Why Your Health Matters To Me

If you have known me longer than 7 years, then you have most likely heard my story.  If you have not, you can read about it here, Nightmare.  My nightmare has brought about a constant fear of any illness that may affect my lungs and respiratory system.  When this virus began to appear, I started to live in fear of catching it.  As someone with a compromised respiratory system, every cough, sneeze, drip, and irritation causes me to worry.  Not just my own symptoms, but anyone who is near me with any of these causes me to want to run and hide.

I watch as people protest and whine about Stay-at-Home orders and the "violations" of their freedoms.  It sickens me that so many disregard this illness as something to be scoffed at and ignored because it "isn't going to get them" or they "think it is just a hoax to scare people".  This is outrageous.  Our government screwed up, but we have been given the knowledge and the tools to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.  We must stay clean, wear face coverings, be aware of how this virus adversely affects our fellow men and women, and follow Stay-Home fiercely.

You may wonder why I don't go anywhere, except for an occasional car ride for a change of scenery, well it is because I fear your lack of concern for others.  I do not believe everyone has a total disregard for the health of others, but I see it in those who "have to get out", "have to party", and "must see their people".  This is why your health matters to me.  

I do not want to run into you at the store without your mask, so I STAY HOME.  I do not want to be exposed to this virus because you do not see the benefits of practicing safe social distancing.  I do not want to catch this virus and go through the agony anything like i went through six years ago.  

I am not angry with you because you do what you feel you "need to get out".  I am not angry that you do not see how the Executive Orders and Social Distancing guidelines "benefit" you.  I am not angry about any of this at all.  I am, however, saddened and disappointed.  I am saddened that, as much as you mean to me, my health means little to you.  I am disappointed that you feel like grabbing a beer, having a gathering, or getting out of the house are more important the lives you may unknowingly put in jeopardy.

You see, just because you may not have the symptoms, you still could be carrying the virus and spreading it to those more susceptible to the attack.  My body, my parents bodies, the bodies of others who have compromised immune and respiratory systems are put in danger every time we are in contact with someone who is "perfectly fine" because they have no symptoms.  Until everyone is tested, we will not know who might be bringing the deadly invader into our presence.  So if I am hesitant to interact and "Socialize" please do not be angry and upset with me.  Please understand I am taking things seriously because I have been in a hospital bed drowning inside my own body and I DO NOT want to ever feel like that again.  Until this virus is slowed and a vaccine is found, I will continue to be fearful and diligent in my self-care.  I love my people and I am not usually as fearful of an illness, but this virus is deadly with its adverse affects on the respiratory system.  Please know that I am not angry, just extra cautious.  I ask that you not be angry or upset with me if I choose to continue a safe distance and keep myself safe.  This is why YOUR health matters to ME.  Because I do not want anyone to suffer the pain and agony that comes with this and I do not want to feel anything near what I felt six years ago ever again.

Anniversary of a Nightmare, Revisited

Where do I begin?  I have a feeling this post will be offensive to some and, quite frankly, I don't care.  Five years ago I was on death's doorstep, in a coma, fighting to breathe, and drowning in my own body.  This March has become n emotional month for me every year since, with the memories of where I had been and how far I have come.  Facebook takes over each year at this time and startts showing me memories that I never even knew existed, or had only seen once briefly a year after.  These were posts from people during my darkest hours that I may have seen for the first time three years after the nightmare occurred, and now every March since.

Things started this week, as usual, when a couple of posts reminded me that it all began March 6, 2014 when breathing became so labored and I had to be taken to the hospital.  The couple of posts from that night five years ago were enough to stir the emotions and cause the tears to begin flowing.  Seeing posts that reminded me of events I vaguely remembered (the last memories I have before the long 37 day ordeal) started this "anniversary" of memories.

There were the usual posts of prayer and concern from family, friends, and even strangers to show how so many were pulling for me to recover.  Those posts make me cry tears of joy, knowing the love and concern that was being expressed.  There have been so many, and will continue to be until mid-April when I was finally sent home and posts returned to "normal".  However that brings me to another group of posts.

