INDEPENDENCE DAY

As I sit here pondering this Independence Day weekend, I find it time to reflect on the past year. Most would do this on New Year’s, Thanksgiving, or their birthday, but this is more of an anniversary for me. Nearly one year ago I made the move to the city to set out on this grand journey of life. The journey of finding my true self has been one I am most happy with. It has had its rough patches, its ups and downs. It has been filled with the comings and, sometimes, goings of friends - new and old alike. As I sit to reflect on this year, I find myself laughing at times, crying at some, and even getting angry. It is sometimes hard for me to believe that I have lived here a year already, and then there are other times it seems like I have lived here a lifetime already.

Through this year I have made new friends, reacquainted with old friends, fallen in and out of love and back in again, and I have truly begun to find myself. It is the people in my life that bring me to write this account of independence. Not because of who they are necessarily, but because of who they have helped me to be. Many times through out this journaling experience I write about the people in my life. This is because without the people in my life, I would be nothing more than an empty shell, waiting for fulfillment. The blessings I have gained from the people in my life have more than filled my cup to overflowing. Good and bad times alike have all contributed to this journey and reflecting on them have made me realize even more today who I am, and what a blessing I have in this journey.

As I stated I have met new friends along this journey. Some of these friends are becoming lifelong additions, some just passing acquaintances, and some have already run their course in my life. The blessings these new friends bring to my life are many and varied. They give me hope to carry on, knowing that I will always be able to find someone in this city, in this life, to share this journey with. Looking back over this year of independence, I count the many friends whom I concise lifelong additions as valued treasures. Weather they came into my life at the beginning of this journey, or as recently as the past week, I know these additions are lifelong additions who will always share an important part of this journey. Sadly, I also count those who came in for what seemed to be a lifelong friendship, only to see them part and walk away from this journey for whatever reason.

Two very important friendships were “lost” during this time, and their absence is felt regularly. If you read back to early entries you will recognize these friends and their vital role in my journey. One who is missed an a regular basis was one of my biggest “protectors”, someone who I really thought would be a part of this journey for the long haul. His was a friendship that I counted on to pick me up when I needed some “straight” advice and a “mans” perspective on things. Amazing, though, how a misunderstanding of circumstance can cause a “friend” to tuck tail and run and not be heard from again. The loss of this friendship stings a bit on occasion, but I have learned from it and know that it happened for a reason. The other loss hits me like a ton of bricks when I think about how much this person meant to me (and honestly still does). I found my GBFF to be the one friend whom I could count on for everything. He was the one who made me smile when I was down. He always knew when I needed a lift, and his kind heart and endearing spirit were such a welcome to my life. I thought, of all my friends new and old, he would be the one friend I would always have. I guess I took advantage of the convenience of having him around and suddenly found that he was no longer here. He seemed to just vanish. No kidding, he walked out of my life, and if not for the precious memories I hold, the few photos, and the common friends it would seem as though he was never here. Except, he was here and he left a mark on my life and my heart that will not let his vanish entirely. I miss these friends more than others who have come and gone. These two are ones who I felt would never leave and I would always be able to count on and share with.

Then there are those who are here to stay. The truest of all true friends are those who love you unconditionally through thick and thin, no matter what flaws exist or arrive. These friends are spoken about often in this journal, and they are a huge part of this independence journey. These include my “BEST GIRL (DOLLFACE)”, my “Grace”, my “One and Only”, the “AFF”, the “BFF”, the TTBFF, my children, wonderful parents, grandmother, sister, and “MY GUY”. These are the ones who I know will never leave me. They are a part of this journey now and forever. These along with the other supportive friends and family are the ones who keep me grounded, and guide me to stay in touch with reality throughout all that comes my way. We may have our differences, but we each know that no matter what the disagreement we will always find a resolution and our relationships will not suffer for it. These friendships/relationships are the most treasured as they are priceless. They are irreplaceable and their termination is unfathomable. These are relationships that have and will always stand the test of time, and will never perish, as they are the kind of everlasting relationships that are truly gifts from GOD. GOD blessed me with three wonderfully supportive parents, a loving protective sister, amazing children, and the best support network of friends, and an amazing boyfriend who I know will never leave nor forsake me no matter what storms come through to tear at our bonds.

As I reflect on this journey of independence, I am reminded that each day is a new and promising journey all its own. I know there is so much more out there to take in and so many more who will come along and become a part of the journey. New friends and new relationships occur regularly here in my life. I just hope that I can provide as much to my friends and acquaintances as they do to me. My life is blessed by each person I come into contact with, and I consider myself rich if they stay for a while and join me. Even if their’s is just a small portion of time along with me, I value every second of it. Yes, there are those who I would rather I had never met or had never invited along on any portion of this journey, but that is part of the learning experience. We all have those who come along and make us feel comfortable and draw us into their world for a bit, only to realize they were only there for their own benefit and they were not honest and forthright in their intentions. As those people come in and, eventually, go out we may be angry with ourselves for allowing them in, but we learn from their actions and we become stronger as the journey moves forward. I have had an interesting year, to say the least, and I would not trade a minute of it for anything. I might not like what some people brought to the journey, but what they left behind was a stronger, more aware, more independent man.

