committed to the relationships that make me who I am.  Fight has taken on a whole new meaning for me, and you need to get on board with what it means or get out of the way because I do not plan to give up or stop any time soon.