What is a return to "normal"?  There were so many posts from those closest to me in my life, best friends and family.  Posts that expressed love and concern beyond my healing.  Posts that made promises, or hinted at promises.  These promises took many forms from things being different to renewed commitment and stronger bonds.  These posts are the ones that tend to bring the most painful tears.  The posts themselves don't hurt as much as the broken promises and dead love they seem to portray even now, five years later.  Where did you go?  Where did I fail you?  You prayed, cried, pulled for me to wake up and come back.  

I did come back. I woke up from that horrible nightmare only to face months of nightmares of drowning and falling every night.  As those terrible dreams faded away, so did more of the promises and my hope. I am now, five years removed from a near death nightmare, recovered from most of the frightening dreams, only to be thrown into yet another nightmare situation.  As I read and re-read posts from 2014, I fear The future even more.  I am not sure how much more my mind can take.  

I am not sure why I woke up and came back.  However, I am certain it wasn't so that I could suffer the never ending cycle of broken promises, lost "friends", and never intended commitments.  So, I ask again, where did you go.  Maybe that's not the best question.  Maybe the real question should be WHY did you go?  Why did you pull me out of one nightmare just to cast me into another.  Why did you promise change and commitment only to run away or pull away in fear?  Why do you remain hidden or indifferent five years removed?

I don't ask these because I am angry.  I ask because I am hurt that those promises faded away and no true commitments came out of those.  Don't beat yourself up over the answers to this, just think about what you might have done a year later to keep these feelings of loss and despair from coming out five years later leading to another "nightmare" and do what you can to assure those same false promises and misleading commitments don't haunt someone else if ever you are faced with a similar situation again.

I love all who pulled me from the pit of death, but I often wonder why you did it.  Was it for me to live the repeated nightmares, or was it for you to clear your conscience and conquer your own fears.  Broken promises and misleading commitments are not pleasant reminders of my return to the living.  They are painful reminders of lost hope and future nightmares.

This post was originally written ion the three year anniversary of the nightmare. When March arrives each year so do the reminders.  I love all of my family and friends.  I cherish every memory, good and bad, and I value every lesson learned.  Cherish every moment with those you hold dear, and take care not to bring hurt through broken promises and failed commitments.

LOVES

I Want To See Me Be Brave

What is bravery? What does it take to be courageous? Interesting questions I find myself pondering as my life prepares for a turn I never anticipated.  I thought I had found my forever love, my soulmate, and that was all I would need to get through the daily grind.  Well, that seems to have been a dream that has come to an end and I find myself battling every emotion possible while trying to be brave and prepare to move on to a single life once more.

I am not sure how I am surviving this transition, but I am.  I am surviving because I always rise above.  I am surviving because I force myself once again to step out of my comfort zone and get out and live.  I also know I survive because, even though the man I believed to be my forever partner has moved on, I have good friends and supportive family who will never leave my side. 

The first step for me, in being brave, was to accept that this six year relationship had run its course and it was time to let go of the hopes and dreams of the future I once imagine.  The second step was agreeing to part ways amicably and promise to remain friends and always be in one another's lives as such.  The third step was to tell the boys that we were going our "separate ways" and letting them be apart of the "break-up" process.  Next, together we put out a joint "statement" on social media that we we had mutually agreed to part ways. 

Our Statement on Social Media

All of these steps have prepared me to take the next step and begin the process of "moving on".  This step has not been easy, and I continue to stumble over my emotions.  However, I know it is a necessary step in order to begin writing the story of my future.  I am stronger now than I once was.  I am more ready today, than yesterday.  I am more brave now than I have been in a long time.  Looking back on my journey through this blog, I know I have been brave in the past, I realize I am brave now, and I am confident I will be brave enough to continue this journey once again.  I am confident, because I want to see me be brave and conquer my new fears and make new dreams become realities. 

LISTEN TO BRAVE HERE

I know this is the first day of the rest of my life.  It is just a small obstacle on the pathway to my new future.  I welcome all who wish to join this journey to look over my older posts, and decide if you are willing to be a part of whatever crazy ride this roller-coaster life of mine decides to take.