I find that I am truly happier today, than I was a year ago, and I plan to be even happier tomorrow than I am today. All of this because of those who bless my life by being a part of the journey. I am happy to take this journey accompanied by the wonderful treasures that have been given to me to spend this time with. As I look forward to the next year of this journey, I look a head with cautious optimism. There are many plans I have for the coming days, months, and years. All of these plans hinge on the existence of the most amazing friendships and relationships one man can have. I have the best. Others may argue, but I know that I have the best, most supportive, most extensive network of family, friends, and supporters. I will put my list up against any, knowing that I am a winner on this journey of independence. Happy Independence Day everyone. Whether it is celebrating the US independence from Great Britain, or your own independence in life, celebrate and reflect on your journey.

BOYS AND BASEBALL

I sit and watch you play your game

Both so different, yet the same
You love your sport and the fun
I love to watch you play and run

I watch you work with all your might
You think about sport all day and night

You know your game and its ins and outs

You love to hear the fans cheers and shouts

I watch you make up for your size
I see the excitement in your eyes
When they come to watch your smiles beam

You don’t care if you lose at least your on the team

I stand and cheer when you do well

And cried along with each time you fell

You always get up and bounce right back

There’s where you make up for the size you lack

I watch you do everything so intently

I hope you realize how proud you make me

Your strength and love are very rare

You, my boys are quite a pair

You live your lives just like you play

You go head first into each new day

I watch you together in all that you do

My boys and your baseball how I love you

To Trent and Trey 6/26/2011

From Dad

MY CITY WINDOW

I sit here and look to the south. I see the towering skyline of my downtown. The city I have come to love as “home” and as the residence of my wonderful life. As I watch the traffic flow to the city and see the pedestrian traffic, I wonder how many of them have the same thoughts and questions as I. The view to the south is the best view from my city window, and it allows me the opportunity to peer into the city and suppose.

I suppose that each member of the family in the BMW passing by has their own questions about their daily lives. Is everything they are being told by the ones they love truthful? Are they going to survive the next two months financially? I am certain that the couple crossing the street questions weather or not it is true love that they feel, or just a flutter of nervousness about their new relationship. The young man on the bicycle is probably trying to decide if what he has done today was worth it, or if it was just another day’s time wasted for nothing.

Yes, as I sit her and look down the street from my fifth floor apartment I find myself asking these same questions about my loved ones, about my love life, and about the things I have done during the day. I am so happy in my life here in the city, but I struggle daily with the same questions as the people passing by. I wonder how much of what I hear during a typical day has been truth and how much of it has been falsified for my benefit. I have been lied to in my lifetime, and this makes trust difficult. I do not like to distrust anyone, but sometimes things just seem too good to be true. Sometimes I am hesitant to believe because I do not know for sure how to trust. I love my family and friends, but sometimes I question what I am being told because I feel like they are afraid the truth would be too much for me to handle. Well, I would rather deal with hard truths, than find out something has been a lie and I have had no way to prepare for the truth.
I wonder daily how I am going to survive financially now that I am once again living here alone with no “roomate income” to help pay the bills. I know I can make it, and I know I can find a way to survive until certain changes take place to make things more financially secure, but I still worry that this struggle will bring me to sacrifice myself and my new life just to stay afloat. I worry that I can not provide things for my loved ones the way I could if my finances were in a better place. But I am sure that those I see driving by are battling some of the same monetary demons as I.

As I sit here watching the couple crossing the street, I think about my own relationship and have to go down that road. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, but is it true love in the sense that this is the one? We talk about long term, we talk about the future, as all couples do in the beginnings of serious relationships, but then I sit alone looking out this window and I wonder if it is real. How do we know? When does it become clear? Yes, I look out this window and know that those other couples out there are having the same struggles within themselves, and that we all go through the times when we question everything about our relationship to determine if it has been real from the beginning, and if it will be till the end.
Then there is that ultimate question at the end of the day. As the young man on his bicycle returns home from his daily tasks, he wonders if it was worth it or just a waste of time that he will never get back. I have done a great deal of thinking on this subject lately . Is anything I do during the day worth doing, or is it just a waste of time that I will never get back. Without going into great detail, there are times lately that I have done things with others and wondered, what for. Why did I do that? Why was that necessary to my day? What is the benefit for me? Yes, that is selfish, but sometimes I do wonder what my benefit is from the things I do with or for others. In the end is it worth it? Is it worth spending the time and effort on these daily tasks, or are they simply a waste of time, time that I will never get back?

As I sit her and ponder life’s questions, looking out my city window, I know that I am better off today than I was yesterday, and I will be better yet tomorrow. I know that I am loved by family and friends, and any falseness from them is their way of trying to protect me and keep me safe. I know that these financial woes will turn around and things will look up and the struggle will become less soon, as an economic balance comes to my life. I know the love I have for my guy is the same as the love he has for me. I know that the plans we have for the future are going to come to fruition as we continue on our journey together. He is the love of my life and my ultimate source of support and encouragement. As for the time I devote to the daily tasks in my life, I know they are worth it. It may be time I am not going to get back, but it is time well spent and worth every minute.


I am happy in my life, and I continue to realize more about my self daily. I know more about who I am each day, and I find that knowing myself makes me happier than I have ever been in my life. I challenge each of you to find your “city window”, ponder your life’s questions, and find yourself. You may not find all the answers, but you will find out more about yourself as you search your inner self. I assure you that finding yourself is worth all the effort you put into it, because it is not until you know yourself that others can truly know you as well.