FEBRUARY=LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, and BROKEN HEARTS??

As February arrived, my hopes soared with a new found sense of comfort.  Things appeared to be heading in the direction of my dreams, with a return to the love that was put on hold in my life.  February always brings feelings of love and hope to me, since I first met the love of my life on February 8, 2011 and we officially started "dating" February 10, 2011.  We celebrate our "Anniversary" on this date and this year was no different.  Love seems to be surrounding us this February with our special dates and Valentine's Day, but I have to remind myself that I must keep my hopes and dreams limited, and I must accept the reality that once these days pass, so too might the feelings of comfort and restoration.

You see, We have had a rough patch the last two years, and lately things have given the appearance that we might weather the storm and return to the days where we shared everything and called one another "partner".  I was reminded on last year's "anniversary" night just how much I show my feelings.  You see, he apparently "slipped" a couple of times and called me "hubby" during the evening and at dinner.  When he said it at dinner, and I of course smiled, he said to me "Don't get your hopes up."  Then I knew, the Love and companionship I was feeling return was more in my mind and heart than in his.  I began to assume that maybe he had moved on from me, from "us", and that the week was just a celebration of our past together.

I love this man with every ounce of my being, have since February 8, 2011, when I saw those eyes sparkle and that smile shine for the first time.  I have since he first said "I Love You" on February 10, 2011, and every day since.  I knew from the beginning we were soulmates, destined to be together and somewhere these past two years I guess I lost sight of that and managed to lose the one who I never thought would leave my side. That is the problem with Love and Companionship, they leave you when you least expect it, and then you find yourself floundering with the dreaded February Broken Heart.

Fast forward to this year, and things appear to be back on track, yet I no longer hear "I am IN love with you".  So, I settle for the "I love you" that I hear several times a day.  Don't get me wrong, I cherish every day and every "I love you", more now that I have conquered death twice, but I long to hear someone tell me that he is "IN love" with me again. As we approach our 5th anniversary together, and our upcoming 5th Valentine's Day together, I remain hopeful yet cautious.  I once thought the ring would be the tie to bind us forever, but I have put that thought away and cherish each moment together as more important than any ring or a a document of law to proclaim out undying love for one another.  I was once ready to be legally married to this man, I still hope to be some day, but I will hold on to all we have in hopes that some day we will both be ready at the same time.

As the coming week closes out with the joys and love of Valentine's Day, I will have another chance to see the Love we share.  I will have this chance as I hope the fears of the bottom dropping out will not result in the awareness that I have been holding onto hope in the light of love and not in the certainty that is reality.  Reality? Yes, the reality that love is a two way street, and, even though he still loves me, he may not bet "in love" with me any more and I must let this new reality be his.  Letting go is the hardest part of any relationship, weather it be letting go of a partner, a lover,, a companion, or love itself.  I hope my fears are just me being paranoid and afraid.  I have hopes that this week might bring us back, and the rings might once again be more than just a symbol for others to see as evidence of our "partnership".  However, I face the reality that I should "not get my hopes up" and I should be prepared for whatever reality brings my way.

I will never stop loving him and I will always want him to be a part of my life.  A year ago I saw that we were approaching the point of being beyond "repair", and I tried not to allow my hopes and dreams continue to cause my heart to break.  We made it through that rough patch and we put ourselves back on a path of  "partnership" that I cherish.  I remain cautiously optimistic that "forever" is still in our future.  But, even so, I celebrate February's role in my life for all the past hopes and dreams, and I look forward to whatever February has to offer me this year.  No matter if it is Love, companionship, or a broken heart, I am prepared.  I have no choice.  I have to be ready for any possibility, and I AM.

Now What?

It has been a few months since I have sat down and written anything worth posting.  I write quite a bit, but I am either not satisfied with the end result or I cant justify a reason to post.  I write about my ups, my downs, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my flaws, my happiness, and my confusions.  I just don't know what to publish once they are completed, because I find myself questioning their value, or the effect they may have on individual readers.  Because my writings are so personal, I often fear I will upset or hurt someone by what I have written.  So I ask myself, "Now what?"  What do i do with the endless list of topic ideas, the unpublished posts, and the bottled up emotions I have secretly jotted down as topics in my draft folder?

Now what?  Well, I have decided to hold myself accountable to those interested in what I write, what I feel, or what I have to say.  To do this I have decided to reveal my folder of rambling unpublished drafts and my constant jumble of emotions.  Now what?

Here is the list of unpublished "drafts".  Some have been "finished", others only need editing, while a few are in the beginning stages of writing.

• What is the value of LOVE?

• February=Love, Companionship,and Broken Hearts?

• Who is THE ONE?

• I Want To See Me Be Brave.

• Was that a proposal?

• SOME DAY I WILL MARRY?

• When She Came Along.

I struggle daily with a jumble of emotions.  Having stared death in the face twice in 2014, I looked for 2015 to rebuild myself.  I have gone from the depression of near death and wishing it had just taken me to the exhilaration of being alive and looking forward to the future.  I have gone from being "in love" to struggling to know what love really is.  I dream of a future full of partnership and being "in love" again, only to fight the reality that love may just be the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  I am blessed to have the support of those closest to me, while imagining having the support of those I used to be close to.  My "roller coaster" of emotions leaves me drained and near tears at the end of most days.  I fall asleep waiting for dreams to revive my spirit and bring me back, yet I face the nightmares of drowning in the sea of tears left by rejection and the pain of not knowing where I stand or where I am going.  I know where I am, but where am I going?  I know I have my health back on track, but for how long?  I know I am loved, but by whom? I know Where I have been and what I have done, but. . .